So babies....yeah, they are HARD WORK. Rewarding work, mind you, and I wouldn't trade being Isaac's Mommy for anything. I love being a mother to my baby boy.
But it takes its toll on me. I haven't slept in what feels like DECADES (even though I have really only been alive for 2, going on 3). My personal appearance upkeep has gone to poo. I have very few clothes that fit right (because breastfeeding changes my body every 5 minutes, I think) or that do not smell like baby slobber and/or vomit. And I am ok with that. I mean, what's the point in buying new clothes so frequently when they are just going to get ruined in a few days? Especially now that I am rolling around with my littl guy, since he is THIS CLOSE to mobility on all fours. I don't have more than about 5 minutes to myself on any given day. Each moment is filled with stuff that has to be done. Like going to the potty or washing bottles. I have cut back on what I do, I SWEAR. I don't make and freeze dinners anymore (this is another topic for a later time...I have many thoughts on this). Laundry gets washed and dried but then sits in the baskets, unfolded and un-put away. This morning I literally got Isaac's outfit and bibs out of the laundry basket which was previously known as his bassinet. That is what the weekends are for...laundry. Dammit. I pay bills, I take care of my family, I work, I stock the fridge (Safe.way, GOD BLESS YOU FOR GIVING ME 60 DAYS OF FREE DELIVERY ON MY GROCERIES!), I make sure we are all able to be clean and fed, I take my best shot at making sure the house is not coated in a layer of pure disgusting filth and growing things, and then...the day is over. I attempt sleep for as long as Isaac lets me. And the cycle begins again.
I am stressed to high heavens most days and I can feel my BP rising throughout the day. I don't TRY to do this. I try anything and everything to relax myself, but you know, the other day I cried for like 2 hours at work (don't worry, I was by myself) and I couldn't stop.
In attempt to relieve my PPD state, I have been scheduling more "Me" time. Call me a bad mother, or whatever you want, but this involves time away from my baby. He goes to daycare. And yes, I feel WRETCHED for having to take him there in order to steal a few hours of sleep, or get my hair cut, or go to the DM.V. But it is what it is. I miss him, but I feel more like a person, more like a sane person, when I see him again. I don't feel all chaotic and twirly.
This past Tuesday saw the beginning of "Girls' Day." I met friends K and G in SF for some good ol' fashioned girly talk, shopping, and a chic flick. I am not ashamed to say that we consumed 2 bottles of Prosecco at the delectable lunching destination of Puc.cini and Pin.etti. It was an afternoon of good drinks and food, good convo, and a good movie (The Ti.me Trav.eler's Wi.fe) that raced by way to quickly and before I knew it, I was in the car on my way home.
I needed Tuesday so badly, I can't even tell you how much.
Sure, things are way different. For example, I learned just how glamorous my life has become as I pumped in the backseat of my car parked in a garage that smelled like pee on Mi.ss.ion. Yep, pumping never stops, folks.
I listened with envy to conversations about indulgent purchases and trips of my friends. I don't begrudge them...I just miss it sometimes.
I watched in vain as they purchased at Edi.tion (the new BR accessories store. OMG, thank goodness I live close to SF where the only one is!) and began to come up with a plan to afford the charm necklace and little blue hat that I am dying to have. Seriously, diapers aren't cheap. And the little dude eats quite a bit now. All I purchased was some body spray so I could score my free undies and some clearance Gym.boree for Isaac because I had a coupon. I missed the old Sara, who would have purchased the stuff she wanted without a second thought because she and he husband bring home decent paychecks and learned how to manage their money. Unfortunately the new budget that was born the same time Isaac was doesn't include such items. I know my priorities and they revolve around the baby. His needs first, always.
As the day went on, I saw just how much life has changed. How different my life has become from their lives. How all I have to really take up is my beautiful baby and how amazing I think Rob.eez are and how to make a kick butt baby puree.
And I am ok with it.
I LOVE BEING ISAAC'S MOMMY. I love my baby. I know he needs me and I know he needs me to be healthy and happy.
And I love my friends for giving me back some sanity, and some release from the screaming in my head. I had such a fantabulous day, and can't wait for the next one.
This is my life, and as much as it drives me insane, I LOVE IT.