Thursday, October 28, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 3

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

I put the phone down.

I had it in my hand about 20 times that day. I stared at the keypad so many times. I dialed part of the number, the whole number sometimes, but I hung it up before it rang or before someone answered. I put it down because I knew he was mad, I knew he was upset and I didn't know what to say. I knew I couldn't say what he wanted to hear. I put it down because I was scared of the conversation and of hurting him more than I already had. And I put it down because frankly, I was tired of dealing with the situation. Period.

I put the phone down.

And the next day he was gone forever.

Would a phone call have saved him, stopped him? I don't know. But there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about the what-ifs. There hasn't been a time that I have thought about it, really thought about it that hasn't felt like a sucker punch, that same feeling I had that time. There hasn't been a time that day didn't haunt me.

I don't know what I would have said. But I know that I would give anything to go back to that day and say something.

I put the phone down, and I am mad at myself for not making that call. No matter what the outcome. I should have made the call.

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