Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I put the phone down.
I had it in my hand about 20 times that day. I stared at the keypad so many times. I dialed part of the number, the whole number sometimes, but I hung it up before it rang or before someone answered. I put it down because I knew he was mad, I knew he was upset and I didn't know what to say. I knew I couldn't say what he wanted to hear. I put it down because I was scared of the conversation and of hurting him more than I already had. And I put it down because frankly, I was tired of dealing with the situation. Period.
I put the phone down.
And the next day he was gone forever.
Would a phone call have saved him, stopped him? I don't know. But there hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about the what-ifs. There hasn't been a time that I have thought about it, really thought about it that hasn't felt like a sucker punch, that same feeling I had that time. There hasn't been a time that day didn't haunt me.
I don't know what I would have said. But I know that I would give anything to go back to that day and say something.
I put the phone down, and I am mad at myself for not making that call. No matter what the outcome. I should have made the call.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
30 Days of Truth: Day 2
Day 2: Something I love about myself...
Well, let's see.
I would have to say that I love my positivity and my ability to smile.
Am I always a smiley, upbeat person? No, no way no how. But I spent too much time being unpositive and gloomy. And let's face it, that is no way to go through life. It makes life harder, and tougher. I try to focus on the good in every situation. I try to make the best of life, no matter what. Sure, I get upset and I cry. I think things play out unfairly and I would like to smack the smirks off peoples' faces. Putting energy into being upset and carrying grudges and assuming the worst just sucks the life out of me, as I imagine it does to alot of people. I don't want people to see me that way. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer. I put my energy into focusing on the good in life.
It makes life easier, being positive. It truly does. It gets you through the day just a bit easier.
Well, let's see.
I would have to say that I love my positivity and my ability to smile.
Am I always a smiley, upbeat person? No, no way no how. But I spent too much time being unpositive and gloomy. And let's face it, that is no way to go through life. It makes life harder, and tougher. I try to focus on the good in every situation. I try to make the best of life, no matter what. Sure, I get upset and I cry. I think things play out unfairly and I would like to smack the smirks off peoples' faces. Putting energy into being upset and carrying grudges and assuming the worst just sucks the life out of me, as I imagine it does to alot of people. I don't want people to see me that way. I don't want to be the Debbie Downer. I put my energy into focusing on the good in life.
It makes life easier, being positive. It truly does. It gets you through the day just a bit easier.
Monday, October 25, 2010
We Made A Deal
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I haven't been blogging. I haven't known how to say what I really wanted to say, I guess. I dont' even know what I really want to say half the time. There are many frustrations in my life right now, and I am trying to work through them. I just feel..blah... We are all fine, work is fine, just blah. In that rut, so to speak. Now onto my real post
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When I went back to work and Isaac began daycare, I knew that inevitably I would miss out on the first time he did things. I was fully prepared to go back to work. I had my pumping schedule down, eating schedule, and was mentally prepared as much as I could be. I always knew that I would have to go back to work after a few months. I was always fine with that. Sure, I would miss my baby boy. But I struck a deal with Ben and Miss K.
If Isaac did anything that seemed like it was the first time he had done said action, say sit up, walk, talk, etc, they were strictly forbidden to tell me that he had performed said action. That way, when he did it for me, I would think it was the first time he had done it, and not feel the stab of guilt and longing for missing said first time action. It has worked remarkably well, and no one has ruined it.
Except Isaac.
He is too old for that deal now. He is doing things for me that he has clearly been practicing with his dad and Miss C and Miss S, that I think are incredible and am so proud and excited. And then I realize there is no way he hasn't done this before. I am missing it.
Like, he can identify numbers from 0-9. Ben holds up one of his blocks and asks him what number is written on it and he answers, correctly. I was so excited. But apparently he has been doing this awhile. Same with his letters. He gets A-F. And I am so proud, and then I realize that these are those that have been practiced and worked out. So my pride is still very valid, I am watching my boy learn and grow. That makes me deliriously happy, that he is making progress and becoming such a big boy. But the disappointment is there. The disappointment that I missed some things. That I will miss more things.
Apparently the person I should have made the deal with, was Isaac.
I haven't been blogging. I haven't known how to say what I really wanted to say, I guess. I dont' even know what I really want to say half the time. There are many frustrations in my life right now, and I am trying to work through them. I just feel..blah... We are all fine, work is fine, just blah. In that rut, so to speak. Now onto my real post
*******************************
When I went back to work and Isaac began daycare, I knew that inevitably I would miss out on the first time he did things. I was fully prepared to go back to work. I had my pumping schedule down, eating schedule, and was mentally prepared as much as I could be. I always knew that I would have to go back to work after a few months. I was always fine with that. Sure, I would miss my baby boy. But I struck a deal with Ben and Miss K.
If Isaac did anything that seemed like it was the first time he had done said action, say sit up, walk, talk, etc, they were strictly forbidden to tell me that he had performed said action. That way, when he did it for me, I would think it was the first time he had done it, and not feel the stab of guilt and longing for missing said first time action. It has worked remarkably well, and no one has ruined it.
Except Isaac.
He is too old for that deal now. He is doing things for me that he has clearly been practicing with his dad and Miss C and Miss S, that I think are incredible and am so proud and excited. And then I realize there is no way he hasn't done this before. I am missing it.
Like, he can identify numbers from 0-9. Ben holds up one of his blocks and asks him what number is written on it and he answers, correctly. I was so excited. But apparently he has been doing this awhile. Same with his letters. He gets A-F. And I am so proud, and then I realize that these are those that have been practiced and worked out. So my pride is still very valid, I am watching my boy learn and grow. That makes me deliriously happy, that he is making progress and becoming such a big boy. But the disappointment is there. The disappointment that I missed some things. That I will miss more things.
Apparently the person I should have made the deal with, was Isaac.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Least Wonderful Time of the Year
Or at least it is to me...Halloween.
And it isn't because of the trick-or-treating or costumes or candy. Those things make it semi-fun and bearable.
It's because of the amped up number of scary movies and paranormal shows.
My husband loves the ghost hunter stuff and I am forced to watch them with him. It's my penance for subjecting him to Desperate Housewives I guess. But seriously, I think he thinks Eva Longoria Parker is hot, so how is that bad for him? Anyway, I get pretty creeped out sometimes. I think of all the shows he watches, Ghost Hunters is the least abrasive. There is some freaky stuff on there. Like the face that leans over the railing in the lighthouse in Florida. FREAKY. I can only take about a weekly dose of it.
You know since it is October, that means there are MARATHONS of paranormal stuff on. And we have to watch it. There are NOT Desperate Housewives Marathons. And Teen Mom is over. So what I am supposed to do to get back at him? Yes, I know I could not watch it with him. I get it. It's my fault. But I have to spend time with him. And we have limited amounts together when Isaac is sleeping and not climbing all over us like a rabid monkey.
HOWEVER...
What I can not control is the amount of scary movies released this time of year. Like Paranormal Activity 2. Now, it is to my understanding that these movies are similar to the Blair Witch Project. Like, they are made to seem real documentaries but they are actually not. They are fiction.
I will be honest. I like scary movies sometimes. I like a good thrill every now and then. What I do not like are scary movies that are so real they could happen. And most scary movies nowadays are like that. I will admit that I am fascinated by ghosts and hauntings sometimes. I just can't take large doses. Especially when I am by myself in the house alot. And when I turn on my TV and THAT IS ALL THERE IS PLAYING....I have a problem with that.
What I do not like is the trailer for Paranormal Activity 2. Why? Because not only does it play on my fear of possession and ghosts, etc....it takes it to a whole other level.
In the trailer, there is a small boy, maybe around Isaac's age, sleeping in his crib. And then you see him drug across the crib by his feet, and pulled straight up. The next scene is the little boy standing, looking over the crib, with his pet dogs barking madly at the open door. Then you see the little boy thrown from the crib and drug out of the room by his feet. The next part is an angry looking dead woman, I mean, I assume she is, hunched in the doorway looking all possessed and whatever.
It made me want to cry and bless Isaac's room with Holy water, just in case.
And it made me angry.
I get thrills and chills this time of year. I get making spooky movies meant to scare the bejeebus out of people for entertainment purposes. But this played on a different type of fear. A FEAR THAT SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN TO HURT MY BABY.
And that, quite frankly, just pisses me off. IMMENSELY. As a mother, I do not find it remotely entertaining that people are trying to capitalize this fear, the fear that is instilled in them as soon as they become a mother. That fear, that divine instinct to protect your child...not for entertainment purposes.
I can tell you that if something like that EVER happened to me and my family, I would be terrified. And I would be PISSED. If anyone hurt my baby, dead or alive...WATCH OUT. Watch out ghosts who are pissed we are living in your house. I am pretty sure my anger in that case would overcome my fear of paranormal.
Same thing with aliens. But that is a whole other story.
Anyway, I can't stand that trailer. And it's on ALL THE TIME. I have to turn the channel. Or close my eyes and sing "Poker Face."
Only 17 days left in October. When does this movie come out? Hopefully after this month, they will move on to Christmas Movies. Or Harry Potter. OOOHHHH, Harry Potter. I think I just found my new happy place to go to for the damn trailers.
And it isn't because of the trick-or-treating or costumes or candy. Those things make it semi-fun and bearable.
It's because of the amped up number of scary movies and paranormal shows.
My husband loves the ghost hunter stuff and I am forced to watch them with him. It's my penance for subjecting him to Desperate Housewives I guess. But seriously, I think he thinks Eva Longoria Parker is hot, so how is that bad for him? Anyway, I get pretty creeped out sometimes. I think of all the shows he watches, Ghost Hunters is the least abrasive. There is some freaky stuff on there. Like the face that leans over the railing in the lighthouse in Florida. FREAKY. I can only take about a weekly dose of it.
You know since it is October, that means there are MARATHONS of paranormal stuff on. And we have to watch it. There are NOT Desperate Housewives Marathons. And Teen Mom is over. So what I am supposed to do to get back at him? Yes, I know I could not watch it with him. I get it. It's my fault. But I have to spend time with him. And we have limited amounts together when Isaac is sleeping and not climbing all over us like a rabid monkey.
HOWEVER...
What I can not control is the amount of scary movies released this time of year. Like Paranormal Activity 2. Now, it is to my understanding that these movies are similar to the Blair Witch Project. Like, they are made to seem real documentaries but they are actually not. They are fiction.
I will be honest. I like scary movies sometimes. I like a good thrill every now and then. What I do not like are scary movies that are so real they could happen. And most scary movies nowadays are like that. I will admit that I am fascinated by ghosts and hauntings sometimes. I just can't take large doses. Especially when I am by myself in the house alot. And when I turn on my TV and THAT IS ALL THERE IS PLAYING....I have a problem with that.
What I do not like is the trailer for Paranormal Activity 2. Why? Because not only does it play on my fear of possession and ghosts, etc....it takes it to a whole other level.
In the trailer, there is a small boy, maybe around Isaac's age, sleeping in his crib. And then you see him drug across the crib by his feet, and pulled straight up. The next scene is the little boy standing, looking over the crib, with his pet dogs barking madly at the open door. Then you see the little boy thrown from the crib and drug out of the room by his feet. The next part is an angry looking dead woman, I mean, I assume she is, hunched in the doorway looking all possessed and whatever.
It made me want to cry and bless Isaac's room with Holy water, just in case.
And it made me angry.
I get thrills and chills this time of year. I get making spooky movies meant to scare the bejeebus out of people for entertainment purposes. But this played on a different type of fear. A FEAR THAT SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN TO HURT MY BABY.
And that, quite frankly, just pisses me off. IMMENSELY. As a mother, I do not find it remotely entertaining that people are trying to capitalize this fear, the fear that is instilled in them as soon as they become a mother. That fear, that divine instinct to protect your child...not for entertainment purposes.
I can tell you that if something like that EVER happened to me and my family, I would be terrified. And I would be PISSED. If anyone hurt my baby, dead or alive...WATCH OUT. Watch out ghosts who are pissed we are living in your house. I am pretty sure my anger in that case would overcome my fear of paranormal.
Same thing with aliens. But that is a whole other story.
Anyway, I can't stand that trailer. And it's on ALL THE TIME. I have to turn the channel. Or close my eyes and sing "Poker Face."
Only 17 days left in October. When does this movie come out? Hopefully after this month, they will move on to Christmas Movies. Or Harry Potter. OOOHHHH, Harry Potter. I think I just found my new happy place to go to for the damn trailers.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
30 Days of Truth: Day 1
I got the idea to do this from Issa. It's 30 days of honest posts, revealing truths about yourself. I won't be doing all of them in a row, but will do all 30. I think it's a great exercise.
So Day 1 is something you hate about yourself.
Hate is a strong word, you know? I can't say there is anything that I really HATE about myself, but there are things that I dislike, quite strongly in fact.
I think the thing about myself that I dislike the most is that I always have to be in control.
To me, being in control of my life and everything that is in it (Read: EVERYONE) means that I will always know what is going to happen. I will know the outcome. Yes, I know that is not true. I know that things will inevitably happen outside of my control. That's what makes life what it is: Life. It makes it unique. But I hate that. I feel like when I don't have control over things, it means I don't know how things will play out. And that they could play out badly. That I, or someone that I love, could get hurt. That I could lose something. I have to be in control. I just do.
I feel like this holds me back. It holds my family back. It prevents spontaneity. And it makes me insane when things happen outside my control.
It's something I am working on, something that I want to change about myself. I want to be able to relish the moment and not worry about what may happen. I don't want to spend my life in a state of worry about how to prevent myself from not being in control. I don't want to live like that. I want to be able to put trust in other people to carry out tasks that I could do without the responsibility. Little things, big things. It doesn't matter. I have to be in control. I have to be in the know, and I have to have some control. Or I become all chaotic and twirly. My husband is very patient with me, since he gets most of my control issues. He is more patient than I would be. Ooohh, patience. I lack that. That would have been a good one to write about too.
Deep down, I know that I can't control everything. I know that's impossible. But too much has happened that I haven't been able to control. And to me, if I have some control, some power over my life, maybe when those things happen, they won't destroy me again.
So Day 1 is something you hate about yourself.
Hate is a strong word, you know? I can't say there is anything that I really HATE about myself, but there are things that I dislike, quite strongly in fact.
I think the thing about myself that I dislike the most is that I always have to be in control.
To me, being in control of my life and everything that is in it (Read: EVERYONE) means that I will always know what is going to happen. I will know the outcome. Yes, I know that is not true. I know that things will inevitably happen outside of my control. That's what makes life what it is: Life. It makes it unique. But I hate that. I feel like when I don't have control over things, it means I don't know how things will play out. And that they could play out badly. That I, or someone that I love, could get hurt. That I could lose something. I have to be in control. I just do.
I feel like this holds me back. It holds my family back. It prevents spontaneity. And it makes me insane when things happen outside my control.
It's something I am working on, something that I want to change about myself. I want to be able to relish the moment and not worry about what may happen. I don't want to spend my life in a state of worry about how to prevent myself from not being in control. I don't want to live like that. I want to be able to put trust in other people to carry out tasks that I could do without the responsibility. Little things, big things. It doesn't matter. I have to be in control. I have to be in the know, and I have to have some control. Or I become all chaotic and twirly. My husband is very patient with me, since he gets most of my control issues. He is more patient than I would be. Ooohh, patience. I lack that. That would have been a good one to write about too.
Deep down, I know that I can't control everything. I know that's impossible. But too much has happened that I haven't been able to control. And to me, if I have some control, some power over my life, maybe when those things happen, they won't destroy me again.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Complacent
I have never been the type of person who lets life happen to her. I have always made my life happen. I know what I want and I do what it takes to get there. People who don't and complain about their situation kinda bug me. Ok, that's not true. They DO bug me. I mean, if you are unhappy in your situation, you are the only one who can change it. You have to make things happen for you. You can't just wait around until something happens. That's lazy.
And then I realized that I HAVE become that person to an effect. I lost sight of what I want, who I want to be, where I want to be. I feel like my husband and I have been waiting for something to happen to us, to give our lives direction. That's not likely, right? I mean, we aren't moaning and bitching. We know we have it pretty good. We like California. We have jobs that give us benefits. We have a healthy baby (ok toddler, whatever). And it's not that we are unhappy.
But in a way, we are. We know that bottom line, we don't want to stay here forever. We want our kids to have a yard. We want a house. We want alot of things that aren't impossible to get in this area, but will be harder to obtain. So we have kinda been putting our feelers out there to see what could happen. And nothing has. Because we are waiting for it to happen, and we aren't MAKING it happen. We are waiting for something to point us in the direction.
How do you make something happen when you don't know what you want? We have become complacent and I can admit that. We are happily unhappy. We are living day to day and not thinking about the future in the way we should be thinking. We are waiting for a push and somehow that led us to complacency. We have started to become people who wait for life to happen. And we don't want that.
What are the next steps? How to fix this? What is broken that requires the fixing? WHAT DO WE WANT?
I don't like that I have become this way, truly. I know alot in our lives has changed. We are definately different people than we used to be, as we should be. Experiences have changed us, made us wiser. We know that there are certain ways NOT to do things and obtain what we want. And we know that some of the things we thought we wanted, in fact, are just not right for us. Maybe some of the thing we had previously disregarded are now right for us, for our future.
Bottom line is that we need to figure out what we want. As individuals, and as a family. And then figure out how to make it a reality.
And then I realized that I HAVE become that person to an effect. I lost sight of what I want, who I want to be, where I want to be. I feel like my husband and I have been waiting for something to happen to us, to give our lives direction. That's not likely, right? I mean, we aren't moaning and bitching. We know we have it pretty good. We like California. We have jobs that give us benefits. We have a healthy baby (ok toddler, whatever). And it's not that we are unhappy.
But in a way, we are. We know that bottom line, we don't want to stay here forever. We want our kids to have a yard. We want a house. We want alot of things that aren't impossible to get in this area, but will be harder to obtain. So we have kinda been putting our feelers out there to see what could happen. And nothing has. Because we are waiting for it to happen, and we aren't MAKING it happen. We are waiting for something to point us in the direction.
How do you make something happen when you don't know what you want? We have become complacent and I can admit that. We are happily unhappy. We are living day to day and not thinking about the future in the way we should be thinking. We are waiting for a push and somehow that led us to complacency. We have started to become people who wait for life to happen. And we don't want that.
What are the next steps? How to fix this? What is broken that requires the fixing? WHAT DO WE WANT?
I don't like that I have become this way, truly. I know alot in our lives has changed. We are definately different people than we used to be, as we should be. Experiences have changed us, made us wiser. We know that there are certain ways NOT to do things and obtain what we want. And we know that some of the things we thought we wanted, in fact, are just not right for us. Maybe some of the thing we had previously disregarded are now right for us, for our future.
Bottom line is that we need to figure out what we want. As individuals, and as a family. And then figure out how to make it a reality.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Grocery Challenge Update
I am pleased to say that I have completed 2 weeks of my Grocery Challenge. The last shopping trip to get me through to today consisted of 3 lbs of ground beef, one yellow onion, 2 lbs of bananas, one head of garlic and one bag of lettuce. My total was $10.41 which was fine since I had leftover from the previous trip where I only spent about $7.50. The fridge definitely looks emptier, and the cupboards are getting there.
This week is going to be a stretch. I made a list of potential meals, and some of them are creative. We shall see how it goes. :)
This week is going to be a stretch. I made a list of potential meals, and some of them are creative. We shall see how it goes. :)
Friday, October 1, 2010
Mommies Can't Get Sick
On Sunday, I got sick. I mean, I got SICK, like fever, sore throat, bad headache. And you know, mommies can't get sick. They can't get sick because the universe becomes seriously unbalanced. The house falls apart. My husband works long hours away from home, so I get that I carry most of the burden. Just saying, I am a CONTROL FREAK. So I kinda pretended like I wasn't sick, which meant I still went about doing my chores, shopping, and such. When Isaac went down for his nap, I took my temperature, and IT WAS NOT PRETTY.
I am always reluctant to stay home from work. Not because of work itself, but because I don't ever get a day off. I mean, unless I take the kiddo to daycare. And that just makes me feel guilty, like I am at home, not making money, and paying for someone else to watch him. Anyhoo, I knew that I had to stay home Monday. I needed to sleep, and Ben would be home for Daddy Daycare. So when he got home on Sunday, I was laying pitifully on the couch, mind you in a CLEAN HOUSE.
"If I stay home from work tomorrow to rest and get better, you will still watch the baby, right?"
"Um...yes."
"Are you sure? Like, it won't be like when I was in the emergency room last year and supped up on painkillers and I had to stay home and rest on Dr's orders and somehow you thought that meant you needed to take a nap and I needed to make dinner while watching the kid?"
".....no...."
And in all fairness, it was not a repeat performance. However, I still felt the need to do chores and such, because again, Mommies can't really get sick. And how do I explain to my 20 month old son that he can't come play with Mommy when she is home?
Which explains another reason Mommies can't get sick.
When Mommy gets sick, Isaac gets sick. Which he did.
It breaks my heart when he is sick, because he just lays there on the couch, on Bunny Buddy, all droopy eyed and quiet. The past two days have been better, no fevers. And today he is back at daycare, and apparently fine.
Sigh. It's been a long week. Because Mommies can't sick. They fall behind, one way or another.
I am always reluctant to stay home from work. Not because of work itself, but because I don't ever get a day off. I mean, unless I take the kiddo to daycare. And that just makes me feel guilty, like I am at home, not making money, and paying for someone else to watch him. Anyhoo, I knew that I had to stay home Monday. I needed to sleep, and Ben would be home for Daddy Daycare. So when he got home on Sunday, I was laying pitifully on the couch, mind you in a CLEAN HOUSE.
"If I stay home from work tomorrow to rest and get better, you will still watch the baby, right?"
"Um...yes."
"Are you sure? Like, it won't be like when I was in the emergency room last year and supped up on painkillers and I had to stay home and rest on Dr's orders and somehow you thought that meant you needed to take a nap and I needed to make dinner while watching the kid?"
".....no...."
And in all fairness, it was not a repeat performance. However, I still felt the need to do chores and such, because again, Mommies can't really get sick. And how do I explain to my 20 month old son that he can't come play with Mommy when she is home?
Which explains another reason Mommies can't get sick.
When Mommy gets sick, Isaac gets sick. Which he did.
It breaks my heart when he is sick, because he just lays there on the couch, on Bunny Buddy, all droopy eyed and quiet. The past two days have been better, no fevers. And today he is back at daycare, and apparently fine.
Sigh. It's been a long week. Because Mommies can't sick. They fall behind, one way or another.
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