Monday, May 11, 2009

The Longest Day

The first time one of my friends had a baby, she said something to me that I will never forget. I was wearing my wedding dress and holding her newborn, and she told me that she was tired. She said "I am so tired, Sara. And thought I was tired before I had a baby....I was wrong. I didn't know tired."

Oh. My. God. I know exactly what she meant. I have never been so happy to get 4 consecutive hours of sleep. I never thought I would like that sleeping until 7 was sleeping in. I thought the bags under my eyes were bad...until know. I miss those old bags. I want to trade these dark, large, too heavy to take on the airline without paying the extra baggage fee for those bags.

Today was a rought day. As much as I tried to turn my head during a cough or a sneeze while breastfeeding, or to breathe away from his adorable little face, Isaac has finally caught whatever it is that I have. The coughing started last night. I can tell when he doesn't feel good, because he gets all cuddly. And he was very, very, VERY cuddly.

So how do you help a baby who has a sore throat and only wants to nurse because the milk feels good on his throat but then he eats too much and pukes it up and that upsets him so he starts screaming which makes his throat hurt more? He doesn't understand. I just had to cuddle him. It was a long night.

I left him with Ben today, but had to come home twice to feed him because the bottle wasn't happening and we had to keep the screams at bay. Work was busy. I had planned to go to a meeting tonight, but I had to calm a fussy sick baby and then go back to the office. We hooked up my laptop so I can access my work computer from home, but I didn't want to do that tonight. It is impossible to get anything done with a sick baby.

Even as I sit here in bed, my mind is running through all the things that I should get done. That don't have to be done because they aren't a priority, but I still am going to obsess over them. Things that no one cares about but me. Things that no one will notice have gone incomplete, except for me. Things that have been on my to-do list for weeks, months...but never get crossed off. And they probably never will.

I swear I need need like another 20 hours in the day just so I can have peace of mind. I just need to learn to relax. I can't enjoy my job if I am constantly thinking about what needs to be done at home. I can't relax at home if I can't accomplish what I need to at work. Another viscious cycle. The days feel neverending but go by too fast.

This same friend is a smart girl. I respect her in alot of ways, and I really value her friendship. She is also the one that told me when I got married, everything changes. And she couldn't explain how, just that it would. And she was right.

I shared these musings with her when I saw her last, telling her how tired I was. Her response? She smiled and said "Wait until you have two..."

1 comment:

Stacie said...

I used to be the same way about work too. Always obsessing over things that were incomplete. Until I had Laney then returned to work. I have learned that Laney's my 1st priority and sometimes my work will have to wait.

You will find your balance. Allow yourself time to do so.

I hope you get some rest soon and that both you and Isaac feel better!