Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Not Quite Ready

We recently noticed Isaac's bassinet is becoming smaller and smaller in sleeping area. And when I say noticed, I mean he hits the sides with his legs and arms while stretching out in his sleep, causing banging and clanging of the said furniture. I think it wakes him up sometimes. So begins the discussion of the crib...

Or rather, so begins the separation anxiety for Mommy.

I told myself and all interested parties inquiring about this impending transition that it would take place when a certain baby slept through the night or starting rolling over. The rolling happened on Friday. Feeling amazingly proud of his accomplishment, I also felt the pit drop in my stomach. I begged my husband for one more night with my baby boy next to me. And then...he slept through the night. I didn't even get to pull him in bed with me to eat his midnight snack. Sigh. He hit both conditions in one day. I really had no excuse now.

So Saturday night rolled around. The crib tent was assembled and Guiliani was already climbing all over it trying to figure out how to get through it into his napping place. The baby monitors were charged and remounted. The mobile and Oc.ean Won.ders Aq.uarium were fully loaded with new batteries and their remotes hanging in place on the door knob. Mr. Sea.horse had made the journey from bassinet and was happily nestled in the crib. And then it was time...Isaac ate his cereal bottle and cuddle with Mommy until he drifted off.

I held him an extra long time, avoiding the walk down the hallway to the end where I would turn right to Isaac's room instead of left into mine. I finally bit the bullet and set him down. The tent wasn't even zipped before the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I stood there and watching my little pumpkin face sleep peacefully, stretched out on his new mattress and freshly washed sheets. I cried.

Then I laid on the couch and cried. When I stopped I moved into my bedroom to read before bedtime. I saw the bassinet pushed against the wall, where it sits during the day, and not right up against my bed. And I cried again. Finally, I fell asleep with the monitor turned up to max volume. He woke up around his normal feeding time and somehow he didn't make it back into the crib...or the bassinet. He stayed nestled next to Mommy. He kicked me to let me know he was uncomfy, and I was instantly taken back to the kicks I used to feel when he was uncomfy in my belly during my pregnancy. He wanted more space to sleep and stretch out. I cried again.

He was ready....I was not.

I am still not. I don't want to let go. I want my baby with me at night. I don't get him during the day all time anymore. Why can't I keep the nights?


Stacie said...

It took me almost 11 months to get Laney into a crib because of the attachment. It was hard to bite the bullet and just do it.

It certainly didn't happen over night once I bit the bullet either. There were many baby steps for the transition.

I totally understand how difficult this is. I struggled emotionally as well. It will get easier, over time, I promise.

Allow yourself the time it takes. Isaac is only a baby one time.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry sweetie. I had to wrestle with the notion of B being in his own room before he was born - and decided to put him in his crib from when we brought him home from the hospital, it was simply the best choice for our family. My heart hurts for what you're going through. :( I know what its like to love someone so much it physically causes your heart to ache sometimes. I just know it will get better. And if you have to bring him to bed with you every now and then, that's ok too.

And if nothing else, I'm sure he'll want to bring his mom with him when he goes to college. ;o)

The Grady Chronicles said...

Boy am I dragging my feet on this one. It's just another blatant reminder of how fast my little baby is growing up. For me, it is exciting, but also SO depressing!!!