Mommy Day

It's after 3:30 in the afternoon, and I haven't showered. I am still in my pjs.

This morning when I woke up, I felt like a truck had run me over, backed up, then run me over again. And the time that I woke up was 4:30. Isaac was ready to party. I held him off until 5, but then we were up. And I had a fever.

(Sidenote: Husbands: When your wife goes to bed way after you and is up all night with the baby, maybe it isn't the wisest move to bitch about the coffee not being set up and just take the 2 minutes to do it yourself. CUT THE SWEARING OUT. It doesn't help matters.)

So today became Mommy Day. Isaac went to Miss K's and I collapsed on the sofa. Then on my bed. And just woke up.

AND IT FELT DAMN GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD. :)

I felt really guilty as I loaded Isaac into his seat. He looked so happy in his pack and play, playing with his new favorite toy, a little red crab. He smiled at me and cooed. He babbled all the way to daycare. He didn't know that it was a different day and he wasn't supposed to be there. But I did. And it feels wierd to be in the house, alone, without him here with me. It's like I am cheating on him or something. I feel so guilty. And I had to reschedule his 6 month shots.

But at least I am well rested with no fever.

Isaac's Mommy

Isaac laughs when someone kisses his neck. I was the first person to know this because I was the first person to do it and see it happen. I know this because I am his mommy. He's my baby boy.

Ben and I say every night before I put him in his crib, how very much we love Isaac. Ben even says that he knew he would love him, and he knew it would be alot. But he had no idea how much and how strong that love would be. I love my son more than I could ever have fathomed would be possible.

That love changes you. It changed me in ways I can't even begin to explain. I run through so many emotions on a day to day basis, it makes my head hurt. This beautiful little boy, he deserves the best that life has to offer.

He doesn't know that his mommy is having a hard time. He doesn't understand that sometimes when he cries, he makes me want lock myself in my closet. I hate each negative feeling I have about being a mother, because it is the best job I could ever have. Isaac doesn't understand the ups and downs, but knows when his mommy is upset. And he gets upset. I hate making him upset.

I have yelled at him. I have cried to him. I have begged and pleaded with him. He stares at me with his beautiful baby eyes, and his little mouth turns downward. The guilt is instananeous. We both cry. And then we have to cuddle until we both feel better.

Sometimes daddy has to take him, because I can't. I can't look at him because I am too upset. I can't look at him because I feel like a freight train is roaring through my head. What kind of mother can't look at her own baby, who she loves so much it hurts? I know that I am not a bad mother. I know that things will get better. I hate that time is flying by, and that feeling this way takes away from each moment.

I am trying. I really am trying to make things better. But its scary. And for every step forward I take, I feel like there are 2 steps back. I keep thinking that one morning I will just wake up and everything will be better. That I won't feel sad or angry or like I have failed in every aspect possible. I will just be able to show the joy that I feel deep down that everyday when I wake up, I am Isaac's mommy.

I will do whatever it takes to get there.

Six

How on earth is it possible that Isaac hit 6 months yesterday?! Time is absolutely FLYING by. We took him to the zoo for the first time to celebrate, which warrants its own post to come soon.

The past month has been a big one for my little man. Still no pearly whites to speak of, but man, oh man, are they on their way! We got the clearance to give him motrin, but don't know how it works yet as a certain daddy squirted it all over his sleeper rather than in his pain-filled little mouth. I didn't want to give him more because I didn't know exactly how much actually got in his mouth. We also started the teething tablets (god send!).

He is trying desperately to pull himself into a sitting position. Thanks to our boppy, he is able to sit up pretty well on his own once he is put in that position. He rolls, rolls, ROLLS, but still not in a complete 360 degrees back to back or belly to belly.

Still loves the PP piano, especially now he can play it with his little hands. He loves it so much that I bought him a new little FP rainforest xylophone that he spins to make chimes. LOVES IT. He grabs at toys he likes, and has clear favorites now.

Due to his solid foods, he is becoming a little chunker. :) We have introduced green beans, carrots, avacado, golden beets, bananas, applesauce, sweet potatoes, squash, peas, and plums. He will drink water from time as well, and has moved to a schedule of three meals a day with snacks in between. The little chunker is still in 3-6 month clothes and I think we have about another month in them.

He is not sleeping through the night, but we have moved him back into the crib. He gets a little scared when he wakes up in the crib, and won't go back down in it after eating. This could partly be my fault since I don't wait very long after he falls asleep to put him in. I am trying, but it's hard. I am so tired, and I really love having him sleep with me. I love the cuddles.

My favorite first, by far, happened this Friday night. Ben was holding Isaac and I held out my arms to him....and he REACHED for me!!!! I was so happy, I cried. And then we did it about 4 times after that. The next night he did it again, and then yesterday morning reached for daddy. It gives me so much joy and validation that he wants to be with me. And I am so proud of him for learning this method of communicating what he wants.

And then there is bathtime....what to say but, we have a tsunami splasher on our hands. And he thinks it's hilarious! Ben and I both get drenched when we give him a bath. He's learned to splash with his hands and after we have gotten all clean, we will let him sit up and splash for a bit.

Six Months. Half a year. Wow.

Cradlesong

Everybody's got a different story

Everybody wanna give their selves away

But I'm still afraid

If we can stay out of their field of vision

If we can keep ourselves a half a world away

Ah honey, we'll be ok

The world can be so cruel

But I will sing to you

This cradlesong

Everybody's got their own opinion

Everybody's got a place where they belong

Like a favorite song

I don't want to be a faded memory

I don't want to be the ghost that you can't shake

I want be the real thing

The world can be so cruel

But I will sing for you

This cradle song

All night long

No one said we were victims, honey

No said we had to keep the things we get

And there ain't no regrets

All our friends, they moved to Hollywood

But we ain't that desperate yet, oh no

Ain't nothing like the real thing

The world can be so cruel

And let me sing for you

This cradlesong

All night long

We love our baby boy. And we love to cuddle with him. Some of our favorite moments of the day are when he lays his tired little head on our shoulders, sighs, and closes his eyes to fall into his deep slumber. He cuddles back. I know he won't do it forever, and if I could freeze time, I would freeze it during one of those moments. I would just hold my precious little man forever and keep him away from all the ugliness and cruelty out in the world.

Mommy the Bridesmaid

This past trip to Ohio was for a special mission: K's wedding, the 100000th that I was a bridesmaid in. :) (Ok, so it was more like the 8th, but still.) K is my roommate from College freshmen year, and one of the best friends I have. Her wedding was GORGEOUS.

I have to say, I was really stressed about the wedding and the entire trip. Seriously stressed. First, I agreed to be in the wedding before I even knew I was preggers. Travelling with a baby who is breastfeeding to a wedding that you are in. Nuff said.

Then there came the dress. No Da.vid's Bri.dal out here that is within 2 hours. Bastards. So I had to get my dress when I was home in April. Meaning it was ginormous by the time it arrived and I could actually have it altered to fit. I was like a green tarp. And then there was actually getting it tailored so it could become a nursing dress. Not an easy feat, and mass kudos to the miracle worker who made the tarp into a the marvelous looking dress it became.

This was also the first trip I took solo with Isaac. Hubs stayed home (not a fan of weddings). I left little man at daycare while I packed. I got hella stuff done. Then we flew overnight...1st CLASS! Yep, we opted for the upgrade.

It was so wonderful. The seats were more comfortable and roomy, awesome on an overnight flight. The man next to us was very patient, even when Isaac kicked over his Sco.tch all over his seat. Did you know that liqour is free in 1st class? Good to know, because you can drink back your money from the difference in price. Snacks too. :)

All in all, the wedding experience went smoothly. Isaac stayed on his CA time schedule, keeping him up until about 10 to 12. He loved dancing at the wedding. It was wonderful to see friends, and especially family. It is never enough time though, and it went very fast.

I have many pictures from the trip. These are just the wedding ones. :) Look at my little ladies' man. And he loved my necklace. Tried to rip it off me all night.

Throwing It Out There

This post is hard for me to write. I am an obvious type A personality with control issues, meaning I don't like to relinquish control of anything or ask for help. Relinquish is just a fancy word for lose. Or for that matter, even admit I need help with anything.

And before I go any further, I must say to my family and friends, especially my mother if she reads this and wonders why I didn't tell her, I am sorry. Again, see the reason above. In addition, I don't like to worry people. And in this case, I don't like to talk about it, but Dr. says I should.

I have post partum depression.

What?! No way, you say, I have talked to you and you seem fine and happy!!!

Yes, I do. Again, see above.

Before I say anything more, I am going to say this, and I can't stress it enough.

I WOULD NEVER, IN A MILLION TRILLION YEARS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, HURT MY BABY IN ANY WAY. ISAAC IS MY WORLD, AND I LOVE HIM WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.

Another reason I didn't say anything at first to anyone other than my husband, I don't want anyone to think I would hurt him and take him away from me. This seems like a flaw in the system.

It started when I went back to work. Or started getting bad. That was over 2 months ago. It finally exploded in the last few weeks, most likely with the added stress factors. My doctor says everyone gets a case of the baby blues every now and then, but sometimes it just doesn't go away. Like in my case, I guess.

I started noticing that something was wrong when the nightmares started. I won't describe them to you, but they were BAD. I would wake up hysterical and refuse to touch Isaac out of fear until I could dissociate myself from the nightmare. I would put him in the bassinet and go sleep on the couch.

Then came the rapid mood swings. I mean RAPID, like split second. There were sessions of mass hysteria and hardcore crying. I felt overwhelmed, like a bad mother, and like a failure in every aspect of my life. I started to realize that this wasn't me and something was definately wrong, very much so. I didn't want to be this person.

When I went in for my annual appointment with my Dr. my blood pressure was high, way high. I believe he used the words "stroke out." And my weight loss is too rapid, losing too much, too fast. These two factors led to the PPD conversation, and I finally spilled my guts. I have to go in for a stress test because I am doing too much. I have to cut something, somehow. And then I have to go for counseling, most likely, and talk about medication. Yep, happy pills and anti-anxiety meds. He also used words like "nervous breakdown" and "hospitalization." It is definately time to get some help. How did this get to be my life?

Sigh. This all came to a head before I left for Ohio. I thought once I got back, most of the problem would be gone. Nope. One day I will truly learn that ignoring things does not make them go away. Funnily enough, scheduling and taking the stress test was stressing me out. Seriously, when do I have time to do that. Aahhh...there's the problem. I need to make time. And I need to make time now.

The Dr. also talked to me about more disability and said that it could be Ok'ed and that he strongly recommended it in a forceful yet friendly way. And when I do (not if, I guess), Isaac needs to stay at daycare and I need to rest. NO EXCEPTIONS. That will be hard. I always want my baby with me if I am home. But I don't want to have to keep calling my husband and having him come get the baby because I can't handle it and can't be around him. I HATE THAT. It isn't me. It just isn't.

Sigh again. I hate this. I really do. It's time to make it go away.

Isaac In the Pool

This holiday weekend was big for my little man! Check him out in his swimmie raft in Friend A's pool! :)

He was a little skeptical at first, but her pool is nice and warm. He was a little too small for the raft, so I had to hold him. Not that I wouldn't anyway, but still. He LOVED it. He kicked his little legs and was shrieking in delight. We had to get out when he started to lick his raft. Bad chlorine.

And he LOVED the fireworks we watched at BIL's house in So.noma. :) He slept through the first half...swimming and partying tires him out. He woke up and was so excited and just stared. Then he'd look over at Daddy and smile, kick his feet, and then watch again.

I love all these firsts. Each one is such a blessing. I love learning what my baby likes and dislikes.

Busy week for us. We are getting ready to head to Oh.io for K's wedding. I have so much to do its insane.

I know this seems a little stupid, but I am worried about Isaac eating jar food. :( We have been making all ours (not the cereal...I am not that dedicated), and I don't know if the taste or consistency will throw him off. I spent a good chunk of time looking at the different kinds in the store yesterday, and to my dismay, I don't think that the kind I am most drawn to is carried in Oh.io, land of the limited organic. We have done green beans, carrots, and golden beets. Sigh. I know I am just being hyper but I can't help it. I am trying to pack light, and I don't know how well the baby food will travel, or how much he will need. He eats between 3-4 ounces a day of his veggies, plus about 4-5 of cereal. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Again, sigh.

And fyi: 9 days left for My Mary Kay for Maddie! :)

Love the Skin You're In

Pregnancy changes your body.

Duh, right? I know it does. Or I should say as soon as I saw that second line appear on the POAS test, I knew my body was going to change.

What I did not know was HOW it was going to change. And a commercial advertising a test group for getting rid of stretch marks really made me stop to think about just how much my body had gone through.

Sure, you know about the big belly and hear about the stretch marks. Ah, the stretch marks. One of the things I was vainfully concerned about throughout my pregnancy was the dreaded stretch marks and I worked so hard to keep them away. Seriously, I slathered the cocoa butter on three times a day and took a bath in baby oil every few days. And it worked....until the last few weeks. All of a sudden, I just stopped. I don't know why...coulda been fatigue, forgetfullness...who knows. But one day I woke up looking like the cat had attacked my belly. Red lines EVERYWHERE.

And the stretch marks didn't stop there. Oh no, they graced me with their presence on the back of my knees (which I didn't, of course, discover until after my delivery when I could see my knees again). The most recent appearance is on my boobs from them being engorged milk factories.

And that is not all that has changed. I had extreme breakouts right after I delivered, and just before as well. My hormones were going nutso. It's better now that I have my BFF, the IUD, but the breakouts I get are much different than those of yesteryears.

My body shape is different...again, Duh. I am well below my pre-preggo weight. My waistline is thinner than I have seen it in forever. Since I delivered in January, I have dropped about 50 pounds. 50. Before you smack me, hear this: My pre-preggo jeans still don't fit me. The weight came off from random places, and I still have some around my middle. My shape is totally different.

And at the risk of giving TMI....I had never ever had hemmroids or UTIs before I was preggo.

But I am NOT complaining. And I say this next sentence with 100% sincerity.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE MY BODY NOW.

Seriously. LOOOOOVE it. I have never been so happy with it. And not because of the way it looks, but because of what the way it looks means.

Do I care if I am losing weight? Yes, but more so that I am losing too much and my milk will go to poo.

Do I want the stretch marks to go away? Who wouldn't? But I don't mind them.

Everytime I look in the mirror and seen the circular pattern of fading red lines that I refer to as "the dreamcatcher," or try those jeans on again a few days later....I see something I never knew was there.

I love my body because it was able to conceive a baby. It was able to safely grow and nourish that baby for 37 weeks with little to no complications. It was able to deliver me a beautiful healthly son. And it is able to feed that son what he needs when he needs it.

And everytime I see the stretch marks, I don't look at them as a reminder of what my body won't ever be again or isn't anymore.

I see them as a reminder of what I can do, and I am finally comfortable in my own skin.