Some days I wake up and I feel a renewed sense of optimism. I am happy and feel like I will be able to take on the challenges that the day will bring.
And then there are days, like yesterday, that I want to crawl back under the covers and pretend like I don't hear the baby screaming for his mommy, like I don't have a job or any other obligation. I don't have the motivation to do JACK and I get out of bed with tears in my eyes that I have to handle a day like this.
I have alot of goals, both personal and for my family. Feeling this way really makes me feel like I am delaying these goals by an inevitable amount of time. I know there are setbacks in life for everyone, not just me. Everyone has their own sets of issues and problems that they deal with on a day to day basis. Everyone's life is filled with highs and lows, and everyone deals with their own struggles. Believe me, I know my husband and I had our own set of these before we even found out about our little man growing in my belly.
Struggles take on a whole new life now. Everything looks different, and my goals seem so far off. Even when I am in a great mood and feel optimistic, I feel like there is this looming storm hanging around in the background, just waiting to pour down. It sucks because I have always tried to be upbeat and stay positive.
We have come to a point in our lives where the decisions we make don't just affect my husband and me, but also our son. And it trickles from there, touching the rest of our family somehow. It is hard to make a decision in those circumstances anyway, and now with this PPD shadow, we are not trying to make any decisions, just trying to get everyone through it in one piece.
I say in one piece, because believe me...I think last night when I flipped out, my head actually spun around on my neck. I went from 0 to PISSED OFF GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT RIGHT NOW OR YOU WILL LOSE AN ARM OR YOUR LIFE in less than a second.
So now when I am daydreaming about what the future holds for me and Ben and Isaac, the picture has changed a little. I still see the house we want to buy. I still see us moving closer to our familiy. I still see us paying off our debt and taking our anniversary trip to Hawaii. I still see our family vacations and evenutally Isaac's siblings. But in these daydreams, I am not the raving lunatic that I feel like inside. I am not the mommy who is crying all the time for no apparent reason. My daydreams all involve a happy, healthy family and I believe with all my heart that we will get to that place. It won't be this way forever, I just have to hold on to that. Then I don't feel like such a failure. It's a daydream that I believe. Yep, Cheer up Sleepy Jean.
I called my Doctor this morning and he is having me take my BP for a week or so. Thankfully the Ri.te A.id is just across the street from my office. The nurses are contacting my Health insurance to find covered therapists, if we decide to go that route. It's getting kind of scary, but relieving at the same time. I guess a part of me just still believes that one morning I will wake up and everything will be all sunshine again. (Sidenote: I also called the Dr. because my eyelashes are falling out. No joke. I rub my eye and about 20 fall out.)
UPDATE: remember when I talked about the 529? I finally heard back from our financial advisor, the new one nto the tardo from our old bank. A 529 is taken into consideration when a child applies for federal aid.