Certain things happen in life and they change you.
When I was 15, my birth father committed suicide. I was young. I was sad. I was confused. And I didn't know how to deal with it. So I didn't. I didn't know him very well, but I knew him enough to know what I would miss and what I was going to miss as my life went on. And I knew I was angry. But I didn't really let it change me.
Then when I was a sophomore in college, one of my best friends committed suicide. It was different this time. He made it personal to me, and made it so I was isolated in my grief in a way no one else would be. I won't rehash or give any more details than that because it isn't the point of this post. But once I entered into that phase, I was suddenly dealing with both incidents. I did what I had to do to feel better RIGHT THEN. It wasn't always pretty. It wasn't always the nicest thing. And it changed me. I don't know if I let it, or I couldn't stop it or what. But that incident and the aftermath changed me.
I had and continue to have amazing friends. Friends that didn't understand what happened, or that didn't understand how I was dealing, but stuck by me anyway. They watched me change and they supported me how I needed. I know they didn't understand why I harped on the things I did, and why I couldn't let go of some things, and why I made things into bigger things than they really were. I don't think I understood either. I look back on it, and all I can say is "you do what you need to do to get through it." And I did. But I wasn't who I remembered.
I struggled to find myself again. I couldn't be the person I was before, and I didn't know who I was now. I didn't know how to make certain people fit in my life. I didn't know how to move on, so I stayed still for a very long. I was happy but I wasn't. I don't know how to explain it. I was lost.
Alot of people noticed. My husband didn't really know how to help except to stick by me every day. It was hard for anyone to really understand. I don't wish what I experienced upon anyone. It was ugly. At times, I was ugly. And at times even life was ugly.
Things started to turn for the better one day. I can't explain how. They just took an upward swing. Then I got pregnant. I was scared. I was really scared. A baby seemed so permanent, and I thought I was still too unstable to handle it. I loved being pregnant. And I had dreamed about having a baby. I know that no one is ever REALLY ready to have a baby, but I felt extremely blindsided and unprepared.
When Isaac was born...in that minute, he changed me. He changed me into a mother. He changed me into a mother that had so much love for her son. He brought me full circle, and he completed me. He truly completed me.
I look into his blue eyes and every heartache, every sorrow, and every bad thing that I have ever seen was worth it because they brought me into this moment. They brought me into this moment in which I am this beautiful little boy's mother, and may not have been by any other road. He put my heart back together again. He has shown me what is truly important, and he made us into a family.
Every moment with him, whether its easy or hard, is beautiful. We struggle, and we will struggle in the future, but we are together.
He changed me.
And he completes me.