Tuesday, October 12, 2010

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

I got the idea to do this from Issa. It's 30 days of honest posts, revealing truths about yourself. I won't be doing all of them in a row, but will do all 30. I think it's a great exercise.

So Day 1 is something you hate about yourself.

Hate is a strong word, you know? I can't say there is anything that I really HATE about myself, but there are things that I dislike, quite strongly in fact.

I think the thing about myself that I dislike the most is that I always have to be in control.

To me, being in control of my life and everything that is in it (Read: EVERYONE) means that I will always know what is going to happen. I will know the outcome. Yes, I know that is not true. I know that things will inevitably happen outside of my control. That's what makes life what it is: Life. It makes it unique. But I hate that. I feel like when I don't have control over things, it means I don't know how things will play out. And that they could play out badly. That I, or someone that I love, could get hurt. That I could lose something. I have to be in control. I just do.

I feel like this holds me back. It holds my family back. It prevents spontaneity. And it makes me insane when things happen outside my control.

It's something I am working on, something that I want to change about myself. I want to be able to relish the moment and not worry about what may happen. I don't want to spend my life in a state of worry about how to prevent myself from not being in control. I don't want to live like that. I want to be able to put trust in other people to carry out tasks that I could do without the responsibility. Little things, big things. It doesn't matter. I have to be in control. I have to be in the know, and I have to have some control. Or I become all chaotic and twirly. My husband is very patient with me, since he gets most of my control issues. He is more patient than I would be. Ooohh, patience. I lack that. That would have been a good one to write about too.

Deep down, I know that I can't control everything. I know that's impossible. But too much has happened that I haven't been able to control. And to me, if I have some control, some power over my life, maybe when those things happen, they won't destroy me again.

1 comment:

andrea said...

i have a similar control problem... hopefully we can both be more spontaneous in the future.