Wednesday, May 20, 2009

It really doesn't matter, when you look at me that way...

This morning I had an extremely hard time leaving Isaac. We had our normal morning routine, but after he got done eating he snuggled up against me and buried his face in my shoulder. We sat there on the couch and cuddled for as long as we could before I had to get everything and everyone ready to go out the door. He whimpered a bit when I put him down in the boppy. He did the same snuggly thing when I picked up to go into the car seat. Once fastened into the seat, I got a look that seemed to say "Why can't I just stay with you today, Mommy? Where are you going that I can't come?"

And it broke my heart.

The morning continued, but as I got into my car at Miss K's, I felt the tears well up. I cried so hard that I had to stop at home to fix my makeup before coming to work.

I have been back to work for almost 3 weeks now. The guilt seemed to set in this morning I guess. It just seemed like I was in the wrong place today. As I drove to work, all I kept hearing in my head was "Whose dream are you making come true today? Is it yours? Or someone else's?"

I love my job (yes, I really do. I am not just saying that in case a coworker drops on by my blog). And deep down I know that the reality of it all is that in order to get where I want our family to be, settled into a house that we own, closer to family, etc., I have to work now. I love my job...but I love my baby more.

I don't know why I am feeling this way right now. I was fine with going back to work, and I was looking forward to it. Today...today, I am not. Today I am angry at my situation and want to change it. Today, I want to floor it all the way to daycare, scoop up my baby boy and retreat back into our bubble where it was just me and him. I am mad that my milk is going into a bottle instead of into his mouth. I am upset that when he cries, it isn't mommy who holds him tight.

I know we will be ok. I know that I am just becoming burnt out and frustrated, and tired. And I know that I feel guilty for crawling into bed early last night, and not spending more time with Isaac these past two nights.

So here I sit, in front of a computer, working on an RFQ, wondering what my dream really is and if it even matters as much as never having to see that look on my child's face again.

4 comments:

Stacie said...

I returned to work when Laney was 4 1/2 months old. It was so hard to be away from her. Doesn't it feel like the most UNnatural thing ever to leave your baby?!

I pumped while at work for 3 1/2 more months. Then, my milk dried up.

I'm sorry that you're having a particulary difficult time today with having to had leave Isaac.

I honestly wish I could say that it gets easier. In some aspects it will, others - not so much.

I am very much attached and bonded with Laney, so any time away from her is hard [even when she's asleep].

Just enjoy every single second you have with Isaac, as I'm sure you already do. The first year goes by way too fast.

Pink-CJ said...

AMEN to that. I feel ya! Hang in there!

alison said...

I so hear you. I'm (borderline) excited to return to work, and yesterday was great. But I think it'll hit me in a few weeks how much it sucks...

Grady Chronicles said...

I am welling up reading your post. I seriously have cried every morning. It is painstaking to know that I cannot be the mom I want to be and work full time.