Monday, July 20, 2009

Throwing It Out There

This post is hard for me to write. I am an obvious type A personality with control issues, meaning I don't like to relinquish control of anything or ask for help. Relinquish is just a fancy word for lose. Or for that matter, even admit I need help with anything.

And before I go any further, I must say to my family and friends, especially my mother if she reads this and wonders why I didn't tell her, I am sorry. Again, see the reason above. In addition, I don't like to worry people. And in this case, I don't like to talk about it, but Dr. says I should.

I have post partum depression.

What?! No way, you say, I have talked to you and you seem fine and happy!!!

Yes, I do. Again, see above.

Before I say anything more, I am going to say this, and I can't stress it enough.

I WOULD NEVER, IN A MILLION TRILLION YEARS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, HURT MY BABY IN ANY WAY. ISAAC IS MY WORLD, AND I LOVE HIM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.

Another reason I didn't say anything at first to anyone other than my husband, I don't want anyone to think I would hurt him and take him away from me. This seems like a flaw in the system.

It started when I went back to work. Or started getting bad. That was over 2 months ago. It finally exploded in the last few weeks, most likely with the added stress factors. My doctor says everyone gets a case of the baby blues every now and then, but sometimes it just doesn't go away. Like in my case, I guess.

I started noticing that something was wrong when the nightmares started. I won't describe them to you, but they were BAD. I would wake up hysterical and refuse to touch Isaac out of fear until I could dissociate myself from the nightmare. I would put him in the bassinet and go sleep on the couch.

Then came the rapid mood swings. I mean RAPID, like split second. There were sessions of mass hysteria and hardcore crying. I felt overwhelmed, like a bad mother, and like a failure in every aspect of my life. I started to realize that this wasn't me and something was definately wrong, very much so. I didn't want to be this person.

When I went in for my annual appointment with my Dr. my blood pressure was high, way high. I believe he used the words "stroke out." And my weight loss is too rapid, losing too much, too fast. These two factors led to the PPD conversation, and I finally spilled my guts. I have to go in for a stress test because I am doing too much. I have to cut something, somehow. And then I have to go for counseling, most likely, and talk about medication. Yep, happy pills and anti-anxiety meds. He also used words like "nervous breakdown" and "hospitalization." It is definately time to get some help. How did this get to be my life?

Sigh. This all came to a head before I left for Ohio. I thought once I got back, most of the problem would be gone. Nope. One day I will truly learn that ignoring things does not make them go away. Funnily enough, scheduling and taking the stress test was stressing me out. Seriously, when do I have time to do that. Aahhh...there's the problem. I need to make time. And I need to make time now.

The Dr. also talked to me about more disability and said that it could be Ok'ed and that he strongly recommended it in a forceful yet friendly way. And when I do (not if, I guess), Isaac needs to stay at daycare and I need to rest. NO EXCEPTIONS. That will be hard. I always want my baby with me if I am home. But I don't want to have to keep calling my husband and having him come get the baby because I can't handle it and can't be around him. I HATE THAT. It isn't me. It just isn't.

Sigh again. I hate this. I really do. It's time to make it go away.



7 comments:

Stacie said...

I didn't experience any of that myself, but my heart goes out to you. Your poor thing. I am so sorry that you are going through PPD.

I do think that you are very brave and smart for seeking help and listening to your body/mind when it/they told you something is clearly wrong.

I hope the medication and couseling help you. Are you going to take the extended leave?

mommaruth said...

You're doing the right thing for your son by seeking treatment and help; no matter how much you feel like a failure and no matter how much you feel like he'll resent you as a parent, you have to do what's best for your family. And believe me, he won't resent you at all - if babies could talk, surely they would tell us to just do whatever it takes to be happy. Good luck, momma. Keep us posted!

uncomplicateme said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I'm so proud of you for talking about it and "throwing it out there". Please let me know if there's anything I can do to help. I know it's probably not much help being all via the Internet and stuff. :) You'll absolutely be in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs*

Grady Chronicles said...

Very brave. I really feel for you- my ups and downs have been pretty blatant as well. It's so weird that something that really makes you so happy and that you wouldn't trade for anything in the world can also make you so sad, anxious, scared and unsure.

Nanette said...

I'm so sorry you're having to endure all that. I'm happy to hear you're getting the help you need, tho.

Andrea said...

*HUG* I'm always here to listen if you want to talk. I'll be thinking and praying for you!

SN said...

i agree. i am so happy that you've chosen to write about it and share it with your readers. it's nice to have an outlet and support! I feel for you, and I'm glad you're getting help and i bet you'll be feeling normal before you even know it!