Thursday, May 20, 2010

Paranoia

I am a paranoid person. Not about everything, but there are somethings that I am really really REALLY freaked out about happening to me or my family. Just thinking about them makes me sweaty and I can feel my blood pressure and anxiety levels rise.

Awhile ago I had a dream that someone was trying to take my baby. I spent the whole dream running away from them. I haven't been able to shake it. Do I think someone is going to take Isaac? God, I hope not. Do I feel like he is unsafe at daycare? No. Do I stand a little bit closer to him in the park and such? Yep. When I see a car like the one in my dream, does my pulse pick up a bit? Yep.

But that really isn't what this post is about, the dream I had. It's about my paranoia. I know exactly where it comes from. But I don't know how to make it go away.

When I was 15 years old, my birth father committed suicide. I won't hash the details here because I have talked about it before. But yeah, it sucked. After that, I really wasn't too paranoid. Then when I was 20, one of my best friends who I kinda not really dated for like a month told me that he couldn't live without me and killed himself. And that REALLY sucked.

And that....yeah, I think the paranoia comes from that.

Actually, I know it does. That was the kicker.

I am not paranoid that everyone I know is going to commit suicide.

But I am terrified of losing people. I hate that feeling when someone you care about is gone from your life. I know, no one likes it. But that's my paranoia. When my husband doesn't answer his phone, sometimes my mind goes to dark places. I would say 7 times out of 10 I realize that he is busy. If he is out of town, I realize that he is most likely drunk (Sorry, but true story) or asleep. The other 3 times, I am convinced he is dead and or missing and I call again and again and again. He knows that when that happens, I am freaking out and he picks up and says "I'm fine, I'm busy." (When I was preggers, he answered almost everytime I called just because I made him. Seriously, I could have been in labor. Or needed chili cheese fries or a sundae).

And because of that, this kidnapping dream has me freaked about losing Isaac. I go in his room a few more times a night to check on him. When I hear a loud bump in his room, I go in there, still realizing that it was him rolling over and hitting the wall, but still to check. My baby means everything to me.

I know it is normal for parents to worry about their children. And I can't think of one parent who wouldn't be absolutely devastated if soemthign happened to their kids. Worry is normal. It's healthy. Apprecriation for what you have, also healthy.

What I have....not so healthy. I have more than the normal level of worry.

How do I fix it? I don't want it to get worse. I don't want to be that crazy mom who won't let her son do anything because she is terrified of losing him somehow.

2 comments:

Grady Chronicles said...

I have an obsession with hearing Tommy breathe over the monitor. If I can't hear him I turn it up all the way and if I still can't hear him I go into his room and listen. Sometimes I even have to put my hand on his back to feel him breathing. It is insane. I also panic about someone going into his room at night and taking him. I don't know where that anxiety comes from.

Open Roads Mama said...

I hear ya! I have the same paranoia, I tell u, I just need to know my loved ones are safe and sound...