Trade Off

When we lived in California, I never worried about money. My husband pulled a 6 figure salary, and I had a steady job. Yes, our rent was more than what we pay in three months out here, and a gallon of milk often cost as much as a kidney, but we were fine. Although I bitched about frivolous spending, we didn't worry about it as much. We paid our bills on time, more than the minimums, we saved, and we lived our lives.

Except we didn't have lives.

Correction, my husband didn't have a life outside work.

While he loved the amounts of his paychecks, he was working 24/7. When he wasn't physically at work, he was on the computer or on the phone. Let's face it, that kind of salary is never attached to a 40 hour work week. Since he was working so much in San Francisco, he often stayed in the office apartment above the store. It was an hour drive each way, and when you aren't leaving until 9 and have to be back by 7, there's not a lot of sense in coming home to sleep for a few hours. There were days when Isaac didn't see his dad, until we figured out how to Skype. Ben would go on business trips, meetings, trainings out of state, and we couldn't even do that much. We had to reschedule our Disneyland trip 3 times. 3 TIMES!

I didn't worry about money, but I did worry about my marriage. It was just me and Isaac ALL THE TIME. Even when Ben was home, we were hard pressed to find a babysitter so we could go to dinner or to a movie.

When we knew we were moving across the country, we started saving and paying off more. I started planning how we were going to survive on one third of what we were making. It's been rough. I didn't plan as well as I thought I did. Ben messed up his back and has been to all kinds of doctors for tests. One of the cars has needed repairs. SNOW TIRES, ugh.

Anyway, now I worry about money all the time. Like, I wake up at night for Isaac and I can't fall back asleep because my mind won't turn off. But you know what I don't worry about? MY MARRIAGE. I see my husband everyday. EVERY SINGLE DAY. When we have a problem, we can talk about it, face to face.  We resolve things. Isaac sees his dad in real life, not over a computer screen. Most days, we eat dinner together. When Ben is home, he is HOME, not on the phone constantly or worrying about numbers or customer issues or whatnot. He's worried about, well, nothing. (Except maybe the fact that his wife is seriously inept at keeping up with laundry). We get to be a family. A broke family, but we are a family that sees each other.

This is a trade off I am willing to deal with. Somehow, dealing with money troubles seems immensely easier than dealing with marriage troubles. I'll take it.

Gobble Gobble

For the past eight years, I have taken on the task of preparing Thanksgiving dinner for my husband and whomever else needed a place to go. Often it was my BIL, cousins, or friends. I remember that realizing that I couldn't go home for Thanksgiving meant that we truly no longer lived at home and it was time to start making our own memories. And we did.

I remember that first Thanksgiving, how scared I was that I was going to mess it up. I remember scouring the internet for recipes and shopping at the Farmers' Market (Oooooooohhhhh how I miss the CA Farmers' Markets....). I remember calling my future mother in law, asking for her sweet potato recipe. I remember cooking for 2 days straight and then having over some of the best friends I could have ever made in California. After dinner we walked up the street to the top of the hill on Euclid, and looked down at the lights of San Francisco. I couldn't believe that we lived in this beautiful city, or for that matter that we were walking around at night in November without coats on.

I remember preparing a plate of food, pie, and hot drink and putting on the homeless man's cart and bags that lived in the stoop of an abandoned building. I never met him, but I hoped he got the food.

I remember taking an after dinner drive through Sea Cliff and showing a friend where Robin Williams lives. And then seeing Robin Williams standing outside his house. It was one of my only celebrity sightings in California. My husband had more.NOT FAIR.

I remember the 32lb turkey that I had to make to feed the Lahman twins and the Spiess twins.

I remember learning how to make the best after Thanksgiving sandwiches from "Friends" complete with moist maker. DON'T KNOCK IT.

I remember finding my own footing, and not needing recipes anymore. I remember learning to flip the turkey upside down to cook it so all the juices stay in the breasts.

I remember the first Thanksgiving we were a family with Isaac. He loved the green bean casserole and pumpkin pie.

I remember last Thanksgiving, it was the first and last one that we would have just the three of us. It was quiet. It was nice. It was relieving and bittersweet, knowing that the next year I would not need to cook a full meal, merely a side dish or pie.

And that's what I did. This year past weekend was Isaac's first major holiday with his extended family. We were all so happy. We had a great dinner with my family and then a second dinner yesterday with Ben's. We had two amazing meals with our amazing families. We made memories of this, and had time to reflect on the ones we brought from California.

This Thanksgiving we saw what we appreciated and what we are truly thankful for, and that is being back home with our family.

Settling

After 9 states, 6 days, and almost 3000 miles, I am happy to report that myself, Isaac, Ben, Layla and Guiliani arrived at our new domicile in Bowling Green, Ohio. OHIO!!!

It's been a crazy week, trying to get settled in, playing my ever favorite game of "Where the EFF did I pack that?!", and setting up a house, not to mention gearing myself up to face my ghosts and enter 4 years of school. So far, so good. The house is shaping up very nicely (I don't think we will buy, another story for another day) and things are getting put away and organized (ahem, THROWN OUT, ahem). We are SETTLING into this new life, one that is so familiar and yet brand new and the same time.

I can't even describe how amazing it feels to be back here. It's so wonderful to be able to plan things with the people we love and not have time constraints. We don't have to cram everything and everyone into one week visits. We are planning our lives in long term. We are surrounded by family and friends, everywhere. The time in California was amazing. I couldn't have asked for better experiences, to meet more amazing and beautiful people, and to be blessed with the opportunities we had. But we are HOME. The time away made us realize how much we do belong here. This is where we need to be at this time in our lives. California is where my soul is, but my heart is here in Ohio. And it always will be. We are not settling for lives we are just okay with, but we have found the place where we want to SETTLE down and put down  new roots while embracing ours.

The ghosts...I am working on. This town, the university...they have this lingering stigma. I drive past places, buildings, roads even...and this wave of sadness, anger, and anxiety punches me in the gut. I'm coping. I am prepping myself for the inevitable: walking past the Marine Lab. But that year, that time in my life, it doesn't own me anymore. I remind myself everytime that I CAN DO THIS. I am not afraid. I am still alive, and I won't let my dream die. I won't SETTLE for anything

Hello, Ohio. It's been awhile. But I am so glad you didn't forget my name. :)

Wordless Wednesday

A Change has Brewed.

I was born and raised in Ohio. I went to a small high school, where I graduated with 129 other people. I went to college and soon enough learned there was a big world out there, one that I really wanted to explore past the midwest. As college graduation loomed nearer, I started looking at grad programs. To be 100% honest, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I knew I loved science, biology, research. But rather than narrowing down my focus into one specific area, I was just interested in everything (with the exception of microbio...yick!). Everytime I took a different class, I would think it was so cool and wanted to learn more, figure out how to do that science as well. I knew graduate school was the next step, but I was kinda clueless. I got a postcard from USF's program while waiting to hear from some other schools. It drew me in and I applied. It seemed to be a developing Masters program, so I knew I could get involved with alot of different ideas. I got in, and Ben proposed. We moved across the country with a few thousand dollars, an old couch, a bunch of plastic dishes, a few plants, and no idea how much our lives were going change.

I finished my Masters, burnt out from school. Still not having a clear direction, I took promotions and higher salaries for a company that I meant nothing to. My husband thrived in his job, and still does. We settled in to our lives. I changed jobs, and switched into my current position. It was here, in this job, that I really grew up. I found my passions and my direction.

And now, sometime this summer, we will leave California and head back to Ohio. We will leave with hopefully more than a few thousand dollars, a new couch and matching chair, 2 cats, real dishes, no plants, because I killed them, and a beautiful little boy... among other things loaded into a sizably larger moving truck.

We are leaving for several reasons. The biggest being that starting in the fall I will be a PhD student! When I left VS, it was to get back into science and pursue my dream. And now, I know what that dream is, and the steps are being taken.

We want to buy a house. Ands let's face it...that's not possible for us here. Ok, correction: the house we want to buy is not possible here.

Isaac...he THRIVES in Ohio. He's a different kid there. He's surrounded by his family, and I feel like an evil mother everytime we have leave.

I want to make something clear. We are not by any means UNHAPPY in California. We are very happy here...we just know we can be happier there. Are we crazy to give up the stability we have here? Maybe. But we don't think we are (most days...I've had some rather large-scale freakout sessions and Ben is remarkably good at calming me. Good husband :) ).

So this is it, the announcement: I am a PhD student, and we are heading back east. We are 100% committed to this change. I didn't want to say anything until it was concrete. And now it is. :)

Another Holiday Come and Gone

I can't believe that another Holiday season has come and gone. It happened so quickly. It seems like just yesterday, and not 2 years ago, I was sitting on the couch, just moved into the this house, eating leftover Christmas cookies, with Isaac still in my belly. Next month, my teeny baby will be 2! How does that happen?

Regardless, here I sit, contemplating where this year went and what the new year will bring for us. The Christmas tree needs to come down, and soon, to accomodate the vast amount of new things Isaac has, including his own little dinner table because he can't fit in the high chair anymore. I am looking at the ornaments that he made for me at daycare, those horribly ugly baked ornaments that are misshappen and colored with 20 colors of paint in no particular pattern because he is 2. The ornaments, along with the others, I will pack away with great care, as they are my new favorites. They are ornaments only a mother truly understands and finds magificance in.

The remainder of the holiday cookies are laying at the bottom of one large tupperware, broken and surrounded by crumbs and bits of cookie. There are bits of wrapping paper littering the floor. We celebrated hard this year, taking advantage of all the joy the holiday season can bring. Isaac made countless art projects at daycare, and we had a nice little Christmas party where I got to meet the other parents. We also made a few projects of our own, including a vast amount of Christmas cookies for our friends and coworkers.

As you can see, we went to see Santa. Sigh. It did not go so well. Isaac was sick the previous 5 days, like really sick with a fever. And this day was the only one that he didn't have a fever and was going a bit stir crazy with cabin fever from being in the house for so long. We had to wait for about an hour, and Isaac was very...energetic...to say the least. He was excitedt o be out of the house, in a crowded, bustling mall where the North Pole was set up right next to the Disney Store. When it was finally our turn, he ran up to Santa and I put him on his knee. Then the tears started. And so we ended up with the photo you see above.

We took him several times to see the Driving Lights tour nearby, and he loved it. For the rest of my life, I will never forget his little voice squealing out with glee as we parked in front of a giant blow up holiday Mickey Mouse "Oh my gosh! That's AMAZING!"

We spent Christmas, quietly, as I was sick, and Isaac was exhausted. He spent the day playing with his new toys and watching Mickey Christmas specials. We strayed from our normal Christmas dinner of pot roast and had lasagna and wine I received from one of our subcontractors. It was a peaceful day, and we enjoyed it just the three of us.  

So even as this season wraps up, the blur that it was, we are taking away some beautiful memories. This next year holds the promise of many new and aexciting opportunities, that hopefully I will be able to say more about soon. I hope that all my family and friends have had as magical of a holiday as we have.

The First and the Last

I remember my first Thanksgiving I spent in California. It was a big deal, as it was the first Thanksgiving that I cooked entirely by myself, the first Thanksgiving that Ben and I spent together, away from our families. We had over a friend from  grad school, and a friend from work at VS. The dinner itself went very smoothly. I remember many things about that dinner.

I remember being very nervous about cooking a turkey and having to buy a roasting pan and baster. I remember having to clear out our entire tiny freezer in to accomodate the turkey. I remember I didn't know how to make green bean casserole, a dish I can now make in my sleep, so I had to scour the internet for a recipe. I remember doing the same for deviled eggs...my husband has to have his deviled eggs for Thanksgiving. I remember sending him across the street to the 24hr Market that was only really open 20 hours a day for foil because I ran out and was terrified of scorching the turkey. I remember my friend from grad school bringing wine and a corkscrew, because I didn't own one at the time. I remember crowding around our teeny table (which we will use) in our teenier apartment and eating. I remember taking a walk after dinner, up the hill behind our block and taking in one of the most breath taking views of the lit up downtown SF, which we would continue to do as along as we lived there. I remember making a plate of food up and putting it out for the homeless man who was camped in the doorway of the abandoned building next to ours. I remember feeling a sense of accomplishment, that we had made it through this first major holiday on our own.

And now I will have memories of the last Thanksgiving, at least for a long while, that I will spend in California. I will elaborate more in a few days, once a few more details are hammered away, but for now that is all I will say. As I prepared for this dinner, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that next year, I will only have to make ONE SIDEDISH and not a whole entire meal. At the same time I felt a tingle of sadness as I reflected over the 7 Thanksgiving Days I have prepared for and executed all by myself. Oddly, this past one was the only one my husband and I spent together, ourselves, with Isaac and no other guests. It was strangely quiet, but wonderfully peaceful and I will take these memories with me.

I will remember how my husband took me to see Harry Potter 7 on the eve before Thanksgiving, even though he was exhausted. I will remember how Isaac helped us baste the turkey...he stood by the oven and said "hot! hot! don't touch!" I will remember how we ate together at the table, Isaac chowing on turkey and crackers, which is all he would eat. I will remember attempting the Toys R Us Black Friday sale with  my neighbor, seeing the line wrapped around the building, and hightailing it back to the warm car to shop online. I will remember Isaac gobbling and dancing around to "Poker Face." I will remember having him watch Rudolph and Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas. I will remember falling asleep with him on my bed, taking a nice long nap. I will remember Ben and I talking about what to get our budding toddler for Christmas. I will remember Isaac Skyping with our family back in Ohio and calling them out by name. I will remember being a family, just us three.

Today is really my first day back into our normal everyday life after a wonderful, relaxing break. I hope everyone had as wonderful a Thanksgiving holiday as our family did.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

On the beach with Nonnie, very overexposed, but I still really like it. :)

In My House

In my house, there is always dirt on the floor even though I sweep it every. single. day....sometimes twice. There are cobwebs in the corners, streaks on the windows and mirrors, and dust all over areas that aren't in plain view...and on some that are. There is a lawn that is only mowed because we have a gardener that is included in our rent. There is a filthy dining room rug and a floor with crusted food that seems to be there permanently.

In my house, there is always clean laundry, but it is usually still in the laundry basket and never makes it into drawers. For that matter, there are always at minimum 4 loads of laundry waiting to be done. The bedsheets and towels get changed, but the dirty ones quickly forgotten until it comes time to change them again, and there are no clean ones.

In my house, there are toys EVERYWHERE in EVERY ROOM and in EVERY CORNER. We don't even try to contain them or put them away. It's a fruitless effort. We find cars in the couch cushions, along with Cheerios that haven't been in the house for months. We find bath squirtees in the kitchen drawers and books in the fridge. There are stuffed animals in my work bag and under the beds.

In my house, there is a bottle of tequila and margarita mix in the fridge next to the milk and juice. There are fresh fruits and veggies bought in the vain attempt to make healthy balanced meals next to the take out containers and hidden stash of holiday candy. There are leftovers, leftovers, leftovers next to snack packs and an expired container of sour cream that I see everytime I open the fridge and keep meaning to throw out.

In my house, there are grass stained shorts and dirty knees. There are shirts that still smell like baby spit up even though he stopped nursing 6 months ago. There are jeans with rips and faded shirts hanging next to sparkly tops and luxurious fabrics that haven't been worn in over 2 years. There are sneakers and flip flops in a pile on the floor for quick access and heels and boots collecting dust in the shoe rack.

In my house, there is a DVR filled with Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Handy Manny, Word World, and Special Agent Oso. On that same DVR are episodes of TVs from May, and movies that will most likely never get watched and will be deleted to make room for aforementioned shows.

In my house, there are screaming fits and temper tantrums. There are pouty faces. There are moments that involved a locked bathroom door and sobbing for 10 minutes before collecting yourself and falling back into the mayhem. There are fights and bad words. There are slamming doors and red faces. There are unexpected bills and debt that lingers on that causes tension and frustration. Oh, there is frustration.

In my house, there is laughter. There are squeals of delight and the biggest smiles you can imagine. There are loving words and jokes. There are stories and babbling conversations. There are moments of blissful silence encased in gleeful yells. There are millions of "I love you's" and kisses and hugs. There are stolen cuddles and snuggles.

In my house, there is enormous love. There is a family full of love for each other. There is a family who embraces that they will never be perfect and the everyday struggle to stay sane. There is a family who knows that for every bad thing, there are 20 good things. There is a little boy with parents who worship him and never imagined loving someone so much. There are parents who met 12 years ago, and still are just as infatuated.

In my house there is a home. And there is nowhere I would rather be.

Birthday

So this year kind of got away from me. I got a card from my grandpa in the mail earlier this week and was all confused, and when I opened a birthday card, I had to walk over to the calendar. Um, yep...my 29th birthday is totally tomorrow.

Birthdays, especially mine, used to be a HUGEMONGOUS deal to me. This time 2 years ago I was ready to party it up with a group of friends at Par.ma. I drank alot, and I don't mean water. My friend H (who is preggers right now) and I were the first to my soiree and drank a WHOLE. BOTTLE. of prosecco by ourselves before anyone else arrived. And I sang MB20 at the top of my lungs the whole drive home to Sonoma.

It just isn't a big deal anymore. The focus, as it should, has shifted to Isaac and making his birthdays as memorable as mine were as I was growing up, so that he looks forward to the special day that is just his every year.

Don't get me wrong, I still think my birthday is special. There are just more important things now. I am shocked when people remember my birthday, especially when I don't even remember it!

And I still want a Canon Rebel EOS. and to meet Rob Thomas.

Sadly, I don't have the money for either. Which means my husband doesn't have the money for either. (Let's face it...we know who controls the cash flow in this household.)

What is even sadder is that I would have the money. Not for Rob Thomas, but for the camera. If I didn't buy my starbucks dark cherry mochas everyday (I know, I can't believe I even thought that, but it's true!) or I didn't buy crap. All the $20 purchase I made here and there, if I had put that $ aside, I would have more than enough. That camera was not so important to me before. I had/have a nice digital camera. But with Isaac, I want more. So I am taking what my grandparents sent me and will put $20 a week into my savings account until I have enough.

Tomorrow will be a nice day. Isaac and I are going to the Academy of Sciences (We are geeks!) to see the extreme mammals with some of my friends. Any day that I get to spend with Isaac doing something other than errands is better than any type of birthday party or celebration.

I don't need cake. I don't need a party. I don't need presents (well, except meeting Rob Thomas...if someone gives me that I won't turn it down! :) ). Cards and well wishes are nice. All I truly need is the time with my baby, my husband, my friends, enjoying the life we have built and are building.

Birthday Celebrations

My son got three, count em, THREE first birthday celebrations. In retrospect, this was extreme overkill, I know. And I know he won't remember a lick of what he did for him. Regardless, it meant something to us to have our baby surrounded by people who love and care about him on his special day(s). And we have already decided that the best day was his actual birthday (at least logistic and $$$ wise) and he only gets big celebrations at 5 and 10 years.

For Isaac's actual first birthday, Ben and I took him to Mon.terey Ba.y Aq.uarium. It's quite a haul, so we had to stay in a hotel overnight and go to the aquarium the next day. He absolutely loved it. He had a blast watching the fish and pressing his little hands up against the glass trying to grab them. The aquarium has amazing exhibits, including a well thought-out toddler area that had a huge wave simulator (similar to a waterbed) that Isaac played on for about 20 minutes. It also had water he could splash his hands in and blocks to play with in a room surrounded by fish tanks. There was a huge tunnel he could crawl through, which he also liked, and that Mommy braved with him. It is possible that Mommy may have been scolded for talking in "educational terms" at various exhibits, throwing out lines about regeneration, niches, sequential hermaphrodism (oh yes, I did!), and ebb and flow. During the wave simulator fun, I may or may not have thrown in words like peak and trough. Jury is still out on that. :) I stand on that you are never too young to learn...

After the aquarium, we took him to Bub.ba Gum.ps and he had his first kids meal supplemented with carrots and sweet potatoes. :) He loved the jello and that Daddy wore a lobster bib similar to his Bibster! And man, did the day tire him OUT. He made it through the entire aquarium, which was about 3 hours of fish-filled fun, and another hour in the restuarant. As soon as he was in the carseat for the drive home, he was out like a light. I don't even think we made it out of the parking garage before he was snoozing.

It was the perfect way to spend his birthday. It was great to have time just me, Ben, and Isaac and to spend his first birthday as a family.

The second birthday celebration was his Handy Manny themed birthday party here in California involving our friends. Isaac has many fans. :) It ended up being a really nice time for everyone. My friends came from all over the Ba.y A.rea and D made him a cupcake tower. He tore up his cupcake, believe you me! During this party, we discovered that Isaac loves to have people sing "Happy Birthday ." He laughed and laughed, and clapped his little pudgy hands (Sorry, kiddo, but you gots some pudge!). Ben was a little overwhelmed (to say the least) by the number of small children at our house and I am pretty sure I will be doing the birthday party thing solo for a while (going to other people's parties, I mean). Isaac got some nice gifts and it was fun to see him play with the other babies. He's around other kids all the time at daycare, but these where around his age. He's a social baby! :) The third and final celebration involved the long trek back to Ohio. We flew Southwe.st, and thank the lord we did. He got our own row every flight and it was needed. Isaac is just not at a good flying age. He doesn't like to sit still and his attention span is very limited. Daddy did teach him to look out the window and say "ooooooooh!" which was amusing.

This party was pirate themed. And the cake was a family effort and it was AWESOME! I had a very specific picture in my head of what I wanted the cake to look like, and it came out perfectly. We only had to purchase the sheet cakes. Isaac was surrounded by his family. And I really can't describe how wonderful that was for him. He had so much fun and he (like his mommy) loves to be the center of attention. Everyone signed a big card for him that will go in his memory chest. I know that being so far away from so many people that love and care about Isaac and us is hard on everyone, and it is difficult to miss these milestones in our lives. He was completely disinterested in presents. However, once we got started, he entertained everyone with his "oooooooh" ing. :) Love my baby! So the first birthday festivities have come to their close. It was a seriously big deal, so much in fact that it almost warranted opening and closing ceremonies, similar to the Olympics. It is very bittersweet for us. I am glad the mayhem is over, but sad that my baby has passed another milestone and is racing toward the next. He's so big now, and such a little man.

It truly has been the best year of our lives in so many ways.

Behind

This past week, ever since Isaac's birthday really, has been insane. Busy, busy, busy. And the busy-ness means that I have been neglecting aspects of my life, like blogging.

We are getting ready to head to Ohio this week for the third and final birthday bash, ringing in Isaac's first year. I have been trying to get everything around for that. And for our taxes, so we can take all of what we can to the person doing our taxes when we go. Of course, being the type A that I am, I can't leave the house a mess, so I have to clean.

Isaac has his one year photographs taken this afternoon.

I have been SLAMMED at work.

Not to mention, Isaac's party consumed most of last weekend.

Oh, and Ben, Isaac, and I have all been sick all week. ALL WEEK. Like, sick so bad that I left work on Wednesday. And that I wore ponytails all week.

Sigh. I promise, I will have a more substantial post soon. SWEAR. with photos. I am just so behind in every possible way right now.

Birth

"When you showed me myself, you know, I became someone else..."

365 days ago, I finished 29 hours of labor. 52 weeks ago, we became a family. 12 months ago, Isaac came into the world, into our lives and changed them forever. 1 year ago, my life changed gears and I became a mother, the best job I could have dreamed of having. After 37 weeks of pregnancy, I met my beautiful son.

No matter how you measure, Isaac hit his first birthday today.

Happy Birthday to my precious little boy. You have brought us a full year of joy, laughter, and smiles. We can't wait to see what you else you have in store for us.

The Things That Don't Fit Me Anymore

I am a packrat. Nothing like you see on "Hoa.rders," but I save alot of stuff that I probably don't need. Ok, I KNOW I don't need. I am getting better, I swear. Isaac's stuff takes up alot of room, so I can either pack stuff up and store it or just get rid of it. And moving multiple times has made me tired. I don't like packing and unpacking. Lots of stuff just ends up staying in the boxes. Pointless, right? I know.

The other day Isaac pulled open a dresser drawer and proceeded to throw every single item in said drawer out onto the floor. I waited until he was no longer interested in this task, then started to put the things back in the drawer just as they had been. Then I realized exactly WHAT I was putting back in the drawer.

Ok, I know that pregnancy changes your body. And I am fine with what has happened to my body. I am well below my pre-pregnancy weight, but stuff just doesn't fit the same. Like those low rider jeans that I loved that "technically" still fit? Let's be honest. I am never going to wear those again. At that, alot of my pre-preggo pants just don't fit the same. I have already gotten new ones. The old ones probably won't ever fit the same again, and if they ever do, will I even want to wear them?

Isaac's little play with the drawer game inspired me. I was wasting valuable real estate in my dresser and closet on things that I will never wear again.

Other things that don't fit?

Sadly, a vast majority of my VS bra collection. I am not sorry for ONE SECOND that I breastfed my son for 11 months. Not at all. The girls aren't the same though. Oh, those full coverage bras still fit....as demis. :) Now, that is just not right. And seriously, how many push ups does a mother of a 1 year old (I know he isn't actually "1" yet. I am practicing to get myself used to the idea) need? Probably not, um.....20. 3 will probably work just fine right?

Sooo....that means alot of my shirts don't fit the same anymore.

Shoes. My feet are different. I don't know how, but they are. Some shoes are way tighter, and I don't have time to have pinched feet with blisters while chasing a toddler.

Jewelry. Ok, does anyone know how to loose finger fat? Like I said, below pre-preggo weight, but the new weight is distributed to different areas. Plus I can't really wear earrings and necklaces right now, because Isaac is like a baby barracuda and is drawn to the sparkly things. I like my earlobes in tact, thank you very much. Those things have been put away for safe keeping, unless it was like, cheap costume jewelry. Will I ever wear those gold plated shell earrings again or that hemp necklace? Doubtful. So long.

It's not just clothes that don't fit anymore. There are certain things that just don't fit ME as a person, a mother and my lifestyle.

HBO? Those movie channels that I never have time to watch but pay for every month and cost as much as a pack of diapers? That's a no brainer. Netflix? I have had the same movies since May. There's another pack of diapers.

And honestly...there are some relationships in my life that don't just fit anymore. That makes me sad. My friends are so important to me, and I know that once you graduate and spread out and move on, maintaining those relationships takes work. There are certain friends that I could spend years apart from, and then when I see them, it's like we haven't spent a day apart. We can be as different as night and day, and it doesn't matter. Others, yeah....sadly, we have nothing to talk about because our lives have moved so far apart and in different directions. Our interests and priorities are different. That is fine. Becoming a wife and mother has given me new friends. And quite honestly, I don't have the time or energy to put into relationships that are not reciprocal. :(

Anyway, this new year has thus far been about decluttering my life from things that no longer fit, be it clothes or expenses or whatnot. It is quite the process, but I am getting there.

And you know what?

It feels pretty darn good!

A Very Merry Christmas

Yes, yes...I am a week late with this Christmas recap, but seriously. Show of hands of people who weren't busy as all heck in the past week? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

Anyway, Christmas Eve started for Isaac by reading "The Night Before Christmas" recorded book that Ben and I made for him. He turned the pages and listened to our voices. I think he was a little confused by hearing our voices with us sitting right there with him, not talking. He was all decked out in his Christmas jammies. He went to bed, normal time, normal 5 minutes (yes, we are down to 5, count em, 5!) minutes of fussing. And then Santa elves went to work.

The plan was not to buy him too much this year. And then I discovered peek a blocks on E.bay. In all fairness, I stayed within our set budget for him.

There were even presents in "Santa paper." You can't really see them in this picture, because they are buried beneath all the other toys. Oh, the jumperoo is old. We've had that. It just got in the way of all the toys.

Exhausted and lysoled out, we called it a night. (PS. mental note to stock pile every single size battery for the rest of Isaac's life...or at least until he is old enough to understand patience.)

And then...there was a poo explosion. An explosion that drenched the cleverly selected Christmas sleeper. Sigh. A change was necessary.

I had prepared a bottle for Isaac to tide him over, so his initial waking thought would not be "food" and we could focus on the masses of toys under the tree before eating breakfast. I had not prepared for the poo explosion. Ah, well. He had his pj change, and his bottle.

And then it was time for presents! :)

I think he was a wee bit overwhelmed. But he got the hang of it. He played, and played, and played. He finally crashed and slept like a rock for a good 2 hours.

He webcammed it up for his grandparents. He even looked the part. :)

He ate his Christmas feast of ham and sweet potatoes, and mooched off Mommy's plate for some mashed potatoes and cookies.

The day was everything I could have wanted for a first Christmas. We were low-key and together as a family. We got to enjoy our baby and our time.

New Traditions

One of the hardest parts about living in California is being so far away from family for the holidays. Since we moved out here in 03, we haven't been home for Thanksgiving once. We were lucky enough to go home for Christmas for the first two years....then we both got promotions and the retail schedule is unforgiving. We went home the Christmas before I got pregnant. It was the first time we had been back east for the holidays in 2 years. Last year we didn't go because I was too pregnant, and I just squeezed my baby shower in Ohio in before the cutoff flying date.

We talked about going there for this Christmas, but nixed the idea early on. Traveling with a baby has proved difficult. We weren't so thrilled about the idea of traveling with him during the busiest time of the year. Plus it's cold. Cold and freezing, traveling with a baby during the busiest time of the year. Hmmm, yeah...no thank you.

Anyway, Ben and I have our new traditions that we have started for our family. It was really important to us. The first Christmas we were out here alone was hard. And it forced us to make the holidays ours. We want to make this holiday special for Isaac, even though he won't really remember until he gets older.

Every year, I go see the Nutcracker ballet with my friend K. The SF ballet company is amazing, and the Opera House is absolutely stunning.

I bake Christmas cookies for friends. Last year was the first year that I didn't get to, again because of moving and baby showers. Usually I make alot. I think my record is um....21 kinds. in 2.5 days. This year, I did only 8 and that was enough. Isaac helped. He sat in his high chair or jumperoo and supervised.

We got Santa paper for Isaac's presents from Santa. I remember this from when I was a little girl. the presents from Santa were always in different paper, decorated with some image of Santa.

I started making Isaac a stocking. It isn't finished (umm, mom FAIL), but it is quite extensive. I haven't embroidered in YEARS and there are beads and sequins...oh my. Regardless, he still has a stocking and now I know for our next child to start en utero.

We have breakfast together. Usually cinnamon rolls, but tomorrow it's macademia nut pancakes and sausage.

We bought one of those recordable storybooks. Ben and I alternated reading pages. We gave it to Isaac tonight and he loved it. He was enthralled by our voices and turning the pages to make the recordings start. We will have him read it every Christmas with us.

We started Isaac's ornament collection last year. I made train ornaments for shower favors and he will have one of each color. This year I added a Handy Manny ornament. We will make him a first Christmas ornament tomorrow.

Some of these traditions are old, from our families. Some of them we came up with. Either way, we are excited to have these traditions for our new family. We are excited to celebrate our first Christmas as parents with our vibrant little boy.

Blogroll

A friend commented that I have alot of blogs on my blogroll. Yes, yes I do. And yes, I keep up with most of them.

No, I really do. I may not read them all every single day or as soon as there is a new post. I don't get a chance to comment on every single post that I would like to. But, each day I pick a few and catch up on them. I laugh at other's witty antecdotes and jokes. I smile at their pictures. My heart breaks for their sorrows. For the time that I am reading, I get to escape my life and step into someone else's.

There is a reason I read each and every blog on my list.

And those blogs are pretty diverse across the spectrum. Some of the mommy-blogs I read are those of people who deal with infertility and tought pregnancies. This was not my situation, but I read them because those women inspire me. I appreciate their perservance and their desire to have children. I read anxiously for their announcements of pregnancies. Although their stories are not related to mine in certain terms, we all have one thing in common: We love our babies and are trying to relish every day we have as being a mother. There are mother's on there that had babies within days and weeks of Isaac's birth. We share their growth and development. We talk about our struggles as new parents. We seek the advice of our peers and those who have been parents longer than we have. I read what mothers of several children have to say. The bottom line is that now matter how we got to be the mother we are, we are mothers in the same.

And that it the key. We are separated by miles upon miles, and in all actuality will most likely never meet one another. But we know each other. And we are not alone.

I am pretty much separated from all of my friends and family but thousands of miles. Even my friends in California are a good couple of hours around me. I don't have alot of people around me who can help me in my life on a day to day basis. Not the way that family and close friends can. I don't like to feel alone. So I blog.

I blog for me. I blog to get out the story of my life so if friends and family want to read it, it's there. I blog because I am pressed for time and can't call each and every person I want to every day to update them on our life as parents. But my blog provides a place that they can go at their own leisure, if they so desire.

I read the blogs of friends who aren't parents. I read about their lives and where they are going, what they are doing. I feel more in touch and more grounded.

And these people who share their lives, these wonderful people who write the blogs that I read...they keep me from feeling completely alone. They provide me with answers, with guidance, with an outlet. They tell their stories, and I tell mine. And we are never alone.

I'm A PC

The majority of Isaac's family lives thousands of miles away. We knew that it was going to be rough on everyone, having the first grandchild, nephew, great grandchild, so far away. And we knew that having a baby would put a hinderance on the amount of time and money we could spend traveling.

In a effort to make things a little better, Ben and I purchased web cams for both sets of our parents last Christmas. That way, they can see the baby and vice versa. And it started right away. Like, when I was in labor at the hospital right away. Everyone saw the baby hours after he was born.

It was hard when Isaac was itty bitty newborn size, and even before he could sit up unsupported (oh, did I mention he has been doing that for weeks now?). It is way more fun now because he can focus on the computer screen and what is moving on it. And he even does tricks.

Well kinda. :)

Anyway, he has become quite adept and I think he needs to be on one of those windows commercials. :) Something like:

"Hi. My name is Isaac. My family lives real far far away from me. My mommy and daddy need a good computer that has lots of memory and a fast processor because everyone needs to see the thousands of photos they take of me. And they gotta see me in action, so it needs a built in webcam with wireless capabilities cause I move real real fast and they have to follow me around.

I'm a PC. And I'm 8 months!"

So....now I just sit back and wait for the contract to come in right?! :) Who do I call about this?

There's a First Time for Everything

I am so excited to say that for the first time, my husband and I (and Isaac of course) will be taking our first vacation as a family, the first vacation that does not involve Oh.io, a wedding, or our families!

Don't get me wrong, we ABSOLUTELY love to go back and visit our families and we are always thrilled when they come to visit. And I love to be a part of my friend's weddings and to help them with their special time.

But we need to get away as a family, just us. We need to go somewhere we want to go, and to not feel obligated to go anywhere or see anyone.

We decided to take this vacation over my fabulous 5 day weekend, which was referred to as a vacation. Um, no. I still had to clean, make dinner, etc. Therefore, it was not a vacation...just like a mini break from work. Oh, it was fabulous. But NOT a vacation by any means.

I booked the flights today! We will be escaping to Nort.h Caro.lina in December for 4 days! (NOTE: the actual trip is actually 6 days...flying takes up alot of time. And Isaac needs layovers when we are literally going coast to coast.) I know it is a ways away, but it was really the soonest we can finangle. And the longest. Yes, we are THAT busy and booked up.

Hurrah!