Time goes really really fast.
I mean, duh, right?
But seriously, it goes really fast.
And I feel like ever since Isaac was born, it has upped it's speed of passing several thousand notches. There is never enough time anymore. I need about 10 more hours in my day.
I used to be hyper-organized and motivated. And now I am just...not. It's not that I don't try to be. It's like something gets lost in translation between me and my mind. I have millions of things that I need to do, and technically have time to do, I just can't focus.
It's wasting time. Seriously wasting time. Time that is flying by. Time that I don't have to waste.
It's sloppy. And I hate it.
I have always been an advocate for changing what you are not happy with in your life (Ok, not always, I had a few blips...but that's another story). I don't feeling like I don't have any control over my life. I don't like that most days I have zero motivation. It tells me something is drastically wrong.
I am not happy with the way things are going. I know there are some things I can't change and don't have control of at this point. I am trying to learn to relax and just not harp on some things. Like when something goes awry and I have to have it fixed RIGHT NOW and I can't focus on anything else until it's taken care of. This usually happens on a Friday evening and involves parties that cannot be reached until Monday.
I can't blame PPD for everything. It's only part of the problem. And I refuse to be defined by it. It doesn't change who I am.
I used to be really good at balancing. I color-coded my planner. I was a wiz at time management. I mean, I could teach 2 bio labs, do my thesis research, take my own classes, work almost full time, plan my wedding, and maintain my apartment and relationships.
I can't do that anymore. I have cobwebs in my kitchen that have their own cobwebs. I have clothes in bags that haven't been touched since they were purchased. I haven't talked to some of my friends in what feels like centuries.
My brain goes in 50 million directions at once. I am not sure if it is sleep deprivation on top of PPD on top of something else on top of something else. For example, while pumping I was thinking about the proposal that needs to go out next week, what I need to do for Mary Kay, what I can make for dinner, that I still have to order Isaac's photo prints, all while trying to catch up on blogs (on my blackberry) and singing a song in my head that has been stuck there all day.
I want my motivation back. I don't want to be wasting time, letting precious moments slip by untouched. They could be spent doing things way more constructive, relaxing, or with my baby. They could be filled with a million things that they are not.
I often change my mind on which direction I want my life to go, who I want to be. It changes as my life changes. It changes to accomodate new things.
I have some ideas on what I want next.
No more wasted time.