Welcome to Motherhood!

My mind has been stolen.

I still have my brain, but it isn't functioning quite the same. I am pretty sure my mind is floating around out there somewhere. The one that graduated valedictorian, magna cum laude, and got her Master's. I am pretty sure it is next to that flip flop I can't find for the life of me.

I recently read (or maybe it was a while ago...again, my mind is missing. It could have been years ago, really.) that everyone talks about how your mind goes to mush when you are pregnant, and you get pregnancy brain. And what they don't tell you is that YOU NEVER GET YOUR MIND BACK. (If the person that said this is reading this, let me know. You are my hero.)

IT'S TRUE.

Sometimes I wander into a room and forget why I came in there. Oh wait, it gets better. After a couple of dumbfounded minutes, I give up and go back to what I was doing. Then I will remember and go back into the other room, only to realize...I have forgotten again. After about the third time, I give up. Sometimes I am determined, and I will let it go to 6 times. True story.

So I am pretty sure that when that baby popped out, my mind popped out with him and rolled under the hospital bed. In all the commotion, I am pretty sure it got thrown out with the bedsheets.

And you know what went with it? THE ABILITY TO RELAX.

I used to enjoy filling up the tub with bubbles, pouring a glass of wine and watching SATC episodes on my laptop everynight to unwind. (Relax, the computer was always on the closed toilet or counter. I wasn't THAT tipsy.) I can't do that anymore. For several reasons.

First, I can't go anywhere in this house while Isaac is here and in a different room without hearing him cry. He is most times not even crying. But I hear him in my mind. I am constantly listening for his cries, so subconsiously, I rush through whatever I am doing. Monitors don't help. I have tried.

Second, our bath tub here is ginormous and I would drown. I can't get comfy or I will drown. Plus you know, I can't consume as much alcohol while I am nursing.

Even when I am in the house by myself, I can't relax. I try to catch up on some DVRed shows (because I can never watch shows when they are airing. DVR was invented by a mother. I am sure of it.), and I can't focus on them because I am thinking about 10 million other things that I should be doing instead of watched the DVRed shows. Every time I close my eyes at night, I see things I should be doing. If I wasn't so exhausted\, I would probably haul myself out of bed to do them. Really.

I must need to try some meditation classes or yog or SOMETHING. I need to learn to shut this busy mind off and escape somewhere where I don't hear imaginary baby cries or see dust bunnies blow across the floor amongst the crushed kitty crunchies and gerber puffs. And where I can cut out of work a few hours early without having to recrunch our budget in my head to see if I can actually afford to do so without forcing my hsuband and baby to eat ramen for dinner. I am pretty sure this land doesn't exist.

How do I know this?

Um...because I am a mother.

So fellow mommies, fellow bloggers, ANYONE. HOW DO YOU RELAX? HELP ME!!!!!!

I will say I do enjoy naming all the things I can now do one-handed though. It's staggering and impressive.

Throwing It Out There

This post is hard for me to write. I am an obvious type A personality with control issues, meaning I don't like to relinquish control of anything or ask for help. Relinquish is just a fancy word for lose. Or for that matter, even admit I need help with anything.

And before I go any further, I must say to my family and friends, especially my mother if she reads this and wonders why I didn't tell her, I am sorry. Again, see the reason above. In addition, I don't like to worry people. And in this case, I don't like to talk about it, but Dr. says I should.

I have post partum depression.

What?! No way, you say, I have talked to you and you seem fine and happy!!!

Yes, I do. Again, see above.

Before I say anything more, I am going to say this, and I can't stress it enough.

I WOULD NEVER, IN A MILLION TRILLION YEARS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, HURT MY BABY IN ANY WAY. ISAAC IS MY WORLD, AND I LOVE HIM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.

Another reason I didn't say anything at first to anyone other than my husband, I don't want anyone to think I would hurt him and take him away from me. This seems like a flaw in the system.

It started when I went back to work. Or started getting bad. That was over 2 months ago. It finally exploded in the last few weeks, most likely with the added stress factors. My doctor says everyone gets a case of the baby blues every now and then, but sometimes it just doesn't go away. Like in my case, I guess.

I started noticing that something was wrong when the nightmares started. I won't describe them to you, but they were BAD. I would wake up hysterical and refuse to touch Isaac out of fear until I could dissociate myself from the nightmare. I would put him in the bassinet and go sleep on the couch.

Then came the rapid mood swings. I mean RAPID, like split second. There were sessions of mass hysteria and hardcore crying. I felt overwhelmed, like a bad mother, and like a failure in every aspect of my life. I started to realize that this wasn't me and something was definately wrong, very much so. I didn't want to be this person.

When I went in for my annual appointment with my Dr. my blood pressure was high, way high. I believe he used the words "stroke out." And my weight loss is too rapid, losing too much, too fast. These two factors led to the PPD conversation, and I finally spilled my guts. I have to go in for a stress test because I am doing too much. I have to cut something, somehow. And then I have to go for counseling, most likely, and talk about medication. Yep, happy pills and anti-anxiety meds. He also used words like "nervous breakdown" and "hospitalization." It is definately time to get some help. How did this get to be my life?

Sigh. This all came to a head before I left for Ohio. I thought once I got back, most of the problem would be gone. Nope. One day I will truly learn that ignoring things does not make them go away. Funnily enough, scheduling and taking the stress test was stressing me out. Seriously, when do I have time to do that. Aahhh...there's the problem. I need to make time. And I need to make time now.

The Dr. also talked to me about more disability and said that it could be Ok'ed and that he strongly recommended it in a forceful yet friendly way. And when I do (not if, I guess), Isaac needs to stay at daycare and I need to rest. NO EXCEPTIONS. That will be hard. I always want my baby with me if I am home. But I don't want to have to keep calling my husband and having him come get the baby because I can't handle it and can't be around him. I HATE THAT. It isn't me. It just isn't.

Sigh again. I hate this. I really do. It's time to make it go away.

Love the Skin You're In

Pregnancy changes your body.

Duh, right? I know it does. Or I should say as soon as I saw that second line appear on the POAS test, I knew my body was going to change.

What I did not know was HOW it was going to change. And a commercial advertising a test group for getting rid of stretch marks really made me stop to think about just how much my body had gone through.

Sure, you know about the big belly and hear about the stretch marks. Ah, the stretch marks. One of the things I was vainfully concerned about throughout my pregnancy was the dreaded stretch marks and I worked so hard to keep them away. Seriously, I slathered the cocoa butter on three times a day and took a bath in baby oil every few days. And it worked....until the last few weeks. All of a sudden, I just stopped. I don't know why...coulda been fatigue, forgetfullness...who knows. But one day I woke up looking like the cat had attacked my belly. Red lines EVERYWHERE.

And the stretch marks didn't stop there. Oh no, they graced me with their presence on the back of my knees (which I didn't, of course, discover until after my delivery when I could see my knees again). The most recent appearance is on my boobs from them being engorged milk factories.

And that is not all that has changed. I had extreme breakouts right after I delivered, and just before as well. My hormones were going nutso. It's better now that I have my BFF, the IUD, but the breakouts I get are much different than those of yesteryears.

My body shape is different...again, Duh. I am well below my pre-preggo weight. My waistline is thinner than I have seen it in forever. Since I delivered in January, I have dropped about 50 pounds. 50. Before you smack me, hear this: My pre-preggo jeans still don't fit me. The weight came off from random places, and I still have some around my middle. My shape is totally different.

And at the risk of giving TMI....I had never ever had hemmroids or UTIs before I was preggo.

But I am NOT complaining. And I say this next sentence with 100% sincerity.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY BODY NOW.

Seriously. LOOOOOVE it. I have never been so happy with it. And not because of the way it looks, but because of what the way it looks means.

Do I care if I am losing weight? Yes, but more so that I am losing too much and my milk will go to poo.

Do I want the stretch marks to go away? Who wouldn't? But I don't mind them.

Everytime I look in the mirror and seen the circular pattern of fading red lines that I refer to as "the dreamcatcher," or try those jeans on again a few days later....I see something I never knew was there.

I love my body because it was able to conceive a baby. It was able to safely grow and nourish that baby for 37 weeks with little to no complications. It was able to deliver me a beautiful healthly son. And it is able to feed that son what he needs when he needs it.

And everytime I see the stretch marks, I don't look at them as a reminder of what my body won't ever be again or isn't anymore.

I see them as a reminder of what I can do, and I am finally comfortable in my own skin.

What the F*** is this?!

Ok, before I got preggo, I was not the most patient person. This is one of the main reasons I could never be a teacher. As the pregnancy hormones keep ramping up, especially getting so close to delivery and given my increasing discomfort, my patience level has sunk even lower.


With that said:


I had noticed on BRU that the gym we chose for Peanut was on sale, 20% off. With that discount and several others we had, we could get the thing almost 50% off. Additionally, BRU just had free shipping on $100 orders. So, given my anal state of needing everything done and ready, we orderd the gym and a few other not so fun things, like the hamper. Now, when I registered for the hamper, I picked the ecru colored one. It also comes in blue and green and pink. I picked the eggshell because it was neutral and we didn't know if we were going to do a theme or anything yet. And this was one of those items that every color had an individual number so if you wanted a particular color, you scanned that one. When I did the order for the gym and hamper, I was looking for other thigns to get me above the $100 mark and noticed that some items, like pacifiers, said "Colors selected at random upon shipping" meaning that even though I chose the blue pacifiers or something, whoever filled the order to ship could just pick a color set at random, and it may not be the one I chose. Did it say this for the hamper? Um, no. Because again, each color has a seperate number you register for. AND, the free shipping didn't come through when I was placing the order online, so I had to call for assistance, at which time the kind salesperson took my entire order. When I received the confirmation email, it said "Folding Hamper - ECRU." So imagine my dismay when I open the box yesterday and pull out a box that says "Folding Hamper - PINK!" Seriously! WTF!!!!!!!!! Of all the colors available, they send the one we absolutely can't use. I was instantly ANGRY. Upon inspecting the packing slip and invoice, it indeed says "Folding Hamper-ECRU." I had to run some errands and was going by a TRU, so I took the heinous hamper in there. To my further irritation, they don't carry it there, because it is an exclusive BRU item. OF COURSE. The closest actual BRU store is about 35 minutes away from me. I called customer service when I got home, and I can return it through the mail and they will send a new one. However; I will have to pay shipping on the correct hamper! WTF!?! It was their error, not mine. I said to forget it, I will haul it to a store. So tomorrow on the way to pick up Z from the aeropuerto, I have to stop into the BRU nightmare. This situation did not help my patience level.


Then, today I discovered that the security deposit refund check that we had been waiting for and waiting for and finally received, DID NOT CLEAR THE BANK! Now we have overdraft protection just in case, but we only keep a couple hundred dollars in that account. Plus, since we were waiting so long for this freaking check, I had to use that money to actually pay bills, as all our other money is in a seperate bank that we don't live close to, so we don't take out. That means our checking account turned into one of those big inflatable houses with stuff bouncing all over the place. I was MAD. So I went to the bank and had them explain what happened. All they could tell me was that they had tried to put the check through twice and it would not clear. I then called the apartment manager. OF COURSE she was so helpful. She ended up checking with their bank and said there was plenty of money in the account and there was not anything she could do to help me. I stopped at home on my way to run a work errand to grab some lunch, and what was in the mail? The check! The bank had not been able to clear it because the manager didn't sign it! Needless to say, they got another phone call and we kinda got into it because it still apparently was not "their fault." I was asked if I checked to see if it signed before I put it in the bank, to which I responded "did you check to see if you signed it before you mailed it!?!" WTF!?! So now, in addition to my journey to BRU to return the heinous hamper, I have to swing by the old apartment in order to have the damn thing signed so I can deposit it again. And I fully intend to submit my fees to the manager once they are all in. I am MAD.

On the plus side: my hair cut went well and I love it. It is still long enough to put up and has style once again. Friend K asked what was wrong with it before and all I could say was "it was just overgrown." True story.

I did get alot done this evening. I am still obsessed with cleaning the floor. I also decided that the nursery furniture needed to be rearranged. I want the hamper, the right one that is, and the diaper genie to be on either side of the changing table and in order to do that, it needed to be moved. I put the bouncer together and it works really well. The replacement motor for the swing came and it is so much better and quieter. I understand that all swings make some noise if they had a motor, but this was BAD, especially hearing how much better this new one is. I have to call Graco to see what they want me to do with the old one. I also put batteries in the mobile. It is so cute! I love how it puts stars and stuff on the ceiling, although it is kinda distorted at the moment given the angle the crib is at. I will have to fix that. Baby stuff is so much fun to play with! I have to get more batteries to make sure everything works, and I still need to get stuff washed.

I also got my SDI paperwork completed and am ready for my maternity leave. My temp starts training full time next week, and that kinda freaks me out.

Ugh, I so need this fun weekend with Z, even though it is a short one! I just need to not obsess for a few days! :)

Make Me Lose Control....

...of my bladder that is. :( Another incredible sexy side effect of pregnancy. I mean, we aren't talking about peeing your pants on the daily in large quantities. Let's just say trips to the bathroom are much more frequent and long because you want to make sure everything is out. Otherwise things get....um...damp. Not so attractive. I had to explain this my husband yesterday when we were waiting for the doctor...all about how it feels to have someone's head on your bladder.

Anyway, the appointment went really well. My BP and sugar is fine. The nurse said my BP is actually getting better. Peanut's heartrate is great and he is growing like little weed. Dr. took ALOT of belly measurements and wiggled baby around alot. He is about 6-7 pounds now, even though I lost 1.5 pounds since last visit 2 weeks ago. Dr. said it could be anytime now and talked to me about contractions and what to look for. We also had the Strep B culture, which HURT. :( If I have to suffer through diabetes, hopefully this test will come back negative.

Speaking of diabetes, all I can think about is Funfetti cake. There is a box of it sitting in my cupboard at home, screaming to be made. Maybe I could get away with Funfetti cookies?

I am getting really excited for the baby shower this weekend! :) I am also excited to get my hair cut this afternoon!

"No! It Just Needs to Get Done!!!!"

...is my exclamation and response to when my husband, mother, friends...pretty much anyone tells me to chill out and just wait for stuff.

Case in point: I am all hyper about making sure we have everything the baby needs before he gets here. I know my baby shower is this weekend, but I am still making lists of what needs to get bought, how much it is, what coupons I have, etc. I have been so completely hyper about this that Ben has sworn to take me to Babies R Us next Wednesday in order to get everything on my list. Countless people have told me to relax and just wait to see what we get from the shower, and that the baby really doesn't need such and such when he is first born...blah blah blah. It doesn't matter to me. IT JUST NEEDS TO BE DONE FOR MY PEACE OF MIND. It seems easier to do it now then to tote a newborn somewhere to get it.

Another example: We have new hardwood floors in the house. I do not like to feel the grit and litter beneath my bare feet. I sweep the floor about 17000 times per day. And as soon as I feel the grit, it has to be swept up right away. I can't stand it. Ben thinks I am nutso. He comes in from the garage and I sweep up the dirt behind him.

There are many examples. Really I just want it done. It is the nesting kicking in full force.

In other baby news: Today is baby day #11 (I think). 36 week appointment happens at 4:20 pm. I think they do the test for Strep B, but I am not sure. I also have a long list for the doctor as to what has been happening. ALERT: what I am about to say may be TMI for some. My boobs are leaking some runny clear gel-like stuff. I have been told this is completely normal and it is just the colostrum. It still freaks me out.

I am now able to use my belly as a table. The baby doesn't like hot plates and such so I have to put a blanket over it, but it still saves me from getting out a tray, which doesn't work anyway since the belly is too big and the tray is essentially over my knees. My new favorite thing to do is grab on to his little knees when he sticks them into my sides and shake him a little. He responds by yanking away his knee and then kicking his little feet. :) I also like to push on one side of my belly and watch the other side respond.

I am not sure what is going on with the baby shower this weekend. :) It is kind of a surprise, which I am excited about. It will be just my friends which I am really excited about, especially since I haven't seen most of them in quite some time.

I have made the decision to cut my hair. It is hella long right now, and becoming a pain in the arse. It takes forever to dry and style. I am leaving it long enough to pull up when the baby arrives, but short enough that I can actually style it in the morning.

And lastly: I keep having dreams that I go into the doctor and he tells me that my fluid is low or something and the baby has to be born right now. Fingers crossed that doesn't happen.

Maybe Crop Tops Will Come Back In Style....

Because seriously, I now have a ton. :)

Ok, so they aren't REAL crop tops. In the recent move, I cleaned out my closet and drawers yet again, this time with the intent of "what am I seriously never going to wear again, as a new mother?" I also tried to find anything that would fit over "the belly." I have had a hard time finding maternity clothes that fit me right, so I have been relying on longer and baby doll style shirts that I have had in my closet and hand me downs. As the days tick by, fewer items are fitting me. In fact, quite a few shirts do not cover my belly anymore but land somewhere below the belly button. So started my collection of preggo crop tops. Keeping in mind that these shirts fit me fine just a week or two ago, I may have to raid Ben's sweatshirt collection. My pjs no longer fit and the pants have to be worn well below my waist, creating a spanse of belly not covered by anything.

I can't really complain. I have had a pretty good pregnancy so far: No serious morning sickness, just some nausea. No massive headaches frequenting.

I am growing increasingly tired. Lugging around this little boy is quite tedious these days. I can't bend over to put on pants, socks, or shoes anymore. Everything must be done sitting down. Climbing in and out of bed is always a feat that involves quite a bit of grunting and rocking around (This is of great amusement to my husband. Although last night he did seem more sympathetic as I was arranging my 10,000 pillows and explaining that yes, I have to do this everytime I get in and out of bed at night). I have to potty about every 30 minutes it seems (this may be a slight exaggeration...I am known to do that from time to time). And yes, the stretch marks I fought so hard to avoid have won the battle and have emerged.

My blood sugar has been pretty good. I have had a few high readings, but nothing that could be deemed seriously out of control. I was reading about it online the other night, and am now convinced that every cramp I have is preclampsia. I have figured out what sets the sugar off, and try to avoid those foods if possible (sometimes it is just not feasible to avoid a cookie). I am sure everything is fine, but have a long list of things to go over with the doctor next week, including that I think the baby has dropped. The pressure in my hips is maddening, and my left hip gets stiff if I sit or lay too long. I then look like an old woman as I hobble around (an astute observation from Ben). I have also had a little bit of discharge that could be considered to be the start of effacing and passing of the mucous plug (sorry if that is TMI....I could have been more descriptive). I can breathe alot easier, also leading me to think Baby Lahman may have dropped and my tummy looks different. the bump is lower than before.

The nursery is coming together. We got the rocking chair in there and all of the pictures to be hung elsewhere out and on the walls last night. I finally called Graco and requested a new motor tower for the swing. It just doesn't sound right. I also registered all our products online with their various manufacturers for notification of product and parts recalls or replacements. I separated out all of the 0-3 months clothes and those are first in line for a trip to the washer. I am trying really really hard to hold off on purchasing anything else until after the shower next weekend, but it is very hard. I am at the nesting stage where everything needs to be done and ready for Peanut. EVERYTHING. Ben promised that we would go to BRU the Wednesday following the shower and get everything else we need.

Yesterday was the offical 35 week, 35 days left marker. I can't wait to meet this little boy! (He still does not have an official name). If he cooks until next week, he will be able to stay in Sonoma instead of going to a NICU in Santa Rosa.

Things to do:
-Get drawer liners for dresser
-Resubmit paperwork to hospital
-Update photos (still not done :( )
-Work on Baby Book (I did update the calendar)
-Pack hospital bags
-Get batteries
-Wash clothes and other fabrics

Oh! Ps...the kitties are doing really well with the baby furniture. Layla just hides underneath it, which is fine. Guiliani has had some incidents in the bassinet and pack and play, but he is learning. He hates the spray bottle. :)

I Have Always Wondered....

...what the inside of my belly button looks like. Fortunately for me, I will be able to fufill this wonder in a few days. The belly button is definately getting more shallow each day and is going to pop very soon.

Today would be Baby Day um....#10 I think, marking our 34 week appointment. I have been testing my blood sugar for 4 days now, so I have a better understanding of what kind of foods set it off and such. I am sure the Dr. will want to discuss that. I also want to know what position the baby is in at this point. And...originally, everyone planned on me working up to my due date. However, given my growing uncomfortablility and "diabetes," I am almost hoping that he moves the "last day of work" up to the end of January and puts me on disability a few weeks early. Califo.rnia law gives me a 4 week leeway for maternity disability, I believe....meaning that if I go out 2 weeks before my due date, I will have 2 weeks after my due date to continue disability until the baby arrives and I go on actual maternity leave. That would be an extra 2 weeks of disability that I haven't really budgeted for, but at this point I am just thinking that it may be too much. We will see I guess. I am probably just being a sissy.

Last night I continued to go through the baby clothes and try to determine what else is really needed. We got a heap of clothes from the shower, and are most likely getting some hand-me-downs from some friends. I think what Peanut really needs are 0-3 month onesies and socks. I am just so clueless on what this little boy is actually going to need. :(

My list of things that need to get done:
~buy and install extra car seat base (Saturday trip to baby consignment store)
~finish thank you cards from shower 1
~start washing baby clothes, towels, sheets....
~get batteries because every thing baby apparently requires 20 batteries
~update baby book and calendar
~pack hospital bags
~re-submit hospital paperwork with new address
~get pictures edited and uploaded (involves installing photoshop onto laptop)
~find rug for nursery

My latest pregnancy craving....CAKE. Damn diabetes.

Baby Day #8

Yesterday I had my routine monthly OB appointment. This one took a bit longer and was a bit more complicated for a couple reasons:

1. I failed the glucose test. My glucose was too high. This doesn't necessarily mean I have gestational diabetes, but it warrants another round of testing. The doctor explained that although diet can play some component in this screening, it is mostly determined by the placental hormones and genetics. No one in my family has diabetes, but my grandpa does have a higher blood sugar. So I made an appointment to next Friday morning (not about the Black Friday shopping after 5 years of retail), and hopefully everything will go OK.

2. My blood pressure was a little high. Not crazily high, but high for what it has normally been for me. This led to a conversation about sleeping and stress. You can guess how that went.

3. My weight gain is still a bit low. We had to talk about the importance of consistent weight gain in these last months.

4. I am having good ol' Braxton Hicks contractions. At first I thought it was Peanut kicking really hard. They have been happening on and off over the past few days, and usually catch me off guard and cause me to wince slightly. However, while the doctor was listening for Baby Boy's heartbeat, I felt one and told the doctor. He felt my stomach and said no, that is a BH contraction. He explained the tightening and so on.

5. We talked about what kind of birth I want. My friend J got induced this week and was in labor yesterday morning. And I had seen those wonderful intervention sequences in the recently watched "The Business of Being Born." I told him we wanted to go as natural as possible, but not completely rule out drugs. He said we would try for as natural as I wanted.

6. We talked about when I should stop working (my boss is interviewing for my temp). My EDD is February 13. The doctor said as long as I am feeling fine and not showing any signs of labor or complications, I should be able to work up until around then. If the EDD rolls around and there is nothing happening yet, he said that I can't work past that. Well, he said it isn't encouraged. I will be going in for check ups every few days. He won't let me go past 42 weeks before he would induce labor. However, if I make it to 42 weeks, I most likely won't need induction anyway. Anyway, I signed my insurance forms and discussed my paperwork with the receptionists.

It wasn't a bad visit, just not the best one I have had.

And we haven't heard anything back about the rental we applied for on Wednesday. How long does it normally take to hear? I am so anxious to get this next step of relocation completed.

Hospital Tour

Lamaze class went well last night, but it was soooo long. It lasted about an extra hour and we didn't have time to get dinner beforehand because we looked at a condo. Therefore, I had to sacrifice my mac and cheese for a mexican pizza. No worries, the mac and cheese is here for lunch today. :)

Anyway, class started out kind of rough. One of the other girls in my class had her water break on Sunday morning. She is 29 weeks. Now she is down at UCSF until they will deliver her baby early on December 15. I think that puts it at 34 weeks. Scary. I can't imagine having to do that and having to stay in the hospital that long. :( I think we are going to send her some flowers or something.

We went over interventions in class. It was horrible. The C-section video was horrible. Epidurals make me want to barf. The idea of a vacuum on my son's head made my skin crawl. I didn't do well. We did an exercise in which we had 15 cards with opposite birth elements on each side, like one side said vaginal birth, the other said C-section. We had to lay out all the cards as to how we saw our birth playing out. We talked about the support we would need from our partners for this birth. Then we had to take 5 away. Like flip them over to the stuff we didn't want and talk about the support we would need again. Then we had to do the same again, so we were only left with 5 of the original 15 elements we had chosen. It was difficult, because it got down to 7 things I really didn't want to budge on. But it was a very good exercise because it really helped us evaluate what was most important to us in the birth.

We ran late because we took our hospital tour early, so we could end class a week early and not go into December. I was so pleased with the maternity ward at the hospital. It is so private and small. All the birthing rooms have showers and are very spacious and open. The afterbirth rooms are the same. The only room I didn't like was the OR for C-sections. It looked scary. :( They will deliver a baby at that hospital from 36weeks +, otherwise they will transfer to SRMH or UCSF. Knock on wood.

So that makes next week our last Lamaze class. I am pretty happy with the way the class has gone. I am OK with it ending early. There is so much to get done.

Tomorrow I am taking a half day to go help friend D take her twin baby boys to the doctor for their shots. Then I have a lecture on new discoveries in blue whales (yes, I am a science geek). On Saturday morning, I originally planned to go to the DMV (long story), but I am so tired I am skipping that and making an appointment for next week. I do have to do my glucose test thought. Then I am stopping by the animal shelter to help with the Christmas mailing. On Sunday I am meeting friend K to start planning the CA shower and go on a stroller hunt. Hopefully, the train kits come this weekend so I can get started on those as well. I have the paint, ribbon, and glues but I think I may need some beads of some sort or some other type of embellishment.

So much to do, so little time!

Oh, my hips do feel much better. And today is officially 27 weeks! According to BabyCenter.com I am now in the thrid trimester! :)

Let the Hormones Rage On

I forgot to mention the strongest and most noticeable pregnancy symptom that I have these days: My raging hormones.

In addition to the crying, I have rapid irrational mood swings. I can go from elated to severely pissed off in about 2 seconds. It doesn't take much. The longer I am left to stew about something, the angrier I get. This includes things that I have been angry about and have had resolved. I also manage to come up with illogical rationalizations for my anger and can direct it upon anyone.

Last night I was angry at Ben for something that happened about a week ago. I wasn't mad about it at the time, but yesterday I decided I was mad about it. When I told him about it, I started to cry. I wasn't mad anymore, now my feelings were hurt. And then I yelled at the cat about what an a$$hole he was being that day. This all took place in about 10 minutes. And then I was fine. Ben and the cat are also recovering.

Baby Day #7

Today is a busy day. Things have settle down a bit at work, and I finally feel caught up with work stuff. Now I just have to work on the home stuff.

I have my follow-up ultrasound today. My sheet ordering the ultrasound clarifies that it is to visualize the heart, kdineys, and diaphragm. I am just excited to see my little boy again and see how much he has grown in the past 6 weeks. I feel him move all the time now and it is stronger every day. I am getting pretty excited.

As the days fly by, it seems it is more and more about the baby with every one. The amount of baby stuff we are receiving in the mail increases every day. The countdown is now under 100 days. Wow.

The baby registeries are done. I think I said that before, but now I really mean it. I have edited and added and all that stuff. They only thing we are still out on is the bumbo. I can't decide if my baby needs one. It seems to me if we have a high chair, it is unnecesary. However, I am open to suggestion on this matter. My mother is doing the shower invites for Ohio this weekend. I have ordered the train kits and bought the necessary craft supplies. I may need to get some more stuff depending on what the actual pieces look like and such.

As for how I am feeling....I am hungry all the time. All the time. The cravings are in full swing. I have not made my husband venture out for anything at this point, but he knows that those days are numbered. My belly shots will be coming, I promise. I have like 6 to post. I may need to poach some, as I was not so diligent in taking them while on vacation. The acne is clearing up on my face, for which I am thankful. I discovered that if I don't spray perfume on my neck/chest region, the acne stays at a minimum. My eyes are hella dry. I wake up with crusties every morning and have to put in drops several times a day. I have no real signs of strech marks (knock on wood). My hands and feet are quite swollen and I am thrilled if I can get my wedding band off in the morning. I have been sleeping much better and usually only wake up once or twice a night, usually to pee. However, I have been so tired lately, I opt to hold it and go back to sleep, which makes me wake up a bit earlier but has been working out ok.

Oh! and I am getting leg cramps. Man, oh man, do those suckers KILL. Just in one leg, I think my right. If my bladder doesn't wake me up, that will. I have been strecthing out my legs before I go to sleep like my yoga instructor suggested. She said it would make them less intense. If this is less intense, then I don't want to see what the full on one is. Lord, how am I going to handle contractions?

Speaking of which, we have our third Lamaze class this evening as well. We are starting to work on our birth plan. I have been reading up on different drugs and stuff. And I started watching "The Business of Being Born." This is what we have so far:

1. My husband is to be present with me at all times.
2. We want minimal/no staff in the room unless necessary to have more. We will call for the nurse in between if we need something.
3. I do not want to be offered drugs. I want to ask for them.
4. I want to avoid an epidural. If I ask for drugs I want a light narcotic (I have names but don't want to see like a druggie) to take the edge off only.
5. I do not want to be induced unless absolutely necessary.
6. Any exam done on the baby must be done in the presence of me or my husband.
7. I want every procedure suggested to be thoroughly explained to me. All windows of opportunity must be explained as well.
8. No bottles or pacifiers are to be given to the baby. Breastfed only.

It is going to be a busy few weeks. So much to get done. :)

Wanna Be A Bawler?

No, not a shot caller with 20 inch blades on the impala.

I mean a big fat cryer. If so, then get pregnant.

Seriously, I was an um...emotional person before the pregnancy who cried at wierd things, but now it has become a bit ridiculous. And I can't stop myself!

Yesterday, I cried at the wedding on MTV's True Life (and the girl was a B**CH!) and again at a song on the radio, "Apologize"....which I have heard 900 million times. I cried again in Lamaze class this past Wednesday when the baby in the birthing video was born. On average, I think I cry about 20-25 times a week.

And I don't know if she noticed or not (my husband sure did), but I seriously cried about 17 times at Z's wedding. That just includes the wedding day. Everything that day made me cry, and not just wedding stuff. I cried when I realized I forgot my shoes. I was not crying for the shoes themselves, but that I was scatterbrained enough to forget them. The shoes were irrelavent. I was crying at my stupidity. This lasted about 20 minutes, and I seriously couldn't stop myself. I think my husband thought I was nutso. He probably still does.

So, yes, I understand that this is due to my um...hormone imbalances, but still. I have to carry a bottle of contact solution around with me, so after a crying bout, I can clean off my lenses. This is hard to do if I am driving. And I do cry then. Like the other day when I heard "Wind Beneath My Wings" and I lost it because I was thinking about my grandpa.

Anyway, I am at work today. I figured that since I had to skip out on Thursday, I should catch up today. It has finally started raining. FINALLY. It has been so dry and disgusting. My favorite thing to do when it rains is curl up on the couch with hot chocolate and popcorn to watch old movies. However, I haven't really been able to do that, although I semi-did with Grey's on Thursday night. I have been trying to catch up on everything. Yesterday I did some errands, paid some more bills, cleaned up the apartment a bit. I have also discovered the wonder of Ebay. I found our OSU diaper bag there and got it for way cheaper than what it retails for.

I am not sure why we would need the water bottle holder, but it was included. I have had a hard time choosing a diaper bag, because the ones I like don't look like diaper bags and are therefore more $$$. I don't want a really baby-ish one. I found one that I kinda liked at Target that is turquoise, so I did register for that one. But I do really like this one, and I don't have a problem carrying a sports themed bag. Even though he is being born in California, he is still a Buckeye Baby! :)

I have not become one of those people that gets up in the middle of the night to check their Ebay auction bids. A Travel Swing I was bidding on ended at about 5 this morning, and I was not going to drag my butt out of bed for it. I suppose if it was something I really wanted, I might do it. But I doubt it. The most valuable thing to me these days is sleep. True Story.

Baby Day #6

First off, Happy 24 weeks to me! :) 24 weeks marks another important infant viability milestone. Not that you want a baby to be born at 24 weeks, but if it is, it has a greater chance at survival.

Today is also my monthly doctor's appointment. I have much to talk to him about and we have to go over my ultrasound results. Here's my topic list:

- Insurance: since my husband switched employers, we may be switching insurance plans. We agree that we like our doctor and want to stay with him, so we have to find out if he is covered in either of the new plans.
- I want to switch my prenatal vitamins. I pay a butt load for the ones I take now, and while organizing my coupons, I found an offer that covers almost the full cost of a different one. I checked online and they are basically the same. Now, given that my blood work has all come back normal and I am not anemic or anything, this should be feasible.
- I want to schedule my 3 and 4D ultrasound and I know his office gives a referral discount with a company in Santa Rosa.
- I want to make sure that my due date is not going to be adjust back at all, because my mother and Ben's mother are buying plane tickets soon.
- I want to start my maternity and disability leave paperwork so I can plan when my baby dedication and such will be.

I think that is all. :)

I also have to get another referral for another ultrasound because they couldn't get the picture of all four heart chambers together last time. Baby kept moving and such. :) Yay! I will get to see him again!

Ok, so last night was our first Lamaze class. I think it went really well, alot different than I expected. It was kinda long, and we were really tired from long work days. I was definately a talker...I asked any and every question that came to mind, which the instructor told us to do. I wanted my money's worth! :) There were just two other couples there, and they knew each other, but they were really nice. I was telling my husband that I felt more comfortable around these people because they are more like us. In my yoga class, there is only one other girl that I really mesh with. The others are all stay at home Sonoma type moms who took yoga all the time during the week and take the other prenatal yoga class during the day together and some pregnancy water aerobics class. They always come in all made-up and with perfect hair and yoga clothes. And they are all like perfect body types and the only place they are pregnant is their bump. They are really nice people, don't get me wrong. I just always come in ragged from a work day in my lounge pants and t-shirt.

Anyhoo, class went well. We talked alot about body changes through the different trimesters and preterm labor. We talked about signs of labor and watched a birth video. Let me tell you, I cried. Not out of fear or anything, but when the baby was born...I cried. And...I was the only one. Thank goodness it was dark. I was very interested in the shower that helps during labor. I had never heard about this before, a laboring woman getting a shower. The instructor said that alot of women who do the shower then feel they don't need an epidural. Interesting. We also learned some stretches and exercises to help during birth. Most of them were yoga positions, so I felt ahead of the game :) I was interesting to see Ben attempt a child's pose though. :)

Sidenotes: My car still is not done. It should be done tomorrow. Correction: It BETTER be done tomorrow.

And I had my first bizzarro craving last night. Grape jelly and Ruffles. No joke. I made a bagel with grape jelly and Ruffles. :)

Frustration and Paranoia

If yesterday was back to business, today is back to stress. All I want to do is sleep. It's like the past two weeks never happened. The tension came flying back.

First of all, my car went into the shop where my husband works for repairs before he left for our vacation. After a week and a half, it is still NOT DONE. I am beyond angry about it. We are paying for these repairs, and we should therefore be treated like any other paying customer.

Second, there are just alot of work issues going on for my husband. Being the control freak that I am, I am stressed about it more than he is. Well, at least I am being more vocal about my stress. Having him chastise me and such, does not help...it makes me angrier or worse, makes me hysterically cry. I like to think that situations are never as bad as they seem on the outside and look for the positives. He always prepares and expects for the worst. He handles things in a completely different manner and it makes me angry. More so now that I have a mounting hormonal imbalance fueling my fire.

Third, we still have not figured out where we will be living. As my belly expands and it becomes harder for me to bend down and do all the motions and activities associated with moving, this begins to stress me out more.

I am just so damn frustrated and feel like I am taking care of everything and everyone.

And as for the paranoia....yeah, I have become irrationally paranoid. I have always been a teeny bit more paranoid than the average person, but it is becoming way worse. Example: My husband was taking pictures on his phone from the top of the Empire State Building, with his hand and phone outside the fencing. All I could see was someone bumping into him or something and the phone being dropped. I seriously got sweats over it. Everytime he took out the phone, I had to look away or felt the need to stand guard. That is not normal. I told him about it, and he laughed.

I better have my car back tomorrow. I am doing my Target registry on Sunday.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame....

...or at least buy me a ballpark hotdog!

Let me tell you, I have been craving the ballpark style hotdogs in the past few days. I had one when I was down on the pier this past weekend, and it was soooooo good. My husband is going to a Gi.ants game this evening with some work people and he was talking about the hotdogs last night. It made me super jealous... :)

My other latest craving this week: Nestle Crunch bars. I bought a bag of the mini ones yesterday and I have eaten most of them. I had to force myself to eat a poptart this morning for breakfast before I could eat any of them....which was what I really wanted for breakfast.

Ah, no judgement can be passed on a pregnant woman and her cravings! :)

Long Days

The past couple weeks and the upcoming couple weeks are proving to be quite tiring and busy. This past weekend was no exception. :(

On Friday, we had a big meeting that pretty much took up all day. Friday evening Ben and I had dinner with Chris to go over our living situations, etc. Neither of them have any opinions and Ben was not being very helpful. Do I feel as though we got anything accomplished? Not really. Do I feel like we have a concrete timeframe for anything? Nope. On the way home from dinner, it was raining. Ben decided that I needed new windshield wipers, so we have to stop to get some. No joke. And we got the heavy duty, Teflon kind. I can't remember the name of them, but even I have to admit, they are really really nice. Anyway, by the time we got home it was after 8, and we had to get everything ready for the next day.

Saturday was another training day at TMMC, this one being at Pier 39. As hard as it was for me to get up at 7 on a Saturday morning, it was actually kinda nice to be down on the Pier at that time. It wasn't so crowded, and you could hear the sea lions barking away, smell the seafood start cooking, and smell the salty water. It was actually really nice. Training was fine, and we took a tour of the pier to learn where pertinent places were. Plus, I got a pier hot dog...they are so super yummy. We spent alot of time watching the sea lions and stuff. And I spent a good chunk of change in the MMC store and Aquarium store, for Peanut and my friends' shower gifts (one boy and one girl). (Sidenote: Although I love gift registeries, I hate buying off of them. People get other gifts from me unless I really don't know them that well. I use them as a launching pad for my gift ideas.)

Pregnancy Note: I spent a good 20 minutes wandering around the second level of the parking garage, looking for my car. How many times did I walk past it? Probably about 5. The garage looked completely different to me that morning and I guess I was too distracted to really pay attention to where I parked. Plus I really wanted a hot chocolate from the fudge store. At least I remembered what level it was. This walking, coupled with the hikes around the Pier made me very very tired.

When I got home I had to go to the grocery store. Yes, I had too. We usually go on Thursday nights, but we didn't this week. I forget why. If I hadn't gone on Saturday, I would not have been able to go until Wednesday, leaving us with no food. By the time I got home, it was 8.

On Sunday, I did get to sleep in. But I didn't fall asleep until about 1 that morning because I was trying to get stuff done and ready for the next day. I did make myself my weekend brunch of scrambled eggs and ketchup, bacon, and waffles. Then I went back to the City to go shopping with friend G. I needed to get wedding shoes (which I found. Z will be pleased that I don't have to bedazzle a pair of crocs.). I also got 2 new bras from VS. Let me just say that I know they measured be wrong, and I almost asked to measure myself. Countless bras later, I ended up with 2 new BBV's in 38C. I also got Z's wedding present. :) We had to do quite a bit of hiking to get it.

When I got home, I was spent. I did manage to make dinner, clean the kitchen up and do some laundry. My apartment is so messy that I want to cry. I made myself a little cleaning schedule for this week. I hate leaving my apartment dirty when I go on trips. However, Ben will be in the apartment for about a week by himself, so I can't really garuntee what I will come home to. :(

Tonight I have yoga. Tomorrow I have errands to run during the workday, and then I have more training. So maybe on Wednesday I will finally be able to have an early evening and relax. Fingers crossed.

Baby Day #4

So today is another doctor's appointment. I have no large expectations for this visit, as I know my 20 anatomy scan is next week. I am assuming we will just go over the basics. But at least I will hear Peanut again...or the heartbeat anyway.

I do want to get my questions answered. In addition to the ones I mentioned yesterday, I want to find out when the best time to do the 3-D and 4-D ultrasound would be.

Oh, let's talk about cravings. I was talking to Ben last night about how his baby doesn't like red meat (seriously, I feel sick after I eat it. This may just be because I like my steaks cooked medium and no more. Now I have to cook the hell out of them to well done and it is like eating leather.). We got to talking about the things I have been eating. There are definite patterns, or at least extreme preferences.

1. Scrambled eggs with ketchup. On weekends I eat this for breakfast and dinner. During the week when there are left overs for Ben, I eat them for dinner.

2. Waffles. Again, eat them all the time, usually with the eggs. but I always make extra and then toast them.

3. Rice Krispies....yep, still on that kick. This is usually my nightime snack.

4. Peaches.

5. Extra Salty Chex Mix. I have made 3 batches already and each time, more seasoning salt is added.

6. Movie Theater Butter Popcorn. YUM-O. I don't let myself eat this very often, as it is probably not good for Peanut. But it still gets consumed and quite quickly.

7. Pecans. I mean the raw kind that haven't been salted and are used for baking.

8. Salad bar Ranch Dressing. OMG, I seriously want to fill up a little bowl and just eat it like soup.

9. Chinese Food. This is my main intake of veggies. Although, I did read that right now is about the time when the baby starts tasting all the different foods in the amniotic fluid, so it is a good time to start eating veggies (I guess to give the baby an early aptitude for them). So I guess I have to start loading up.

I have done pretty good with not mixing thing together. I think the scrambled eggs with ketchup is about as wierd as it has gotten so far. When I start dipping the waffles in the ranch dressing, I will let you know. :)

Adjustments

As I dive further and further into being pregnant, I notice myself making minor adjustments in my everyday schedule. And these are adjustments that I have already made adjustments on. I like to think this makes me a flexible person. :)

These adjustments include:

Taking the extra few minutes in the morning and the evening to thoroughly rub in my stretch mark lotion. Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but the exhaustion I feel from growing this tiny person inside me screams for the extra minutes to spent sleeping. And trust me....I RUB IT IN. I have already gone through 2 bottles.

I don't eat lunch anymore. Instead I eat a huge breakfast which usually consists of some type of breakfast sandwich and fruit; eggs, some type of breakfast meat and waffles; or cereal (like 2 bowls) and fruit. Then I snack until dinner, which is also a sizable meal. And of course I then have my before bed snack.

I floss my teeth about 20 times a day. I don't know why. Sometimes I even floss when I haven't eaten anything. I think it feels good on my gums.

I sleep with a pillow between my knees now. It is a huge body pillow that also allows me to wrap my arms around it. I also have my other 3 pillows surrounding me in a protective pillow fort of sorts. Oh and there's the cat pillow at the foot of the bed.

These are things I didn't used to do. Things that let me know that my life is indeed changing. :)

Oh, and my butt hurts. No, seriously....it kills me on the left side. Sometimes so much so that I can't shift my weight from one side to the other, bend down, roll onto my other side, or even stand up....This is probably something I should mention to the doctor tomorrow, right?

This is my list of things to talk to the Doc about:
- my butt pain
- the psycho mouthwash and dental plan my dentist gave me
- the lamaze options I have found
- what happens if we move to a different town
- and my bloodwork

Where Has All The Hunger Gone?

Today I am 18 weeks preggers. I will try to comemorate the day with a belly shot. I still have the 17 week belly on my camera....but I haven't had the time to post it yet.

Anyway, ever since the good old doctor told me that I needed to drink way way more, I have been. I used to drink what I thought was quite a bit: a glass of milk or coke in the morning (Hey! Sometimes I need the caffeine, ok?), a juice or water at lunch, water in the afternoon, milk or juice with dinner, and more water before bed. It is still the same but with added in water. For instance, today I drank some sprite this morning (my tummy hurt a little), a water before lunch, a pomegranate lemonade with lunch (so, so good), and I just refilled my water bottle again. So my doctor would definately be happy with me....I have already peed 5 times today.

However, my hunger has lulled. My tummy is so full of liquid, there doesn't seem to be much room for food. I am trying to munch here and there and still eating lunch and dinner, but breakfast has been harder (it has always been hard for me to eat breakfast...I don't think my stomach wakes up along with the rest of my body).

I guess I am slightly concerned that I am not eating enough. :( I know Peanut is getting bigger, as my belly is. But still. I will mentioned to the doctor next week.

Other than that the week has been ok....better than last week for sure. My bridesmaid dress came! And it fits in all the big places...and that is about it. I have to chop about a foot of fabric off of it, and take in the shoulders. I have also decided that a small panel of leftover fabric needs to be sewn into the v-neck to prevent any appearances of certain body parts during the wedding.

I have actually gotten alot done this week, at least in terms of househould administrative things that needed to be done...aka phone calls to credit cards and other agencies, filling prescriptions, organizing finances, etc. I even planned out a menu for grocery shopping, which I haven't done in AGES (more like months, but still....feels like forever.)

Ben and I are communicating alot better this week and the outlook is much better than I previously thought. I will keep thinking positively and sending out good vibes....come on law of attraction.

I still haven't been sleeping very well though. :( Therefore, neither are the kitties. Layla was sleeping on the bed with me the other night, and she has been alot more cuddly. (Sidenote: I was just informed at the shelter event that I went to that she was abused! Apparently her old owner beat her and threw her outside to rid her. Then the poor little kitty got knocked up and kept coming back because she was hungry and such. Finally the lady brought her into the shelter. :( Seriously, who does that? From there, she had to be fixed and the kittens terminated because she was too small and sickly to give birth to them (I knew that part). Poor little thing!)

Oh, and I went to Target the other day and I always scope out the baby stuff. This visit I chose to look at breast pumps and bottles. I seriously FREAKED OUT. I was so overwhelmed by the different kinds of pumps, bottles, nipples, sterilizers, warmers, liners....I thought my head was going to explode. I realized I knew NOTHING about these things and have started reading about them online. I even found a website that allows you to compare the different kinds of pumps side by side. It also leads you through the different features and things you may want in a pump.

Despite my increasing knowledge, next time I go into Target, I think I will look at booties and socks. :)