Right after Isaac was born, I would often feel the "phantom" kicks and hiccups in my belly. When he would curl up on my chest, I just knew that is what he looked like when he was en utero.
I haven't felt them in a while. Then the other day, I did. Maybe it was just gas bubbles or something, but I was instantly transported back to the days when I had a big baby belly. And I felt some pangs of sadness.
Isaac came three weeks early. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely glad he came early, cause I was getting mighty uncomfy.
But I kind of wanted those three weeks. He came so suddenly, I didn't really have a chance to prepare. I was planning on doing a lot of things over those three weeks. And I really wanted the time to mentally prepare and rest up. I wanted to close out my pregnancy. Does that make sense? I was ready for him, but I wasn't. I just really wanted those three weeks and for some reason it really gets to me that I didn't.
I loved being pregnant. I loved having my baby as a part of me, completely and 100% dependent on me and let's face it, completely and 100% mine at that time (possession is 9/10 of the law right? :) ). I loved being able to feel him and I used to dream about what my boy would look like. I loved feeling him move in me.
I don't know why it makes me sad and I don't know why it bothers me so much. Is it possible that I am having these bouts of PPD because of Isaac came early?