Do you remember the episode of "Fri'ends" in which Rachel has just brought Emma home from the hospital and is watching her sleep with Phoebe and Monica? She says "I can't believe how much I love her. Like right now, I miss her. I actually miss her." Phoebe says "You know that's her, right?" Then Rachel picks her up and Emma proceeds to scream and cry for the rest of the episode.
Before Isaac was born, I was Phoebe. I didn't get it. I knew parents loved their babies, but I just did really GET it. And now....now, I am Rachel.
Yes, there are times and have been times that my baby is right next to me, but I miss him. I miss holding him, cuddling him, talking to him, kissing him, playing with him. He's right there. But I miss him.
Last night after Isaac went to sleep, I went in to tuck him in and make sure he was cozy and warm. After his was snug under his blanket, I just stood there, staring at him. And man, oh man, did I miss that kid. I was absolutely aching to pick him up and hold him.
I am not going to lie. Sometimes I do pick him up. I wait until he is in a deep sleep and then I pick him up, and we go to the recliner and cuddle in the light of the TV screen. I learned the hard way to at least wait until he is truly out before picking him up. 9 times out of 10, I let him sleep. I know how important his sleep routine is, and I don't want to even risk waking him up.
But sometimes I just miss him too much.