Friday, July 30, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Personally, I probably spend way to much time farming (mmmhmmm, that's right! I FARM and I AM NOT ASHAMED), and looking through photos posted by friends or acquaintances of their children that I will most likely never meet, or places they've been, houses they are remodeling. There are people in my friend list that I have spoken with since graduation from high school in a small midwestern town where nothing changes and people are content with the quieter side of life. There are people on there whose pages I haven't visited in months, but will occassionally stop by to see what's been happening.
Anyway, the one aspect of this social media wave that I LOVE is it's ability to give the opportunity to reconnect with people you have lost touch with by however means. Let me tell you a story.
In college I had a fair amount of friends, but there were those that I was really close to. One girl, L, was one of the best friends I could have imagined having. I went through a really rough time in college, starting in my sophomore year. She had my back and she watched out for me. She did things for me without me asking, anticipating what I would need. We laughed together, cried together. We told each other everything, even stuff we knew the other wouldn't like. One of my favorite times of the day was eating dinner together and talking about nothing and everything.
And then, the last semester before I graduated, everything changed. It wasn't even really the whole semester, maybe the last month. It was petty and immature. So much in part, that I can't even remember WHY things went sour. But they did. I left my undergrad experience in Ohio and moved to California. And I walked away from a friendship I held so dear.
It was hard. I mean, I was hurt and mad (again, for petty reasons). But there was definately a hole where that friendship had been. I was planning a wedding, and I was doing it without included her, and it SUCKED. After a few years, what could I do? Phone numbers changed, as did addresses. I thought about her many times throughout the years, and wondered where life had taken her.
And then, about 7 years later, I saw her on a friend's page. I mulled it over for many weeks, and finally realized...Apologies don't have expiration dates. I couldn't even remebered why I was mad, or had been mad. I wasn't mad anymore, nor had I been for a long time. If anything, I was ashamed of my childish behavior and for holding such an insignificant grudge for so long. I was sorry for my behavior and most of all, for treating another person so badly. I couldn't have made 100000's of excuses, but I didn't want to. The bottom line was, no matter what had happened in my life, was not an excuse for hurting someone else. My hurt didn't give me justification to hurt people in return. I typed long messages, short messages, deleting one after another because nothing sounded right. And finally, I hit send and waited. I got a message back, and soon emails were exchanged.
The other day, I got to talk to her on the phone. And it was like nothing had changed. We were the same girls sitting on ugly furniture in the college lounge, but instead of talking about classes, weekend plans, clothes and celebrity gossip, we were talking about jobs, husbands, and families. I don't think I fully realized how much I had missed her in my life, until she was back in it.
And I have Facebook to thank! True story. So this social media outlet...it's not all bad. :)
Monday, July 26, 2010
What I am talking about is when he says something and looks at me very expectantly to answer or respond. Most times, I laugh or say "yep!" or "i know!" or "and then what happened?" And I can tell when I give the wrong answer, because he clearly looks frustrated and not sure how to express himself.
Lately, it's been different. I understand him. I know his inflections and how he pronounces things. Like yesterday he said something to me and all of a sudden I understand he was saying "I like it." A-HA! I respond appropriately, and he looks thrilled. :)
From the time he was born, I have understood my son better than anyone. I knew his cries for hungry, tired, fussy, upset tummy, bored. And now I understand his words.
It's like we have our own line of communication, because my husband sure doesn't understand him as well. They both look at me, like "ok. Translate please!"
It won't be this way forever, I know. His speech is getting better every single day.
But for now, I will take it.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Friday, July 23, 2010
I mean, of course he is still my baby boy, but you know. He's not a baby anymore. Like overnight, he turned into a toddler. Into a little boy.
A couple weeks ago, as we were preparing to leave for daycare, my husband was laying sick on the couch. I was packing up the diaper bag, and I put Isaac down and told him to give Daddy a kiss and say goodbye since we were leaving. He ran over to Ben and gave him a kiss, said "Bye Bye Dad", then ran to the door and looked at me expectantly. "Mama! Go! Mama! GOOOOOO!"
I stopped in my tracks and just stared at him. I took him in, and realized "Oh my god, he's a little boy now." He looked like a little boy, staring impatiently at his mother. It made me so proud, and broke my heart at the same time.
He's gotten so big, so very fast. He's a full blown toddler that has a full, exuberant personality and mind. He voices his opinion, he plans, he executes. He has clear preferences. Every day he busts out new phrases, words, and skills. Things he has learned on his own, without me prompting him. He's like a sponge. He is just soaking everything up. I look at him and I can tell he is working something out in his mind. We can have whole conversations now. And most of the time they make sense. He is putting together phrases with ease, like "I see them!" He tells me decisively if he wants to watch "Ma-nneeeeeee!" (Handy Manny), "Ma-Mo!" (MM Clubhouse), or "o-sho!" (Oso). Sometimes he even tells me what he wants to eat.
His hair is blonder, his eyes still a blue-y gray with golden middles. He has a mouth full of chompers, 16 by my last count. We brush them every night and he LAUGHS. He runs, oh how he RUNS. He jumps. He climbs. He counts to three.
I can't really describe it. He is just changing so darn FAST.
We figured out the daycare situation. For the next few weeks, he will be going to his alternate daycare lady, Miss C. Then in mid August, he will start at the daycare center down the street one day a week until November, when he will go full time (3 days). It will be better for him. This daycare will soon have a preschool program, so god willing, I won't have to move him for a long while.
We feel like this is better for his learning and social skills. He's such a social little boy. Even I have to admit that I was not thrilled about him being the solo kid at Miss K's for a long time.
Despite the changes in him, I look at him and remember cradling him in my arms at 3 in the morning, just me and him in the quiet. I remember him wrapping his little hand around one finger, whereas now he holds my hand. As we rapidly approach 18 months, I know for the rest of his life I will look at him and always see my baby boy.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I am playing catch up for the next few days. But I am still here. :) Still reading. :)
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
My daycare lady, Miss K, gave me notice last night.
I had a feeling it was coming. The State cut the daycare subsidy from the budget and all the State funded kids lost their daycare. This cut off some of her kids. And it really makes no sense. Low income families NEED TO WORK, CALIFORNIA! Maybe we don't pass a bill giving first time home buyers a 10k tax credit over 3 years, and we actually let people keep their jobs. Just a thought.
And then one mom lost her job, so she is at home with her son, also one of Miss K's daycare kids. Another kid went to preschool in June. She has one drop in, who comes like once or twice a month. Her last kid with Isaac was baby J, whose parents are now involved in a child support legal dispute, forcing them to move and baby J to stay with his grandma while his parents work. That made Isaac her only daycare kid. And he only goes there 3 days a week. Miss K was making less than $4 an hour. That does not put food on the table.
So anyway, I got her phone call last night. I was expecting it but I was still blindsided. I hung up the phone and cried. (I also found a tick in Isaac's bed, which didn't help matters.) Isaac has 2 weeks left with Miss K.
And I don't know what to do.
I did the number crunching a while back to see where we stood financially. All that is keeping me at work is about $1300, $500 of that goes to daycare each month, give or take. $800 was what it worked out that I was working for. $800 is all we need to cut each month to keep me home with Isaac. That isn't my full salary, so anything more than that $800 in theory is extra considering we don't blow it or have more bills (which usually happens. Inevitably, the car breaks or life insurance premiums are due, or we need plane tickets, or my husband breaks his phone AGAIN). And believe it or not, it is pretty hard to cut $800 from a household. It doesn't seem like it would be, but it is. :(
Sooo...yeah. I could stay home with Isaac. We could figure out a way to make it work. But I don't know if that is what I really want. I have worked really, really hard to get to the position I am in now, and I really like my job (most days...I mean, who loves their job every single minute of every single day?). I am developing my position into exactly what I want it to be, meaning I am making my job. I never wanted to stay at home full time. Granted, I made this decision when Isaac was small, small, itty bitty 5 month old baby peanut. He's older now. Things would be different.
Plus, we have talked about having another child sometime in the next year or so. And then I don't know how I would feel about working while pregnant, working after another newborn with 2 kids in daycare.
Miss K gave me some other options. Isaac's alternate daycare provider said she would take him full time. This is a very appealing option, EXCEPT...she's pregnant, due in December. So come December, I am making this decision all over again. However, that gives me more time to pay down bills and SAVE like a madwoman. And we might be in a better position to really consider me staying home full time. But what if I don't want to? The daycare search begins again. And what if she has the baby early or complications (god forbid) with her pregnancy?
Miss K also gave me the number for one of her friends who does daycare. This daycare is literally right across the street. Literally, we can walk there. And Isaac has met this lady, because she has come to Miss K's before. However, she has 14 kids at her daycare right now. I am sure that number will go down in once school starts up, and she has an assistant. And Isaac is a social little boy. He adapts easily, and quickly. He makes friends. The transition to a larger daycare means alot of different things, include more sickness. Less one on one time. We have an interview there on Friday afternoon.
I can start the daycare search all over again. ALL. OVER. Alot of places have closed, again, THANKS CALIFORNIA! YOU ROCK! And other places, will be CROWDED.
If I stay home, am I ready to do that? To walk away from the job I have worked so hard to have? That I am working so hard at? Would we be ok financially? Would I be able to hold onto my sanity?
I NEED HELP! I NEED ADVICE! I NEED A DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have alot of thinking, and number crunching and soul searching to do.
Adult decisions kind of suck. Like, big time. And adult decisions that have to be made as a mother are not easier, by any means. I am makign decisions that affect my child's life, his well being. This is my heart, outside my body, that I am entrusting with another person.
Where's that drink? :(
Saturday, July 3, 2010
In my house, there is always clean laundry, but it is usually still in the laundry basket and never makes it into drawers. For that matter, there are always at minimum 4 loads of laundry waiting to be done. The bedsheets and towels get changed, but the dirty ones quickly forgotten until it comes time to change them again, and there are no clean ones.
In my house, there are toys EVERYWHERE in EVERY ROOM and in EVERY CORNER. We don't even try to contain them or put them away. It's a fruitless effort. We find cars in the couch cushions, along with Cheerios that haven't been in the house for months. We find bath squirtees in the kitchen drawers and books in the fridge. There are stuffed animals in my work bag and under the beds.
In my house, there is a bottle of tequila and margarita mix in the fridge next to the milk and juice. There are fresh fruits and veggies bought in the vain attempt to make healthy balanced meals next to the take out containers and hidden stash of holiday candy. There are leftovers, leftovers, leftovers next to snack packs and an expired container of sour cream that I see everytime I open the fridge and keep meaning to throw out.
In my house, there are grass stained shorts and dirty knees. There are shirts that still smell like baby spit up even though he stopped nursing 6 months ago. There are jeans with rips and faded shirts hanging next to sparkly tops and luxurious fabrics that haven't been worn in over 2 years. There are sneakers and flip flops in a pile on the floor for quick access and heels and boots collecting dust in the shoe rack.
In my house, there is a DVR filled with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Handy Manny, Word World, and Special Agent Oso. On that same DVR are episodes of TVs from May, and movies that will most likely never get watched and will be deleted to make room for aforementioned shows.
In my house, there are screaming fits and temper tantrums. There are pouty faces. There are moments that involved a locked bathroom door and sobbing for 10 minutes before collecting yourself and falling back into the mayhem. There are fights and bad words. There are slamming doors and red faces. There are unexpected bills and debt that lingers on that causes tension and frustration. Oh, there is frustration.
In my house, there is laughter. There are squeals of delight and the biggest smiles you can imagine. There are loving words and jokes. There are stories and babbling conversations. There are moments of blissful silence encased in gleeful yells. There are millions of "I love you's" and kisses and hugs. There are stolen cuddles and snuggles.
In my house, there is enormous love. There is a family full of love for each other. There is a family who embraces that they will never be perfect and the everyday struggle to stay sane. There is a family who knows that for every bad thing, there are 20 good things. There is a little boy with parents who worship him and never imagined loving someone so much. There are parents who met 12 years ago, and still are just as infatuated.
In my house there is a home. And there is nowhere I would rather be.
Friday, July 2, 2010
That's my little boo! From June 2009 taken from my cell phone, so the quality is not the best.
I am tagging Miss CJ with her cutie patootie twins, Aimee who has already been tagged, but her kids are so cute!, Andrea with the impossibly adorable Evan, Miss Barefoot Foodie herself :) because she is from NW Ohio and cracks. me. up., AJ with the beautiful MacKenzie, the photography genius that I like to call my BFF over at Nizhoni Pet Photography, Labmom because she is an inspiration to m and doesn't really know it (well know I guess she does!), and Stacie because she is pretty much my bloggy neighbor in NorCal. :)
So ladies, go ahead and tag 8 people if you so desire! I won't get STABBY on you if you don't. :) I just love your writing and your photos.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Like in California, it is illegal to TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE AND DRIVE. The State just upped the fine, too. I think this is a fantastic law, and I am being 100000% serious. I can't wait until the law prohibiting TEXTING and driving is passed.
I am the first to admit that I am a pretty bad driver. I get road rage fairly easily. I used to have a massive commute that landed me in rush hour traffic into and out of San F.rancisco, letting me sit in bumper to bumper traffic for about 2.5 hours each way. I will admit that I talked on my phone then. I actually planned to call people then, because I was stuck in traffic. But you know, when the law was passed, I shelled out the $40 for a BlueTooth.
Then I had Isaac. And there is something about driving with the most precious little human being in your back seat that opens your eyes to fountains of @$$#@!$ spewing onto the road. I slowed down. I stopped following so closely. I started looking around alot more and furiously checking my blindspot. And I can't tell you how many people I still see talking on their phones or TEXTING and not paying attention to the road. I am not talking about people who send a rapid message at red lights. Which I will admit, I have done. But not just to kill time at the red light. It has been to say "10 minutes late."
Let me tell you something. It doesn't matter how well you think you can "multitask." No one should be multitasking while DRIVING A VEHICLE THAT CAN KILL PEOPLE. Not only is that an immature thing to say and believe, but it's naive. I really don't give two $#!*$ how well you think you multitask. If the phone call or text message is that important, YOU PULL OVER. If you absolutely have to talk on the phone, shell out the $20 for a BlueTooth you cheapskate, and quit risking my life and my baby's life because you think you are just too good a driver to get in an accident with talking on the phone. I am a great multitasker. But I don't do it while driving. I am educated enough to know the dangers. And I appreciate the lives of strangers driving next to me. I can't think of one person who I would say "This phone call is more important than your life" to. Not one. Not even people I don't like. Not even the CEO of BP, who I am pretty sure is on most people's $#!& list these days.
And another thing? Putting your phone on speakerphone and holding it by your chin and not your ear? NOT HANDS FREE, dumbass.
There is enough danger that comes from driving on the roadways. I don't need anymore. No one does.
The other day, I was talking to my mother on my BlueTooth. It died. She called back, and I knew she was probably worried about the sudden hang up, so guess what? I pulled over, put my car in park, answered the phone and "My BlueTooth died, I can't talk anymore." IT TOOK 30 SECONDS.
I am serious when I say this. If I am in an accident caused by someone who was talking on their phone sans handsfree set or texting while driving, GOD HELP THEM. GOD HELP THEM IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ISAAC BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THEY COULD "MULTITASK." I will cut you something fierce. I will rip you apart with my bare hands if you hurt my baby. Even if you are Ro.b Tho.mas. I WILL CUT YOU. The next time you think about answering your phone, look at the car next to you, or in front of you, behind you. I bet that person is someone's mother. Or father. Or child. And think about having to tell that person's family that you killed you them because you thought you had great "multitasking" abilities.
And you know what else? If you read this and take offense? I don't care. I really don't. It probably means that you talk or text while driving. And remind me to never ride with you while you are driving. IT'S ILLEGAL. Illegal means that everyone falls under the same laws. Whether you think it's stupid or not.
Really, it's not rocket science.