Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Anxious

On Friday, Isaac will start at his new daycare center. This is the bigger daycare center right down the street from our house. He is going to be going there on Fridays until November, when he will start full time. (The other two days he is playing at Miss C's house, who has him 3 days right now).

Anyway, I am feeling all kinds of anxiety about taking him there. Not really bad, but...anxious. I don't know how to accurately describe it. I filled out the thick packet of paperwork, signing forms, filling out phone numbers, copying vaccination papers. And as I was signing the form that waived liabilty of the center to pay any medical expenses that Isaac may incur while in their care...I got all...anxious. Not that I think that Isaac will incur mass medical expenses and I need to have my proof of medical insurance, etc. But that here I am for the third time in his little life, entrusting my precious baby boy in someone else's care and leaving him there.

This is the third stranger he has to meet. The third new house he has to learn and adapt to. The third new group of kids he has to learn to play with, share with, get along with.

It just seems really unfair, that I am putting him through this again, just when he is getting so happy at Miss C's. I know he is young, and he adapts so easily (so far). He is social and friendly. And I am sure he will be absolutely fine.

I feel like I am being selfish. Like I should have planned better before and while I was pregnant. I should have saved more and payed more bills, so we would be in a better position for me to stay home with Isaac. I should have done something, ANYTHING differently, because I just feel so...anxious about it. Like, maybe I should have agreed to leave him at Miss C's until November and make another clean break for him. Maybe I should have agreed to take him to a different place that was available for full time right now, instead of waiting for this center.

Maybe I should not feel like I need my job in my life, like I need that part of my old life in my new life as mom. The truth is, 9 days out of 10, I relish the 8 hours I am at work and doing what I am good at. I like having this bit of my life that doesn't really revolve around me being a mommy. That makes me feel guilty. I don't like feeling that way.

Despite how I feel today or tomorrow, inevitably, on Friday morning, I will pack up his diapers, wipes, extra clothes, extra medicines, blankie and cup, and drop my son off at his third daycare. His third daycare in 19 months.

1 comment:

Renae said...

I can hear your desire for the best for your son and the fact that you are keeping him in mind is really important, but I would encourage you that if part of who you are at this point in your life is a working Mom, then it serves all of you best if you work. Not only do you need the money in order to provide an even better future for your family, but you have expressed that it fulfills you at a certain level. That work ethic and contribution to something outside of the home is a model to your son, even if he can't understand it yet, but you are teaching him that people are interdependent on each other and that they need to do things away from each other sometimes in order to be stronger when they are together. I know that I was aware at a young age that my mother resented us keeping her from her educational/career dreams and that her dissatisfaction, while never uttered, was felt in our everyday lives. Surely there is a balance in there that is healthy for you both :)

And kids are remarkably resilient. There is a big difference between neglect and providing care, even if that care is with someone else. And the thought that you are putting into all of this proves that you are caring for him.

All that to say, don't be anxious, it is going to work out :)