Throwing It Out There

This post is hard for me to write. I am an obvious type A personality with control issues, meaning I don't like to relinquish control of anything or ask for help. Relinquish is just a fancy word for lose. Or for that matter, even admit I need help with anything.

And before I go any further, I must say to my family and friends, especially my mother if she reads this and wonders why I didn't tell her, I am sorry. Again, see the reason above. In addition, I don't like to worry people. And in this case, I don't like to talk about it, but Dr. says I should.

I have post partum depression.

What?! No way, you say, I have talked to you and you seem fine and happy!!!

Yes, I do. Again, see above.

Before I say anything more, I am going to say this, and I can't stress it enough.

I WOULD NEVER, IN A MILLION TRILLION YEARS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, HURT MY BABY IN ANY WAY. ISAAC IS MY WORLD, AND I LOVE HIM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.

Another reason I didn't say anything at first to anyone other than my husband, I don't want anyone to think I would hurt him and take him away from me. This seems like a flaw in the system.

It started when I went back to work. Or started getting bad. That was over 2 months ago. It finally exploded in the last few weeks, most likely with the added stress factors. My doctor says everyone gets a case of the baby blues every now and then, but sometimes it just doesn't go away. Like in my case, I guess.

I started noticing that something was wrong when the nightmares started. I won't describe them to you, but they were BAD. I would wake up hysterical and refuse to touch Isaac out of fear until I could dissociate myself from the nightmare. I would put him in the bassinet and go sleep on the couch.

Then came the rapid mood swings. I mean RAPID, like split second. There were sessions of mass hysteria and hardcore crying. I felt overwhelmed, like a bad mother, and like a failure in every aspect of my life. I started to realize that this wasn't me and something was definately wrong, very much so. I didn't want to be this person.

When I went in for my annual appointment with my Dr. my blood pressure was high, way high. I believe he used the words "stroke out." And my weight loss is too rapid, losing too much, too fast. These two factors led to the PPD conversation, and I finally spilled my guts. I have to go in for a stress test because I am doing too much. I have to cut something, somehow. And then I have to go for counseling, most likely, and talk about medication. Yep, happy pills and anti-anxiety meds. He also used words like "nervous breakdown" and "hospitalization." It is definately time to get some help. How did this get to be my life?

Sigh. This all came to a head before I left for Ohio. I thought once I got back, most of the problem would be gone. Nope. One day I will truly learn that ignoring things does not make them go away. Funnily enough, scheduling and taking the stress test was stressing me out. Seriously, when do I have time to do that. Aahhh...there's the problem. I need to make time. And I need to make time now.

The Dr. also talked to me about more disability and said that it could be Ok'ed and that he strongly recommended it in a forceful yet friendly way. And when I do (not if, I guess), Isaac needs to stay at daycare and I need to rest. NO EXCEPTIONS. That will be hard. I always want my baby with me if I am home. But I don't want to have to keep calling my husband and having him come get the baby because I can't handle it and can't be around him. I HATE THAT. It isn't me. It just isn't.

Sigh again. I hate this. I really do. It's time to make it go away.