Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Phantom

Right after Isaac was born, I would often feel the "phantom" kicks and hiccups in my belly. When he would curl up on my chest, I just knew that is what he looked like when he was en utero.

I haven't felt them in a while. Then the other day, I did. Maybe it was just gas bubbles or something, but I was instantly transported back to the days when I had a big baby belly. And I felt some pangs of sadness.

Isaac came three weeks early. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely glad he came early, cause I was getting mighty uncomfy.

But I kind of wanted those three weeks. He came so suddenly, I didn't really have a chance to prepare. I was planning on doing a lot of things over those three weeks. And I really wanted the time to mentally prepare and rest up. I wanted to close out my pregnancy. Does that make sense? I was ready for him, but I wasn't. I just really wanted those three weeks and for some reason it really gets to me that I didn't.

I loved being pregnant. I loved having my baby as a part of me, completely and 100% dependent on me and let's face it, completely and 100% mine at that time (possession is 9/10 of the law right? :) ). I loved being able to feel him and I used to dream about what my boy would look like. I loved feeling him move in me.

I don't know why it makes me sad and I don't know why it bothers me so much. Is it possible that I am having these bouts of PPD because of Isaac came early?

4 comments:

Grady Chronicles said...

That is an interesting thought. I wonder if there is a correlation.

"The Life We Live" said...

ahhh it sounds like you are having the 2nd baby syndrome, where you start to miss being pregnant or holding a newborn. A few of my girlfriends went through that around the time that their first was about 1 year...sooner or later you might start thinking about bringing another one into this world! :) I totally know what you mean though, I love being pregnant and I know I will miss it too.

anymommy said...

I don't know about PPD, it's something to ask your doctor about if you feel really sad. But...I have felt exactly like this after each of my pregnancies. No PPD, just end of pregnancy sadness. I love being pregnant, miss the feelings you describe so much...and I've done it three times. After my second, there was a period of time when he was about three months that I would cry when someone announced a pregnancy. (Privately). I think it was because I thought we might be done and I would miss the pregnancy time so much. Then, we had a third. This time around I still get pangs of sadness, (he's ten weeks), but I have a lot more perspective and I know I can live with being done and moving on.

So, yeah, all that book to say I get it and I think The Life We Live might be right...maybe your starting to consider a second?

PrincessJenn said...

I had the same thing. Those phantom kicks can be disconcerting. V came 4 weeks early and I was totally unprepared for her. I was so sure she was going to be late. I know I had PPD, but absolutely refused to deal with it. I really regret that now, because I made things more difficult on myself than they needed to be.

But I think 'The Life We Live' is right. It could be 'lets make another baby' pangs. The timing is about right ;-)