Isaac laughs when someone kisses his neck. I was the first person to know this because I was the first person to do it and see it happen. I know this because I am his mommy. He's my baby boy.
Ben and I say every night before I put him in his crib, how very much we love Isaac. Ben even says that he knew he would love him, and he knew it would be alot. But he had no idea how much and how strong that love would be. I love my son more than I could ever have fathomed would be possible.
That love changes you. It changed me in ways I can't even begin to explain. I run through so many emotions on a day to day basis, it makes my head hurt. This beautiful little boy, he deserves the best that life has to offer.
He doesn't know that his mommy is having a hard time. He doesn't understand that sometimes when he cries, he makes me want lock myself in my closet. I hate each negative feeling I have about being a mother, because it is the best job I could ever have. Isaac doesn't understand the ups and downs, but knows when his mommy is upset. And he gets upset. I hate making him upset.
I have yelled at him. I have cried to him. I have begged and pleaded with him. He stares at me with his beautiful baby eyes, and his little mouth turns downward. The guilt is instananeous. We both cry. And then we have to cuddle until we both feel better.
Sometimes daddy has to take him, because I can't. I can't look at him because I am too upset. I can't look at him because I feel like a freight train is roaring through my head. What kind of mother can't look at her own baby, who she loves so much it hurts? I know that I am not a bad mother. I know that things will get better. I hate that time is flying by, and that feeling this way takes away from each moment.
I am trying. I really am trying to make things better. But its scary. And for every step forward I take, I feel like there are 2 steps back. I keep thinking that one morning I will just wake up and everything will be better. That I won't feel sad or angry or like I have failed in every aspect possible. I will just be able to show the joy that I feel deep down that everyday when I wake up, I am Isaac's mommy.
I will do whatever it takes to get there.