Trade Off

When we lived in California, I never worried about money. My husband pulled a 6 figure salary, and I had a steady job. Yes, our rent was more than what we pay in three months out here, and a gallon of milk often cost as much as a kidney, but we were fine. Although I bitched about frivolous spending, we didn't worry about it as much. We paid our bills on time, more than the minimums, we saved, and we lived our lives.

Except we didn't have lives.

Correction, my husband didn't have a life outside work.

While he loved the amounts of his paychecks, he was working 24/7. When he wasn't physically at work, he was on the computer or on the phone. Let's face it, that kind of salary is never attached to a 40 hour work week. Since he was working so much in San Francisco, he often stayed in the office apartment above the store. It was an hour drive each way, and when you aren't leaving until 9 and have to be back by 7, there's not a lot of sense in coming home to sleep for a few hours. There were days when Isaac didn't see his dad, until we figured out how to Skype. Ben would go on business trips, meetings, trainings out of state, and we couldn't even do that much. We had to reschedule our Disneyland trip 3 times. 3 TIMES!

I didn't worry about money, but I did worry about my marriage. It was just me and Isaac ALL THE TIME. Even when Ben was home, we were hard pressed to find a babysitter so we could go to dinner or to a movie.

When we knew we were moving across the country, we started saving and paying off more. I started planning how we were going to survive on one third of what we were making. It's been rough. I didn't plan as well as I thought I did. Ben messed up his back and has been to all kinds of doctors for tests. One of the cars has needed repairs. SNOW TIRES, ugh.

Anyway, now I worry about money all the time. Like, I wake up at night for Isaac and I can't fall back asleep because my mind won't turn off. But you know what I don't worry about? MY MARRIAGE. I see my husband everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. When we have a problem, we can talk about it, face to face.  We resolve things. Isaac sees his dad in real life, not over a computer screen. Most days, we eat dinner together. When Ben is home, he is HOME, not on the phone constantly or worrying about numbers or customer issues or whatnot. He's worried about, well, nothing. (Except maybe the fact that his wife is seriously inept at keeping up with laundry). We get to be a family. A broke family, but we are a family that sees each other.

This is a trade off I am willing to deal with. Somehow, dealing with money troubles seems immensely easier than dealing with marriage troubles. I'll take it.

How McDonald's Changed My Life

When I hit the magical driving age, I naturally wanted a car. I shared this dire need with my parents, who said "no, what you want is a job." To have a car, I need money to buy a car. To get that money, I needed a job. I got the drift. After basketball season was over (I was a cheerleader, I had priorities!), my mother advised me to dress up and she would take me to pick up job applications.

I remember what I was wearing: a gray mock turtleneck and a blue plaid skirt. It was all the rage back then. I walked into the first place my mother took me: McDonald's. I approached the counter and asked for an application, which I filled out later that day. I got called for an interview. I got offered a job.

Let's be honest, here. No over really wants their job to be at McDonald's. But they were willing to work around my crazy schedule for my school activities and such. And I wanted to drive. I took the job, not knowing how working under the Golden Arches would change my life forever.

I met Ben a few weeks after I started working. He was a year older than me (and still is, duh) and went to a neighboring high school. We only worked Sundays together. He played baseball, so he was never there during the week when I worked. It was an instant crush for me, and I found myself checking the schedule to see when he worked. I had no idea he was doing the same thing. I would casually cross the parking lot to get ice cream cones after my gymnastics lessons (it was next door). He would show up to get burgers. We flirted on Sundays, until his very last shift before he quit. A few days before, I had let it slip to a coworker that I might like Ben. He passed it along and I am pretty sure to this day he takes credit for our relationship.

At the end of his last shift, Ben came up to me with a SeaWorld coupon that they used to hand out when it was still in Ohio. He asked for my phone number, which I wrote down. He folded the coupon up, stuck it in his wallet, and said he'd call me later. A week later we went on our first date, to Applebees and to see Godzilla, and the rest is history.

That was 13 years ago.

6 years ago today, we were standing at the altar constructed in the Grand Allee gazebo at the botanical gardens vowing forever and surrounded by everyone we loved.

When you know, you know. And we knew way back then, under those Golden Arches. Our relationship has not been smooth, nor perfect. We have been through ugly times. But day in and day out, we love each other more than we ever could have thought we would. No matter what kind of life we have, I can't imagine havign anyone else by my side. He's taken care of me, and of Isaac. He does what ever he needs to do to make sure every dream I have comes true. He knows me better than anyone else.

And he still has the Sea World Coupon folded up in his wallet.

Happy Anniversary to my incredible husband.

Isaac's Egg-cellant Easter

Isaac really got into Easter this year! We started celebrating by coloring eggs, which he totally rocked. I put a smock on him, but that was soon abandoned. He thought the best way to create colorfullness was to keep dipping the eggs in multiple colors. Every egg was dyed after about 5 minutes. I cut him off after they turned brown. And his hands were sufficiently dyed green. A few eggs cracked because he thought it best to drop the egg into the dye cup from a considerable distance. Thankfully, the garbage took most of the splatter and only a bit got onto the carpet and onto Isaac's clothes.

On Easter, we did 4, count em 4, egg hunts, 2 inside and 2 out. Ben and I hid all the eggs. He loved it. So much in fact, that he had to hold all the eggs he found at once. Baskets are for Pansies!

Once he figured that I would follow him with the basket, he liked it more. We hid the same 14 eggs over and over. The next morning, and the next...and next...the first thing he said when he woke up was "Find eggs?!" Sigh.

We haven't decided if we are going with the whole Easter Bunny idea yet. Right now, he is too little to understand anything more than finding eggs.

We had a great day. The days when the my husband's stores are closed are a blessing in themselves. It means for those 3 days every year, his phone stays silent, and his blood pressure stays low. For the most part anyway...Isaac creates his own blood pressure spikes in us. :) We get to spend the day just as a family. And we get to enjoy it. :)

Magic

This past weekend, we took Isaac on a very special vacation. We took him to Disneyland for 2 days, which we have been trying to do for MANY months. This was such a special trip for us, for so many reasons. I have been trying figure out how I want to write about this trip, how I want to detail and describe it.

We left last Friday and drove to Anaheim. I was worried that Isaac wouldn't handle these drives very well, being in the car for 8+ hours. He handled both trips like a rock star and was fascinated by the amount of semi trucks he could exclaim over. For about 2 hours solid, while driving through almond orchards in middle California, all we heard was "There it goes! Big truck! Honk Honk! Big truck!" He napped briefly, and only really got restless during the LA rush hour traffic we hit. All in all, he did very well, and seemed to understand that he could not get out and that we were going somewhere special. We took more stopping breaks for Ben than we did for Isaac. :)

Once we got settled into our hotel we took Isaac over to the Downtown Disney area to watch the fireworks. We purchased his autograph book for the upcoming two days. You could see the excitement on his face as he saw Mickey Mouse plastered everywhere. He still had no idea.

The two days we spent in the park were absolutely AMAZING. I can't even begin to detail the fun that all three of us had. It was just  us, with cell phones that died by 2 pm, not worrying about schedules or money. We rode the rides, met the characters, and filled ourselves with junk food. We treated our little boy to 2 days immersed with his favorite things. We watched him laugh, and smile, and run around with boundless energy. We held him when he was tired and carried him through lines. We rode the carousel, which became evident was his favorite, again and again until we were dizzy. We (ok, I) let him splash through the giant garden spigot in "A Bug's Land" until he was drenched from head to toe. He didn't really nap, but that was ok. He snoozed in the stroller or on my shoulder while we waited in line.

Every single penny we spent was worth it. To see our child so happy, so excited, has no price tag. I literally had tears in my eyes as  he ran up to Mickey Mouse and gave him a huge hug, squealing in delight. I can't tell you  how many times I heard "WOW!" and "that's AMAZING!" and "Look, Mama! Look, Daddy!"

It was a tiring two days that involved a lot of walking. By the time we finished with "World of Color" on Sunday night, we were definately done.

I can see why Disneyland is called the "happiest place on earth." For those 2 days, for us...it truly was magic.

10 Things I Love About You

When you have been together for as long as I have been with my husband, things fall into routine. We are going on 13 years together, 6 married. This past Valentine's Day was our 13th together. And you know, it's easy to see why this day has become a Hallmark, exploited holiday. But again, that's true of any holiday, I guess. Point being, we are busy. We are comfortable. We know the other person very well.

It's easy to go to the jewelry store, to the florist. I don't disagree with the traditional Valentine gifts (definitely NOT with diamonds. Those are suitable gifts for ANY occassion).

This year we decided to try something different. It's going to be an expensive year for us, with the move, a new home, new jobs. We don't have extra money to feed into Valentine's gifts. We agreed that instead of traditional gifts, we would each write a list of 10 things we loved about the other person to keep in our wallets.

It was an easy list to write. There are more than 10 things I love about my husband.

IT WAS THE BEST GIFT I COULD HAVE IMAGINED.

I have read the list he gave me about 20 times since last evening. It makes me cry. I know he loves me. I know he knows me. But let me tell you, this man KNOWS me and LOVES me.

And he made dinner, a similar dinner to the one he made for me on our first Valentine's Day. It was so delicious. He gave Isaac a bath. I cleaned up the kitchen and made his favorite Monster Cookies with red, pink, and white M&Ms.

I took a looooooooong bubble bath, like the ones I used to take before Isaac was born. With wine. And Grey's Anatomy on my laptop.

We all cuddled on the couch and watched TV together. And after Isaac fell asleep, he and I laid on the bed in darkness and talked for an hour.

It was the most perfect day ever. And it didn't cost us anything. I felt loved and appreciated as a wife and mother. I couldn't have asked for anything more.  

A Change has Brewed.

I was born and raised in Ohio. I went to a small high school, where I graduated with 129 other people. I went to college and soon enough learned there was a big world out there, one that I really wanted to explore past the midwest. As college graduation loomed nearer, I started looking at grad programs. To be 100% honest, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I knew I loved science, biology, research. But rather than narrowing down my focus into one specific area, I was just interested in everything (with the exception of microbio...yick!). Everytime I took a different class, I would think it was so cool and wanted to learn more, figure out how to do that science as well. I knew graduate school was the next step, but I was kinda clueless. I got a postcard from USF's program while waiting to hear from some other schools. It drew me in and I applied. It seemed to be a developing Masters program, so I knew I could get involved with alot of different ideas. I got in, and Ben proposed. We moved across the country with a few thousand dollars, an old couch, a bunch of plastic dishes, a few plants, and no idea how much our lives were going change.

I finished my Masters, burnt out from school. Still not having a clear direction, I took promotions and higher salaries for a company that I meant nothing to. My husband thrived in his job, and still does. We settled in to our lives. I changed jobs, and switched into my current position. It was here, in this job, that I really grew up. I found my passions and my direction.

And now, sometime this summer, we will leave California and head back to Ohio. We will leave with hopefully more than a few thousand dollars, a new couch and matching chair, 2 cats, real dishes, no plants, because I killed them, and a beautiful little boy... among other things loaded into a sizably larger moving truck.

We are leaving for several reasons. The biggest being that starting in the fall I will be a PhD student! When I left VS, it was to get back into science and pursue my dream. And now, I know what that dream is, and the steps are being taken.

We want to buy a house. Ands let's face it...that's not possible for us here. Ok, correction: the house we want to buy is not possible here.

Isaac...he THRIVES in Ohio. He's a different kid there. He's surrounded by his family, and I feel like an evil mother everytime we have leave.

I want to make something clear. We are not by any means UNHAPPY in California. We are very happy here...we just know we can be happier there. Are we crazy to give up the stability we have here? Maybe. But we don't think we are (most days...I've had some rather large-scale freakout sessions and Ben is remarkably good at calming me. Good husband :) ).

So this is it, the announcement: I am a PhD student, and we are heading back east. We are 100% committed to this change. I didn't want to say anything until it was concrete. And now it is. :)

We Made A Deal

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I haven't been blogging. I haven't known how to say what I really wanted to say, I guess. I dont' even know what I really want to say half the time. There are many frustrations in my life right now, and I am trying to work through them. I just feel..blah... We are all fine, work is fine, just blah. In that rut, so to speak. Now onto my real post
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When I went back to work and Isaac began daycare, I knew that inevitably I would miss out on the first time he did things. I was fully prepared to go back to work. I had my pumping schedule down, eating schedule, and was mentally prepared as much as I could be. I always knew that I would have to go back to work after a few months. I was always fine with that. Sure, I would miss my baby boy. But I struck a deal with Ben and Miss K.

If Isaac did anything that seemed like it was the first time he had done said action, say sit up, walk, talk, etc, they were strictly forbidden to tell me that he had performed said action. That way, when he did it for me, I would think it was the first time he had done it, and not feel the stab of guilt and longing for missing said first time action. It has worked remarkably well, and no one has ruined it.

Except Isaac.

He is too old for that deal now. He is doing things for me that he has clearly been practicing with his dad and Miss C and Miss S, that I think are incredible and am so proud and excited. And then I realize there is no way he hasn't done this before. I am missing it.

Like, he can identify numbers from 0-9. Ben holds up one of his blocks and asks him what number is written on it and he answers, correctly. I was so excited. But apparently he has been doing this awhile. Same with his letters. He gets A-F. And I am so proud, and then I realize that these are those that have been practiced and worked out. So my pride is still very valid, I am watching my boy learn and grow. That makes me deliriously happy, that he is making progress and becoming such a big boy. But the disappointment is there. The disappointment that I missed some things. That I will miss more things.

Apparently the person I should have made the deal with, was Isaac.

Mommies Can't Get Sick

On Sunday, I got sick. I mean, I got SICK, like fever, sore throat, bad headache. And you know, mommies can't get sick. They can't get sick because the universe becomes seriously unbalanced. The house falls apart. My husband works long hours away from home, so I get that I carry most of the burden. Just saying, I am a CONTROL FREAK. So I kinda pretended like I wasn't sick, which meant I still went about doing my chores, shopping, and such. When Isaac went down for his nap, I took my temperature, and IT WAS NOT PRETTY.

I am always reluctant to stay home from work. Not because of work itself, but because I don't ever get a day off. I mean, unless I take the kiddo to daycare. And that just makes me feel guilty, like I am at home, not making money, and paying for someone else to watch him. Anyhoo, I knew that I had to stay home Monday. I needed to sleep, and Ben would be home for Daddy Daycare. So when he got home on Sunday, I was laying pitifully on the couch, mind you in a CLEAN HOUSE.

"If I stay home from work tomorrow to rest and get better, you will still watch the baby, right?"

"Um...yes."

"Are you sure? Like, it won't be like when I was in the emergency room last year and supped up on painkillers and I had to stay home and rest on Dr's orders and somehow you thought that meant you needed to take a nap and I needed to make dinner while watching the kid?"

".....no...."

And in all fairness, it was not a repeat performance. However, I still felt the need to do chores and such, because again, Mommies can't really get sick. And how do I explain to my 20 month old son that he can't come play with Mommy when she is home?

Which explains another reason Mommies can't get sick.

When Mommy gets sick, Isaac gets sick. Which he did.

It breaks my heart when he is sick, because he just lays there on the couch, on Bunny Buddy, all droopy eyed and quiet. The past two days have been better, no fevers. And today he is back at daycare, and apparently fine.

Sigh. It's been a long week. Because Mommies can't sick. They fall behind, one way or another.

Mish Mash

My delightful co-worker A so delicately pointed out that I haven't blogged in a week. Sorry, over a week. So here, I am stuck with writer's block, big time, throwing together a post of updates, I guess. Let's start with a visual aid. :)

Isaac likes swings again! We discovered a new park, where ducks swim semi-free in an enclosed pond that also contains mutant koi. Whew, the "IHATESWINGSGETMEOUTOFTHISTHINGRIGHTNOWORIWILLSCREAMANDSCREAMANDMAYBEEVENBITEYOU" phase is over, seemingly. And he is so over the little play structures that are age appropriate. He wants to be on the big kid ones. And we, uh...kinda let him. He's an adventurous, fearless little boy. The way this kid climbs, you would like he was part monkey. We follow him and make sure he isn't leaping off things. He pretty much just wants to climb and go down the big slides. He knows to sit down at the top and not lean over the side. He makes it sound as though the climbing is alot of effort because with every single step, we usually get an exertionous grunt (is that a word, hmmmm I hope so). We don't let him go on said structures if there are big kids who actually belong on the big equipment there, and I wouldn't get pissed (assumably) if he injured (knock on wood) himself on them because I let him on there. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY HERE!

Speaking of the little man (still my baby boy), he has developed an affinity for Lady Gaga and Glee. TRUE STORY. He is partial to "Bad Romance" but he will also sing along to "Telephone." I think it's adorable that he will sing "el-o, el-o bay-be" and I am pretty sure he likes the singing on Glee.

And he counts to 10! He can get to 6 unassisted, and needs a bit of coaxing past 7 and 8, but definately gets the 9, 10. :)

So, the 3 week great stash reduction of 2010...I am happy to say that I have only spent $7.48 of my $10 budget. And to be honest $2.50 was on accident. I am so accustomed to impulse buying, that last weekend at Target, I threw 100-calorie cupcakes into the cart without even thinking about it. I didn't even realize I had bought a grocery until I got home. Anyway, Other than that, I have only bought milk for me and Isaac. I have used several canned goods, two boxes of pasta, and several things from the freezer. We have had fried chicken, spaghetti and meatballs, turkey chili, potato crunch fish, pizza, and mac and cheese. And to be honest, I am not seeing any dent made in the stash. Maybe because it is the first week? Or maybe because I just have THAT MUCH STUFF.

There are several professional opportunities looming on the horizon for me and hubs. Hopefully (fingers crossed, please please PUH-LEASE), something will pan out successfully for one of us, providing us with the opportunity for change. We are feeling a bit stuck right now. Like, that inbetween phase, where you know you have to move forward, but you need that little kick start in that direction.

No more decision has been made on whether or not the IUD is actually coming out in November either. :( Much trepidation though. I think it depends on how the aforementioned pans out.

Tomorrow we are going to the SF Zoo, with a friend and her two kids that I haven't seen in AGES. I haven't seen her son since he was an itty bitty baby, and I have never met her daughter, nor has she met Isaac. I am deliriously excited.

Ok, that is seriously all I have now. I am suffering serious writer's block. Hopefully it will vanish soon. I apologize. :(

How It's Supposed To Go, Right?

The other night, I had to bring up the taboo subject in our house: Money. Sigh, the root of all evil. The reason a great deal of marriages fail. The driving force behind horrible arguments.

When my husband and I talk about money it usually goes like this:

Me: "How did you blow through $200 in cash in just 4 days? Are you on drugs?"

Him: "Um....NO. Why would you think that?"

Me: "Well, I pack you lunch everyday. I buy you beer and gatorade and sodas. I buy you snacks. I just don't really see what you are spending that money on unless during your lunch you are sloughing over to GG Park to hit up your dealer."

Him:"Are you serious?"

Me, putting on my saddest face I can muster: "I just hope the crack is worth it. I mean, I am going to have to wrap our son's butt in paper towels since we won't be able to afford diapers soon. Just promise me you won't sell him."

Him: "I don't even know what to say to you right now..."

Ok, so that is a nice version of what I usually say to him. In all seriousness, we have a problem communicating about money. Mostly because I am the one who pays the bills every month and does the shopping, etc. This role was just kind of assumed. He was taking care of financials for businesses, and really, who wants to come home and do the same thing? Plus I am a control freak. So here we have me paying the bills and seeing where every cent we make goes, and him pulling in the $$$ and not knowing anything. Now, this may be a big flashing warning to most of you, but I didn't see how big of a problem this was.

My husband hears me bitch about money all the time. He hears me talk at him about not spending and how he blows too much. And he sees the numbers on his paychecks, and how much time he spends at work. He feels justified in spending money.

And you know, he's right. We do make great money. And we should be able to enjoy it. If we want to spend $146 on a case of car cleaner, we should be able to (guess who made this purchase?). If we want to take a trip, we should be able to. And I shouldn't have to check the bank accounts every monring in fear wondering how much he blew the day before on corn nuts and 5 hour energy drinks.

The other day, the light bulb went on in my head. He needed to see exactly what we paid each month to our credit cards, car payment, insurance, groceries, diapers, cell phone, loans, etc. He needed to see what we owed and to whom. So I pulled it all together. I added things up. I prioritized what I thought should be paid off first, how much we should save. I decided it was time to get on the same page. I couldn't expect him to just automatically go with what I say. I mean, he respects me, but come on. One of the reasons I love him is that he has his own opinions and dreams. And he goes after them. And he expresses them.

When he came home from work, the best thing happened. Well, other than winning the lottery. We sat down and talked like adults. Like married adults with responsibilities. We COMMUNICATED. We both laid it all out and we got on the same page. He talked about how he felt and what he wanted. I talked about how I felt and what I wanted. And we listened. We made decisions and suggestions.

That's how it's supposed to go, right? This is how married people are supposed to communicate? It only took me 5 years to figure out.

My BlogHer'10

I was really going to try to go to BlogHer this year. Like, I was seriously all gungho about it, and waiting to purchase my ticket. My husband said I could go if I kept my cost under $500-$600 and I figured out how to do it.

Well, obviously and sadly, I did not end up going. And not for change of heart, because I really really REALLY still wanted to go, both for the experience and I wanted to meet my friends.

After deep conversation with my husband, we decided it best for our family that I do something else (and by deep I mean I was probably annoying him and to shut me up he said "Look here...pick one or the other because I don't which but we aren't paying for both).

Remember how I am a science geek? Well, to enhance my geekness, I decided that I wanted to get my Professional Wetland Scientist Certification. This means hoop jumping and writing and applications...and my favorite: Classes. I love science classes and I would take them all day, every day. Sadly, these classes are only about 2 days on average. But I still love them.

I don't love the hefty price tag said classes come with. I didn't really pay for my undergrad and grad degrees, so I kinda got sticker shock when I had to register through a local college of extended learning. Ouch. And my classes are actually cheaper than credit hour classes.

Sooooo....yeah. It was kind of a decision between spending the money on my hobby and emotional outlet, or on my career. I opted for my career this time. Boy, oh boy, do I wish we had the money to do both, but we don't. Isaac needs diapers. And we need a house to live in.

Damn adult decisions. I was way sad (and still am) that I didn't get to go to NYC and meet my bloggy besties and idols. :)

Anyway, two classes were in June and one class is tomorrow and Saturday. This class is all about plants! and is hopefully my last class that I need to apply for my professional in training (still have work experience to do), fingers crossed and knock on wood. I make great friends and professional contacts in these classes, as well as learning and advancing my career.

Tomorrow begins my BlogHer, I guess. Or concludes since I took some classes earlier in the summer.

And now, I have a seperate savings account for BlogHer next year in San Diego, which will be way more affordable for me, unless of course I have done so much professional development that I land a kick @$# job on the East coast and I am in the same boat again.

With that, I leave you another photo of my little Science Geek Boo at the GG Botanical Gardens with the "Squirrel Kitties" that I was terrified he would actually catch because they are so tame and used to people, and get bitten by said and most likely rabid and diseased "squirrel kitty." (Yes, he thought they were kitties, but by the end of the day he was saying "querrrrlllll!")

In the Middle of the Night

I am a troubled sleeper. I can NEVER fall asleep on my own. And I never sleep undisturbed, even the slightest noise wakes me up (Note: After about 10 years, my husband's snoring no longer wakes me up even though he sounds like a drunken bear with a chainsaw). I long ago turned off the baby monitor. Seriously, Isaac is in the next room over, and I hear him. I hear EVERYTHING. I hear the cats jump on and off the bed. I hear stuff fall in the kitchen. I hear animals outside. I hear the toilet make funny noises.

Isaac very rarely wakes during the night. I will hear him stir, and sometimes whimper a bit. But he seldom wakes up in the middle of the night unless he is RAVENOUS or has a diaper blowout or one of the @$%hat cats has managed to get into his room and jump in the crib (Another Note: I long since took down the crib tent prevent said @$%hat cats from leaping into the crib. Isaac is big enough now to sense when one of them is in his bed. And half the time he thinks it is hilarious).

Or he has a nightmare. Like last night.

At about 3am, I hear him SCREAMING. No precursor whimpers. No small cries. FULL BLOWN SCREAMS.

Thinking some crazed kidnapper or axe murder has busted through the wonky Dr. Suess windows in his room, I rocketed out of bed so fast, the cat sleeping on my head flew across the room. Flinging open his bedroom door and adjusting the dimmer on the overhead light, I see my baby laying face down, clutching his big blue bunny pillow. SCREAMING.

No axe murders, child molesters, or crazed maniacs were in sight. Nor was the other cat.

He didn't lift his head when I came in. He didn't look up when I spoke to him. He laid there and screamed.

Immediately I am thinking he has watched too much Air Jaws and I have passed onto the MomFail side.

I rubbed his back, and finally he looked up at me, or squinted at me and lifted his arms up. He laid his head on my shoulder and SCREAMED. I sat on the floor with him, only to have him start writhing and screaming louder. We stood up and rocked back and forth. We went to the recliner and rocked, still SCREAMING. My husband woke up and came out to see what was happening. Isaac reached for him and I went to get his milk, thinking it might help. He grabbed the cup and clutched it to his chest, still screaming. My husband took him to our bed and turned the TV on for a little light. SCREAMING. We laid next to him, thrashing and SCREAMING. At about 330, he was calming down, so I put him back in his crib. A few minutes later, he was back to snoring softly, screaming subsided and I was looking down at my peacefully slumbering angel.

When I returned to bed, Ben commented that it didn't seem like Isaac was ever really awake, but stuck in his nightmare or whatever he was screaming about.

I have known parents who have kids that have night terrors.

Is this what is happening to Isaac? This episode was not the first...I would say it happens about once a month, maybe less. And if so, should I just be leaving him in his crib to cry it out? I didn't really try to wake him up. Just to soothe him.

It kills me to hear him scream that way. Especially that I can't get him to stop. What should I be doing?

The Lahman Family Disney Movie, Complete With Birds and Cheezits.

When I got home from work on Monday, I wasn't even out of the car before I knew something was up. Isaac was in the yard playing with BIL and Dozer, and Ben was doing something (I don't even care what it was. He is always do SOMETHING to one of the cars and I tend to block it out) to his car. As soon as I got out of the car, Isaac started with his "Mama! Hi Mama! Mama!" running toward me and pointing. Not far behind him was Dozer and not far behind him was BIL who said "So, you have a new pet bird."

Um....WHAT?!

He pointed up into the tree right above where I was standing. Sure enough, there was a little bird. A little bird who had apparently been friendly with them all afternoon.

This bird, let me tell you, was like, straight out of a Disney movie. It followed us aroudn the yard, sat on our shoulders and arms, ate food out of our hands, and even let Isaac touch him. I half expected a show of other woodland creatures to emerge in song. Seriously, when we moved in the yard, he moved with us.

And I guess I was the only one with any concern for the bird. My husband and BIL apparently thought that all birds were supposed to behave in this fashion. My first thought to be perfectly honest (and morbid) was that someone had died and was visiting us in the form of a Disney bird. Seriously. My mind went there.

My rationale thought was that it was a baby bird, a big baby bird, but still a baby, who didn't know better. I suggested we call wildlife rescue. I think my husband laughed at me. LAUGHED. I was all "Um...who has the advanced Biology degree and animal husbandry training in this family?" This bird was NOT NORMAL. How many times do I need to reiterate this? Normal birds don't behave like this! I ended up calling a coworker who has quite a hand in the wildlife rescue field. Upon sending him a cell phone picture, he confirmed it was a finch fledgling that was undoubtedly a little begger and most likely his mama had been watching him in a panic fo rthe past few hours waiting for him to be left alone so she could take him away.

I ushered everyone inside and closed the door just before the little bird flew into the house. 5 minutes later the bird was gone.

And in the 5 minutes it took for the bird to go away, I learned that my baby bird HAD NOT EATEN ANYTHING BUT CHEEZITS since I gave him breakfast of french toast sticks and banana before leaving for work. 9 hours. Nothing but CHEEZITS. My husband said when he got home from dropping off the car (see above annoyance about his obssessions), Isaac was tired and cranky. However, upon putting him down for his nap, he wouldn't sleep. So Ben got him up and discovered said Disney bird.

HE DIDN'T SLEEP BECAUSE HE WAS STARVING!!!!!!!!!!! I am so glad he was able to feed a bird but not his son.

After continuous wifely scolding and shaming, Isaac had 2 dinners that night. Oh you know what makes it even better? I had previously scolded Ben about feeding Isaac happy meals all the time. He claimed he didn't know what to give him so I wrote out a menu of options.

The next day I called after lunchtime and asked if Isaac had eaten. I got this response : Why are you checking in on me? Do you think I can't take care of my own son?

Um, YES! When my son has not had anything to eat in the 9 hours I leave him with you except for CHEEZITS, that is EXACTLY what I think.

Le sigh. Here's hoping this Disney movie doesn't have a sequel.

The A-Ha Moments

Isaac talks ALL. THE. TIME. And you can tell he is really trying HARD to make sense so we can udnerstand him. Like, he isn't just using the baby babbles all the time. Oh, he babbles plenty. It's like he has his own language with Mickey Mouse. True story.

What I am talking about is when he says something and looks at me very expectantly to answer or respond. Most times, I laugh or say "yep!" or "i know!" or "and then what happened?" And I can tell when I give the wrong answer, because he clearly looks frustrated and not sure how to express himself.

Lately, it's been different. I understand him. I know his inflections and how he pronounces things. Like yesterday he said something to me and all of a sudden I understand he was saying "I like it." A-HA! I respond appropriately, and he looks thrilled. :)

From the time he was born, I have understood my son better than anyone. I knew his cries for hungry, tired, fussy, upset tummy, bored. And now I understand his words.

It's like we have our own line of communication, because my husband sure doesn't understand him as well. They both look at me, like "ok. Translate please!"

It won't be this way forever, I know. His speech is getting better every single day.

But for now, I will take it.

Batter Up!

Isaac is destined to a life of baseball. Or at least until he is really old enough to truly object. His daddy played baseball, and is fully intending to live vicariously through his son, since his baseball career was cut short by a torn rotator cuff or something.

Isaac has had baseball themed toys since he was old enough to play with them (and maybe a bit before). He swings the bat really well, and he has quite the arm (in my opinion) for a toddler. Right now, he throws with each arm equally, which has Ben hoping for a left-handed pitcher. Apparently they are few and far between, and bank quite the sum in pro ball.

It doesn't matter that he can't hold the bat very well. It doesn't matter that he stands right up close. All that matters is this moment is how his little face lights up when he hits the ball off his new T-ball stand, and hears the cheers and applause from Mommy and Daddy. :)

Love

True love is going out for beer and soda once you have already put on your comfy pants and washed all your makeup off.

True love is taking off work and flying to LA on a whim so your wife can stand 8 feet away from her favorite musician and shrieks in delight everytime he looks her way.

True love is putting the nastiest smelling socks in the hamper time after time, holding your breath the entire time because they really are the NASTIEST smelly things in the world. And then washing the damn things.

True love is leaving your job, family, and friends behind and moving blindly across the country to live in a sardine can you have never seen before.

True love is watching and learning the ins and outs of college football so you can spend time together as a family.

True love is sacrificing value space on your DVR for 8 HOURS of althetic competition to make sure you recorded the WHOLE. DAMN. THING.

True love is staying up late at night, making fun of Crappy Line Caruso, cursing the lawn sprinklers and the annoying as hell rooster that lives down the road.

True love is learning to like The Bachelorette, Desperate Housewives, and Grey's Anatomy and learning to be absolutely silent during the shows.

True love is asking knowing your wife well enough to know she went on a hunt to make sure the baby possum was not laying dead in your yard.

True love is being comfortable in silence but not being afraid to say what you really think.

True love is busting out into a smile in the middle of a heated argument.

True love is knowing the worst thing about the other person and knowing that it's ok.

True love is still loving someone as much, and more and more each day after 5 years of marriage, 12 years of dating.

Happy 5th Anniversary to my amazing husband, Ben.

It Was Bound to Happen Sometime...So Better To Get It Over With....

No mother likes it when her child gets injured. I can't think of one person that I know who would stand over a screaming, bleeding child and say "well, you brought it upon yourself, you know." Maybe that is because I would not be friends with those people.

Anyway, Isaac is all boy. He likes dirt. He likes bugs. He likes to be outside. He likes to be active. He's curious about everything.

And he likes to pound on the screen door. Remember how I live in a Dr. Suess house with crooked doorways and windows that are painted shut? Well, the screen door that is in the sliding door doesn't look. And it is old. We are constantly telling him not to push on the door and not to bang on the screen. I mean, the cats have almost knocked it out a few times. See where I am going with this?

Last night before we went to dinner, Ben was standing outside. I was in the kitchen. And Isaac got a RUNNING START from across the room, full spead ahead toward the screen door. I guess he wanted to be outside as well.

The next thing I know, Isaac and the screen door are both laying on the patio, and he is screaming.

I picked him up and cuddled him. There is a decent scrape/bruise/bump on his forehead and a smaller one on his nose.

This was bound to happen. He's a baby. And he is learning. I am pretty sure that based on the fall he took last night, and the tentativeness he had around the screen door after Ben put it back into the frame, he won't be as rough with it. And he did figure out how to get outside, the little problem solver.

Still, it was not so much fun for me to hear my baby howl from fear and pain.

So he got a lollipop. :) (See the bump above his left eye?)

Isaac's First Kiss

My son is going to be a heartbreaker. Really. Isaac has a way with the ladies.

Last night after dinner, I took him to the park to run off some energy and get him some fresh air. There is an enclosed toddler area that has age appropriate playground structures, and he loves running around and swinging. On this particular evening there were about 4 toddler age girls there. I put Isaac in the swing and pushed him for a while. While he was laughing and smiling, I noticed he was watching the girls run around. When I got him out, he went down the slide a few times, then he clearly wanted to run around.

I put him down and told him to go. He stood there for a good 2 minutes and was totally scoping out where the girls were. He looked at each and every one of them.

Then he took off toward a little girl with brown curly hair who I would guess was about 2. Once he got up next to her, he "fake fell", like he threw himself down and the "fake cried." The little girl said "awww" and reached her hand out to help him, which Isaac eagerly grabbed. He stood up and I brushed him off. The little girl gave him a hug and then KISSED HIM ON THE MOUTH! Isaac smiled and then ran off.

Seriously. My son is 15 months and already had his first kiss and is macking on the ladies!

When I got over the instant fear of "Oh my god is this child clean do I need to be worried about hepatitis," it was pretty cute and I kinda wished I had taken a video. The parents of the little girl were thrilled because they are expecting a baby boy later this year were anxious to see how their daughter reacted to a boy. Apparently that is not an issue. :) And yeah, it was pretty cute. Isaac totally knew what he was doing.

Sigh. I thought I didn't have to worry about this for at least another, oh....13 years?! ;)

Of course, his father is beaming with pride.

Potty Like A Rockstar

Isaac is a quick learner. He watches us do things and stares very intently. You can tell he is trying to figure things out in his head. Sometimes when he is playing with his blocks or something, he is concentrating so hard and trying to figure out why the smaller ones don't hold up the bigger ones, etc.

He thrives on routine. His schedule is what makes our days work out so well, and he knows what time of day it is by what we are doing. He knows that after Mickey Mouse is over he gets a bottle and then a nap. He knows that after dinner he gets to play, but when the music from Jeopardy starts, it's time for his bath.

Because of these two things, we made a decision this weekend.

We bought Isaac a potty chair.

Every night, every single night, Isaac pees in the bathtub. And what's funny is he will be playing and then he will stand up and pee, then sit back down and resume playing. Or try to resume playing, anyway. I don't really like the idea of my son swimming around in his urine, even though I know it is sterile. I pull him out of the tub, and he usually gets pretty mad at me. Anyway, we thought maybe if we got the potty chair and put him on it every night before putting him in the tub, it would establish a potty routine for him. It would plant the seed.

So last night, my little naked baby got plopped down on his little green and blue potty chair, and stared at us blankly while we waited. We coached him and talked about the potty and going potty. He sat there for about 3 minutes before he got fussy. So we pulled him off and lo and behold....

HE HAD PEED IN HIS POTTY! :)

It was a small victory, but still a victory! And he didn't pee in the bath!

Whether he understands what happened, and what he did, I don't know. I know he likes it when we applaud him and cheer. So we will see what happens as we continuously enforce this part of the routine and add it into other places. He goes potty pretty regularly, so we have a good idea of when to sit him down for a bit.

For now, I am so proud of my little boy for using his potty like a little rockstar! :)

A Flaw in the System

Ok, I am the first to admit that I really don't know a great deal about this whole healthcare reform thing. I watch the news from 6-7 or rather have it on in the background while I feed and bathe Isaac. But that's about it. It's my own fault, and I could educate myself. I realize this is a hot topic and big issue that will effect not only me, but my son.

I don't know how to fix the system. But I do know that it needs fixed. Here's my take on what I do know.

First, we have health insurance. We have coverage through my husband's employer. It's not the best plan or the plan I would choose, but it isn't the worst either. When I first got pregnant we had an independent policy that was paid by our personal business (that we no longer have, but that's another story). For my husband and me it started out at about $550 a month for the premium. I chose this plan because when I worked for a certain large corporation, it was the policy we had. It was great. And that was why, because it had a price tag. Over the course of a year and a half that monthly price rose to almost $800. Then my husband got his corporate gig and we started weighing out our options and we thought it best to end my husband's coverage and put him in the corporate plan. We kept me on the independent plan until Isaac was born, and then we switched over. All in all it cost us about $1400 to have the baby buy the time you figured in the premiums and the copayment for the actual delivery. I thought that was pretty good, especially since the whole price tag came to about $19k.

Anyway, after Isaac was born, we switched to the company plan. It's not bad. The coverage is ok, and we have an HRA that the company gives us x dollars for a year. HOWEVER...I hate having a deductible. Last year, I went to the ER for ruptured ovarian cysts or kidney stones (take your pick...they never figured out what it was). Between that and all Isaac's well baby exams and the 2 times he was sick, we pretty much hit our individual deductibles. My ER visit came to about $650 that I had to pay. The cost of three days in the hospital for me and Isaac, labor and delivery, etc had only been $800. I was in the ER for 5 hours. Sigh. Still, I wasn't that upset about it, and was glad w had insurance.

HOWEVER.

My husband went to the ER back during the swine flu pandemic. He had his vitals taken and then sat for an hour while the entire staff watched the World Series. TRUE STORY. So he left. And I called the insurance company and told them. We filed a complaint against the hospital and waited to see what happened. In the meantime, I scheduled my husband annual FREE well adult visit to his doctor. He went and filled out his paperwork, including a paper that said "list three or more issues with your health or questions you have to discuss with the Dr." So he did. And all of a sudden, the FREE well adult exam turned into a serious diagnostic visit that was no longer FREE. In fact, it required a blood panel. The actual appointment was 20 minutes. 20 MINUTES! When the bill for the office visit came, guess how much it was? $350. I was MAD. I called everyone and their brother and filed complaint after complaint and so on. Their response? Sorry about your luck! My mother is an insurance coder. I sent her the claim and she was horrified that they coded the visit they way they did. According to the office coder, it was totally justified and blah blah blah. They used a code for a serious diagnostic visit used for very sick and ailing or injured patients. FOR A WELL ADULT EXAM. Now, unless my husband is lying about what they discussed, it was totally bogus. So I got the doctor's notes. And I got madder.

What is even worse is that while I was trying to resolve the issue, I was only making payments on the bill in increments of $25. Why? Because I had this hope that it would be downgraded and I wouldn't have to pay the whole bill. Therefore, I didn't want to wait for a refund from the Dr, should that happen. I did exactly what the accounts payable representative told me, and yet I still got threatening messages about collections. Seriously? I finally got so sick of it, I paid the whole damn thing. Their representatives lied to me and I was just tired of dealing. And then I wrote a letter to 7 on your side, just to express my opinion. I HATE SUTTER MEDICAL FOUNDATION. They said that if I wanted to make payments, I wasn't allowed to make more than 2. Like I had to pay the whole thing in 2 months.

And then, we got a statement from our insurance saying that they got the hospital claim. It was $179 for my husband crappy ER visit to take his vitals. SERIOUSLY? Come on! it wasn't even a doctor who took his vitals! However, I haven't received a bill from the hospital. I can't pay things that I don't get bills for. And I have no idea what the insurance company actually paid.

With all those issues, we met our family deductible, but it was DECEMBER. So when January rolled around, we were back to $0 toward our deductible.

I will say this much. I do like our insurance company. They are helpful. And they don't pick our plan for us, my husband's company did. And we are lucky we have insurance. And they are nice to us. I like my doctor and Isaac's doctor. I like our dentist and eye doctor. But I think they charge too much. And I know they do it because of the insurance companies. And I know insurance companies charge more because doctors do and because not everyone has insurance. Its a double mandate.

So here's what I think. It doesn't really appear the healthcare bill will have a huge impact on our situation. Maybe if more people buy insurance, the premiums will go down. I think that people need to see exactly what this bill is going to do before they whine about changing it. Do I think it is good that people will be required to have insurance? Heck yeah. You can't drive in CA (legally) without car insurance. So yes, I think people should have insurance. And I don't think sick people should be denied insurance. And if more healthy people buy insurance, there will be more money for the insurance companies to pay for care for sick people.

Sigh. Talking about this made my head hurt. But there is most definately a flaw, many flaws in our system. And the bottom line is, no matter how it changes, someone will always have a problem with it.